Show TT TT ' f 9 nrr f rry w mmm y The Herald Journal Logan Utah Sunday March 15 1996 — Pag 9 Let’s start paying attention to important issues The competition is tremendous this story Tbia is nothing to be ashsmcd So we swing into action and of Americans hive alwiys been what with all the new sources of interested ia political sex scan- - news such as the Internet which after maybe five days of stories dais dating back to the adminis- - provide us with fantastic quanti- - featuring the words “TIPPER" and tired tratioa of George Washington tiesof iafonnation (or in techni-- and “LESBIAN” in the head- of listaung to yoajaembers of who had a lengthy and well-pulines and the word “allegedly” cal computing terminology licked affair with Elizabeth Thy- - “bauds”) We’ll be sitting around in paragraph 34 we get to the media the newsroom trying to think bottom of the story which is that Ik I will admit that ia recent about the Federal Reserve Board it was a prank put on the Internet Every I time standards have gotten and all of a sudden the word by a years boy named Wal- turn oa lower as evidenced by the ded-- conies over the Internet: Tipper ter And thus because of our the TV or skat last week by The New York Gore is a lesbian! Allegedly! We relentless efforts you the public Tfcnes to publish aifultaaget radio know that every other news oper- - get to find out the truth Don't they're photograph of Jesse Helms But adon will be following up on this bother to thank us! We're already you have to undentaad that we’re story on the solid journalistic busily working on our next story under a lot of pressure in the ground that every other news which is to see if there is any news business operation will be following upon connection between young Wal- - Thu Miami Herald ““ b- some Typical six hard-worki- ter and Monks Lewinsky Speaking of news you need to know here is a ING UPDATE ON - THE WORLDWIDE EPIDEMIC OF FROGS SHOWING UP IN PEO- PLE'S FOOD: LATE-BREA- 1 have received from alert Canadian reader Lisa Nelson a article from a large front-pag- e New Brunswick scriptquotes him as sayiug MYou doft’t usually expect to find n frog inside an orange” The paper published a large color photograph of Kevin with the frog winch looks nervous as though it is part of a conspiracy For this reason we herein jour- - nalism are heed die words of the US called The Times and Transcript geon General wbo states: “Before you eat anything hit it with a hammer” Thank you peeled open an orange and found inside it a live frog “I was sur- - DwBwiylahumorooiumntatfarw cto Tropic yw wjaawine mwn nama ana Har- - newspaper The article states that a young prised” The Times rJ "r — Mmsaaim Americans — fiv tw ng agricultural guys wearing bib overalls and baseball-styl- e caps imprinted with die brand name of a pesticide fee in a diner in so infested region 0 guys— the spokesguy— always says something like: “I'm lick of the media AD they want to talk about is scandals and sex! We want 'em to cover the issues! And don’t Stkk to the frets!” And the other guys nod in agreement OK my first question is: If these guys are so How come they’re always in die diner? Fve been monitoring this phenomenon closely on ul the major networks and as frr as I can tell these guys have basically been rifting around thinking coffee and carping about the news media since the Nixon adminisl tration You know what I think? I think hard-worki- they don’t work at all I think get up at the crack of dawn go to the diner and they S spend their entire day there wailing for TV news crews to show up While they're waiting they watch Jerry Spnnger and exchange fashion tms ("Elmer is that a new pesticide cap? It’s YOU!")- - v But whoever these' guys are' the remarks they anti-med- ia make are echoed by nisny Ameri- cans Probably you are one of them Probably jf anybody asks you what you think of die news media you say T dunk they go too frrf I think they should stop covering sex and go back to cov- ering'important Issues such sis itmgufnnd I n mi mpond this: Liar liar pants on fim: You don’t want to read about die economy! You love to read HwlwW-g Mi'niX mvjgi hi o about sex! Everybody does! Let’s consider two hypothetical newsJ ' paper headlines: FIRST HEADLINE: “Federal Reserve Board Ponders Reversal of Foetponement of Deferral of SECOND HEADLINE: “Fed- eral Reserve Board Caught in ' Mold with Underage Sheep” Be honest now: Which of these two stories Would you read? There’s no need to answer: We here in the newspaper business already know! You want sex! OUR MONEY MARKET RATES ARE Nobody ever reads the stories about the economy! We can prove it! Every day for the past six months' as an experiment aU maim daily newspapers in the ? y United States have been running daily stories with headlines refer- the Indonesian currency " ' ' But guess what? There IS no v aid K? J' ' :U high ’till the “Indonesian currency crisis’’ We’re not even sure there is any such place as “Indonesia” Every one 0 those “news articles” was actually a lengthy verbatim ' t 1 h iV V - "i r : £ i : ii V £ excerpt from the 1923 book The Hardy Bayt Reach Puberty And never noticed! You were too ri“ - V 11 v Gi reading stories about the “issues” fast you REALLY care about such as who took Monica Lewinsky to her JumorFtan ? I (That’s six months in cattle time) More students test test positive for TB v SALT LAKE CTTY (AP) — At least two douen ttw” st Hill--' i side Intermediate School have tested positive for exposure to tuberculosis but further tests sre nettled to determine how many ! : vThe Guaranteed Great Rate Money Market Account Great Because for at least six months you'll get a surprisingly ' - ?'-- ! ' ‘f' ' V ' - - ‘‘r- high rate guaranteed plus easy access to your cash Then if the rate rises above your great opening rate you’ll get the new are infected with the disease Health officials stsrted the free tests Wednesday after a student at Hillside was diagnosed with the i V:’ If your bslsnce changes you will receive the rate for that tier including hijpier rate for higher ties even higher rate It’s a great rate with no ifs ands or bull Students who developed a lump when injected on Wednesday were given s note telling their X-parents the children need chest not were rays immediately They excused from school Gayle Williamson of the Salt- : i M Logan: 750-030- (in Fred Meyer) 3 Brigham Cily: 734-945- 4 Health Depert-Lake ment said chest Xrqra wiD deter- mi— if the children are infected or merely exposed City-Coun- ty ! 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