Show The Adventures of Meter Man TTCd® cojcdcsigCx dei flCo® dtarak by Daniel Hancock My name is Meter Man I'm disguised as Leonard Freud a mild mannered sheepherder As Meter Man I work for the CIA and the FBI stopping the insidious work of Dr Yardly Pound Dr Pound is a brilliant scientist turned criminal whose only aim in life is to stop America from going metric As Leonard Freud I worked for ACME Wool and Mutton Company My girl is Arlene Kirby she sells vacuum cleaners at Sears One of my most biiarre adventures started on a quiet Tuesday afternoon I had Just finished measuring the length (in feet and inches) of all the sheep I was herding I was trying to decide whether to convert the measurement Into meters or liters when my pocket beeper went off The message was to call “M" immediately Jumping on the back of Isabelle a slightly overweight middle aged ewe (who also works for the CIA) I rode down to the sheepherders' wagon I dialed “M’s" number on my princess telephone “M's" secretary Mill! Liter answered I asked for “M" and Millie sounded disappointed “I’m going to have to take Mill! out" I thought Then I remembered Arlene and her vacuums and I knew I never could “M" sounded worried over the telephone “Meter" he said “We’ve got trouble at the JP Duck Medical Center" When he said JP Duck Medical Center my throat went dry I remembered that Arlene was going in there today to have her hang nail treated “M" continued “We have reason to suspect Dr Yardly Pound since it looks like the typical insidious work of his brilliant criminal mind Someone has substituted metric measurements on all the markets at the golf course and on the score card as well It has completely disrupted the work at the Center for all the doctors are out practicing on the driving range and ignoring their patients This is a critical time the Italian Ambassador is checking In today to be treated" I remembered that Pepperoni Pina the Italian Ambassador was to be treated for his acne which at one time had been diagnosed as terminal If any hitch occurred in his treatment it could strain international relations and cause Italy to raise the price of their spaghettL Spaghetti at this time was selling at a premium because the spaghetti weevil had destroyed a large percentage of the world's crop “Meter" 'M” said “You're the only man who can save the Italian food industry” Dashing Into the phone booth at the end of the hall I quickly changed into my Meter Man Suit (a vested Baby Blue Pen Stripe that that matches my eyes) It has a large flourescent Orange M embroidered on the back for when I ride Isabelle at nighL I strapped on my Smith and Wesson 31 checked to make sure the night light was on and went to find Isabelle She was at the hair dressers having her wool curled but she came immediately when she saw the worried look on my faee I told her to take me to the JP Duck Medical Center on the double I would explain on the way On the way I told her the problem that the only solution was to locate the golf course markers and score cards and have them up on the course by 2:M o'clock tomorrow afternoon Arriving at the golf course I found it erawling with doctors who were waiting to get on the driving range The police had been there and had been hired as caddies at twice their present salary so they weren’t any help Leaving Isabelle outside to check the markers I walked into the clubhouse and sat down at the only empty table Maggie a waitress I knew came to take my order and I slipped her a 10 and asked her to tell me what she knew about the missing markers 4 —Tho Harold JoumalVolloy Monday October 29 1979 She sat down at the tabic ran her fingers through her curly blonde hair and chewed nervously on her bubble gum "It happened last night after midnight" she said “I was just locking up when I heard a strange whirring sound I looked around and didn’t see anything so I just left" I looked into her blue eyes "Pretty eyes" I thought “but not as pretty as mine" “OK kid thanks" I said As she was leaving she said "You might ask Old Boris the gardner He sometimes goes opt at night to talk to the greens" Leaving the clubhouse I walked to the gardner’s house and finding the door open I walked in Old Boris was playing “Mary Had a Little Lamb" on his violin for his orchids It was so lovely I hated to interrupt but time was pressing “Excuse me" I said holding out my master charge card "My name is Meter Man and I need your help in locating the markers and score eards that were taken last night" Setting down his violin he said “I was on the 13th green having a nice little chat with the grass when I heard a whirring sound then a pop I looked at the 14th tee and there was a blue Sears delivery truck unloading a GE dishwasher I didn't think anything of it since Sears delivers ail over When I finished my conversation the truck had left" I thanked him for his time and left but there was something not quite right with his story It wasn’t until I passed two doctors who were bragging how many meters they had hit the ball on the 9th hole when I realized it was course and Sears doesn’t sell GE dishonly a washers After rushing back to the gardner’s home I found Old Bori lying on the floor Fortunately I had arrived just in time to save OB but the two gorillas got away before I could get a shot off Evidently they had jumped him as soon as I left and tried to kDl him by making him inhale Inside a gym bag I called an ambulance and tried to make him comfortable He was dilirious and kept mumbling “Under the weather beater — look under the weather beater" After the ambulance picked him up I rode Isabelle over to Sears to leave a message for Arlene The message was that I would be unable to join her for dinner at Safeways Being disguised as Meter Man I could watch her undetected as she scattered dog hair on the carpet and picked it up with a hairdryer “If our hair dryer can do that" she boasted "just think what our vacuum cleaner will do" What a salesperson! I love her for her mind as well as her body! But duty called and I had to leave her magic presence On the way out I passed through Household Wares and noticed that Sears Weatherbeater was on sale Then it hit me — they had merely painted over the signs It says on the label that weatherbeater can be washed off with soap and water within 24 hours It was nearing 10 o'clock and the 24 hours would be up at 12:00 Knowing that Isabelle couldn't make it through the traffic in time I did the only thing I could I ran into a nearby telephone booth and called a taxi Back at the golf course I grabbed a bucket of soapy water and began scrubbing the yard markers It was nearing twelve as I approached the last marker on the 9th hole I didn't think anything of the Sears truck that was pulling away as I arrived since Sears delivers all over I started scrubbing at the marker When I started getting lightheaded I realized That snake Dr Pound had coated the sign with rubber cement which makes me lightheaded The last thing I remembered was Isabelle standing on my chest trying to reach the yard marker |