| Show ftW The Salt Lake Tribune Sunday January 10 1988 Class aids people in learning to deal with anger By Ann Kil bourn Tribune Lifestyle Writer People seem to run into anger on a regular basis according to educator Marcia Paravicini Teaching a University of Utah Division of Continuing Education class entitled “Constructively Managing r Yours and Others” Ms Paravicini acknowledged that there are more than likely a lot of angry people in Salt Lake City “Dealing with anger can be an overwhelming proposition And suppressing reaction encourages a festering hostility that worsens as it develops k “Working with and understanding anger is the premise of Ks Paravidni’s class As teacher she said the class is course Primarily a - “People confront anger in a lot of situations — at work at home in personal relationships The class draws on many different situations” addition to individual personal scenarios Ms Par- awdni said class members are required to participate in video tape tO filming of a Si will sit in the hot seat I’ll be the nagging wife the demanding boss the overbearing mother or law I have been the attorney’s client after a lost court cC I can play the part of the sullen child or demanding ' An-fe- skills-developm- £ te suse” ££ls Paravicini and the student will do a dialogue reen-alon- g situations that have angered the student Student and teacher will watch the video during the iCjtt class session discussing behavior and alternative reactions ££lass members are given a handout that explains expectations demanding or expecting too iQch of self others or of the environment” Demanding words to watch for are “should” “ought" and “must” Unreasonable evaluations are: “Exaggerating the significance we attach to certain events and reactions" Ms le Pgyavicini noted £2Uao included are inaccurate appraisals: Misinter iThe r age-ol- d By Leo F Buscaglia PhD don’t see many verandas anymore In my old neighborhood practically every house had one During the summer the veranda was as bustling as a Middle Eastern bazaar Yet it was also a place where if you picked the right time of day you could sink into a wicker rocker and disappear for an afternoon into the pages of Robinson Crusoe or A Tale afTwo Cities In the days of the veranda neighborhoods seemed closer knit than they do now People up down and across the street seemed to know — JT3 more about each other Old Hy— for example who lived two doors down was downright nosy by today's standards She would invari-f£lsettle on her veranda in her favorite rocker each afternoon usual y —Tribune Staff Photo by At Hartmann Marcia Paravicini teaches class that can help students learn how to manage anger t I u ly until bedtime Hardly any activity on our street escaped her notice or comment One did not pass her house without stopping to chat or more neighlikely hear borhood gossip Perhaps she was a bit of a snoop but her presence and the neighborliness of others seemed to give us a feeling of being concerned about each other’s welfare The veranda was a friendly reminder that we lived on a street as well as in a house Everyone on the street knew that when Mama came to the front veranda and called our names food was on the table at the Buscaglia home Once when little Tino got his head stuck between the slats of a veranda railing the whole street converged on him each neighbor offering a different solution to the problem By Jane Sutton United Press International Feature Writer Fla — An entrepreneur’s tearch for the long-lopal who was best man at his wedding has blossomed into a computerized firm that reunites old war buddies former schoolmates and childhood sweethearts for $1695 The FriendFind company was created by Philadelphia native Michael Gold 39 a Vietnam Marine veteran restaurant and footwear entrepreneur and former stockbroker Gold set out to find Stanley Zimmelman the best friend and best man he had lost track of since his wedding 14 years earlier For 14 months he wrote letters — FORT LAUDERDALE st snade phone calls and quizzed acquaintances — “I kept reaching dead ends Finally somebody $Old me he had attended the University of Louisville I contacted the school and they agreed to forward a letter So his last address They wouldn't give me his address It forwarded one or two more times and finally he got Pt k! “I got a phone call and he said ‘Hi It's Stanley’ We Svere immediately best friends again" Figuring there must be lots of people eager to hear a friendly voice from the past Gold set out to write a book called Help Me Find My Friends “While I was interviewing people around the country people would say ‘Why don't you just help us find friends instead of writing about it?’ ’’ He took his unfinished manuscript to some computer programmers last January and they used it as a guide in p search process developing an efficient Z-- The book manuscript turned into the FriendFind kit which sells for $16 95 in stationery stores and by mail uand phone order The kit contains an instruction booklet e application and a promise to search for Jwith a £ £ step-by-ste- Listening to what others are saying helps Eliminating anger is an acquired skill virtues of the verdant veranda One neighbor insisted that we saw off a section of the rail another suggested rubbing lard on poor Tino’s head In the meantime he was growing more panicky by the minute at the thought of being held in this position forever As everyone shouted Tino shifted and his head slid from between the poles attesting to the fact that if you leave kids alone they'll find their own solutions I remember everyone in the neighborhood admiring Cecil Bruner's roses which were beautifully interlaced with the lattice on the side of his veranda I also recall the day Bruner called my brother to help him carry a small rose bush to each neighbor Each bush was started from Bruner’s cuttings Papa’s green thumb was nowhere more in evidence than on the veranda Before one entered our house they were met by a lush jungle of plants and vines that encompassed everything except the veranda floor The greenery softened the noises of the street and held the aroma of Mama’s minestrone so the scent greeted one before he stepped over the threshold Although I didn’t think of it at the time entering the front door was a nice way to unwind after a hard day Peddlers used to come onto the veranda to rest and discourse about brooms towels and shoe polish Papa would sit and rock examining their wares As often as not a deal was struck with a bag of Papa’s zucchini or eggplant as payment When my two sisters were teenagers they would occasionally sit on the veranda with their dates swinging on the porch swing and watching the sky My presence was unwanted on those evenings which is of course the precise reason I hung around asking annoying questions until sometimes I was paid off Several years later I got my come Florida firm can help you seek out long-lo- f — preting or mislabeling the behavior or intentions of others Ms Paravicini’s list of “15 styles of distorted thinking” is often telling When distributed to class members thin list draws reactions in which students will smile and say “That is me” or “I’ve done that before” Included on the list are “filtering: take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation “Mind reading: Without their saying so knowing what people are feeling and why they act the way they do In particular being able to divine how people are feeling toward you “Catastrophising: Expect disaster Notice or hear about a problem and start with the “what ifs” For example: What if tragedy strikes What if it happens to you?” “Anger is becoming a popular topic” Ms Paravicini observed “What surprises people is that they have a lot more to do with anger than they realise They don’t recognize that they are victims of their own distorted thinking “When trying to improve a faltering situation it is always best to be assertive rather than aggressive Step forward to say you don’t like the way a situation is developing sav you want to work toward improving it No one needs to be assaulted That's being aggressive not assertive “An important message in class is getting in touch with what pushes an individual’s buttons — what sets a person off what makes him or her angry When an individual knows what sets him off angers him he has some control over his anger” she explained “When a person owns up to the cause of his anger he can see that sometimes he is responsible for creating it” The key to living a more sedate life is listening “People don’t listen they don’t communicate effectively That is a skill we work on in class learning to listen Listening is a great skill “Basically this class is one in which a student learns to polish his behavior” the missing friend The applicant lists his vital statistics and those of the absent friend — date of birth hometown schools attended club memberships and job and military history and anything else that might provide clues to the lost one’s whereabouts The data is entered into the computer at the company’s Fort Lauderdale office “The computer tells us where to find you or where to look to be most likely to find you” Gold said Using the computer to keep things organized the FriendFind staff ferrets through phone books alumni lists and business directories They may advertise in the personals column or sift through public records at the courthouse e detective game” said Gold “It’s like a The company began its search operations in October and reunited 235 old friends in the first two months he said Gold has recently been promoting the service as a guest on radio and TV talk shows around the country He arranges reunions in the viewing or listening area and reads a list of people sought in that area On an Indianapolis TV morning show he staged a women who hadn’t reunion between two seen each other since seventh grade For a guest spot on a radio show in Providence R I he tracked down a long-los- t high school buddy for the host His company reunited a former Marine living in California with the drill instructor who trained him at Parris Island prior to the Korean War The instructor turned up in Browning Mont Mariann Diebold of Riverview Mich was reunited in December with Ruth Dearth a high school friend she hadn't seen in 25 years Ironically Dearth was living in Farmington Hills Mich just 35 miles away Their reunion took place during a television talk show in true-to-lif- uppance On a veranda a few blocks away I sat with my first love while her little brother refused to be persuaded coerced or bribed to disappear He perched on the stoop or walked a tightrope on the railing repeating my carefully rehearsed phrases in a mocking tone that is the trademark of little boys trying to be obnoxious To this day I'm convinced that one or both my sisters subsidized his actions just to get even This all came back to me as I was sitting on a friend’s front porch (when did we stop calling them verandas?) recently rocking fanning and enjoying the calm of an early evening For me it is a favorite place to be Wonderful memories are recalled the view is nice the conversation is relaxed and best of all it feels like home friends st is looking for you" and given the option of contacting FriendFind if he or she wishes to make contact That ensures that the company is not inadvertently responsible for reuniting enemies Clients must sign a statement that they are seeking the person purely to renew a friendship “We don’t work for the bill collectors and we don’t look for Louie the Lender who wants to break your arms” said Gold “We’re a good news product” The company will not search for missing children spouses or relatives “When a child is missing that’s a case for the police We don’t look for missing mothers fathers sisters and brothers If you have that call the Salvation Army They have a search service for missing relatives” “It was great” said Diebold “We were very good friends in high school We used to double date and have parties together and go to dances I had thought about her through the years and wondered what she was doing but had totally lost track of her As soon as I heard her name I was very happy” The two women have since made plans to get together again “We were running 81 percent found in the early months” Gold said “Now we’re getting 50 new clients a day so it’s not up to date We expect to be able to find in excess of 75 percent” There is no time limit to the search and no guarantee that the missing friend will be found or that once found he or she will want to renew the acquaintance To protect privacy the missing friend is notified that “so-and-- C®nDfii?©fl LsCdorassS ©©mi'ti: ©on Giro© OTEAT FOR '88 LOOCC two-pag- 7PTT o Professionally supervised o Lose up to 4 pounds per week o Nutritionally sound 2-- rag $1495 No Sitting fee! mdwdrii $2 00 dopotff No oppomtmont MCOMory Ua youf Saar Crodrt Cord or Dikow Card! 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