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Show CheSalt LakeTribune PETS * COMICS * TV * ANN LANDERS FRIDAY, NOVEMBER18, 1994 cl breakia: Same-Sex Parentin Couples Say Love, NotLifestyle, Is What Matters “Butso far, so good. She’s pretty well- adjusted.” Repeated studies have found no evidence that children raised in homosexual families are morelikely to be By Brandon Griggs gay themselves. And the lesbian cou- THE SALT LAKE TRIBUNE Madisonis a sunny, brown-haired 2year-old who shares a comfortable house on Salt Lake City’s east side with lots of toys, Disney videos and two parents wholoveher. i She doesn’t have a father. And she neverwill. Madison’s parents are lesbians. They gave birth to Madison through artificial insemination, and they're expecting another child next spring. Neither parent worries that Madison will suffer from not having a dad around. “We're not trying to say in any way that a father is not important. We think fathers are very important,” says Sally, 28, Madison’s natural mother. ‘‘She sees us as two women, andthat’s what we can give her. We're nottrying to replace a man.” “We look at it like she’s lucky to have two mommies,” adds Brenda, 32, Sally’s partner of almost eight years. Although both womenare open about their sexuality, they asked that their last names notbe printed for fear of reprisals from gay-bashers. Sally, Brenda and Madisonare part of a small but growing minority in Utah andaroundthecountry. An estimated 6 million to 14 million children are beingraised by gayor lesbian parents in the United States, and increasing numbersof lesbians and gay men are becoming parents after coming outof the closet. Nobody knows how many children are being raised by same-sex parents in Utah, although members of Salt Lake City’s homosexual community say it is more common — and more acceptable — for lesbian couples to raise children than it is for gay men. All the lesbian couples interviewed for this story agree their lifestyle comes second to being the best possible parents to their children. “My sexuality has nothing to do with how I raise my child,” says Kathy Kees, 31, who hasfull custody of her 4-year-old daughter from a marriage that ended last year. Kees and her partner, who made headlines with herpartner,is also an atheist and a vegetarian. “[My daughter] just has lots of obstacles,” says Kees,laughing. two months ago when the University of Utah wouldn't let them rent student housing, share a Salt Lake City apartment with Kees’ daughter. “There's nothing we're going to do that’s going to makehergay.I certainly didn’t grow upin a homosexual environment,” adds Kees, who, along ples interviewedfor this story agreeit makes no difference to them which sexuality their children choose. Although same-sex marriages are not recognized in Utah, Kees and her partner were “wed” in a small ceremony with friends and relatives last year. Kees’ daughter once asked her mother whether she and herlive-in companion were married. “T said, ‘Yeah,is that OK?’ And she said, ‘Yeah, but when I grow up, I want to marry a boy — is that OK?’ AndI said, ‘Sure.’” No Secret: Atonetimeor another, same-sex parents must explain their sexuality to their young children. Often by that time,lesbian parents say, kids already sense that their family is different from most. “T’ve never acted like it’s anything secretive. We certainly have lots of gay friends that she knows,” says Kees. “As she gets older and asks more questions, I'll be honest with her. Probably whenshestarts school is when we'll haveto sit down and talk to her.” Sally and Brendasay they occasionally must deal with raised eyebrows at the grocery store, along with comments like ‘Whose baby is this?” or “Does she have her father’s eyes?” But none of the womeninterviewed havebeenostracizedby their families, neighbors or co-workers because of their decision to raise children. Most say they havebrothers,friendsor godfathers whoare male role models for their daughters. “Probably the toughest thing about raising her is having to prepare her for all the hate she’ll have to face,” says Kees.All the couplesinterviewed hope homosexuality will become more accepted as their children growolder, sparing them from bigotry and harassment. “Fortunately for Madison, this is notherlifestyle. It’s her mom’slifestyle,” Sally says as her daughter climbs about her lap, nursing milk from a bottle.‘It should haveno bearing on how peopletreat her.” In raising their children, these mothers face the same daily chal- ne ce Tim Kelly/The Salt Lake Tribune Sally,left, and Brenda share hug with daughter Madison. Familieslike theirs are becoming more common. make dinner? Who’s going to pick her up from the babysitter?” says Jeanie Eley, 24, who is raising an 18-monthold daughter in West Jordan with her partner, Leslie Weeks. “Just because she doesn’t have a dad doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us.” “Our focal point is what’s good for the child,” adds Weeks, whois in her 40s. The couple are trying to form a supportgroup for gay mothersto discuss parentingissues. Kees’ daughter sometimes refers to lengesas every parent. Forget sexual- ity issues: There’s potty training, teething and the Terrible Twos to worry about. “We have the same problems as anybodyelse out there. Who’s going to Sharing the Load: The couples say there are noclearly defined parental roles in their households, regardless of whether one woman works while the other stays homewith the child. In _& WitpTHINGS her mother’s partner as “Mommy”; at other times, she seems to think of her as a sister. Ananthropology student at the U., Sally is five months pregnantwith the couple’s second child and is taking timeoff from schoolto raise the children. Brenda worksin Salt Lake City in a program that teaches disabled people to live on their own in the community. Madisonhas Sally’s last name, and Brenda plans to follow suit to avoid confusion. With so many children growing up today in single-parent households, BrendaandSally feel they offer their daughter more than many other families. “I can’t change how people view me. I’m here to be the best mother I can,”’ says Sally. “The foundation [of this family] isn’t anything to do with lesbianism. It’s about love.” Price of Dog Obedience? A COOKIE Readers’ Pet Peeves Include Squawking Birds, Digging Cats The other day I watched a wonderful Labradorretriever play fetch. Hesat in front of his mistress, fur wriggling with pleasure. She threw the ball. He leaped after it. Grabbingit on the run, he raced back and droppedit at By Mike Capuzzo DearWild Things: ‘How many decibels can a macaw’s ‘squawk’register? Wecan find no literature onthis. ... We have 22 exotic birds in our back yard. ... We've beento court twice already on a noise-nuisance complaint. [Tips on] how to deal with that certain [expletive deleted] neighbor would greatly be appreciated.’ — Unsigned in Miami Dear Noisy Neighbor: According to Dave Ross at the Cornell University Li- MUSINGS SS her feet. With his tail wagging his hind end, he got down on his forepaws to anticipate the next toss. Andthe next. He repeated the routine 20 or 30 times. With each fetch, he demonstrated the late author James Michener’s description of the Labradorasa perpetual 5-year-old ready to playat the drop of a stick . . . to say nothingof the devo- tion and love that are part of the package with most members of the breed. As I watched the performance, I brary of Natural Sounds, the world’s largest library of wildlife recordings, “‘Macawsare very loud vocalists. ... A big macaw is definitely among the loudest of birds.” A macawscreech 100 feet away has been measured at 65 decibels, meaning the soundis 65 times louderthan a quiet room. A macaw screechright next door would no doubt exceed the 128decibel maximum allowed in some communities for lawn mowers, he says. And it is louder than a New York City cab horn, garbage truck or rumbling subway. “A parrot right in your ear,” Ross says, “would be louder than a lawn mower.” Says a Humane Society spokesman: “These birds are not domestic animals. "re naturally used to living in huge flocks in the jungle, communi- each family, both parents share in feeding, changing diapers or reading bedtimestories. If there are any clues to how these young children view their parents, they are revealed in the names they call them. In all three families, the child calls her natural mother “Mommy.” Theother parentis called either by her nameorbyan affectionate nickname, such as “Nanna.” This doesn’t always prevent confusion. could not help thinking about Murphy, the giant schnauzer. Murphycan fetch a ball. And she will. Once. Maybe twice. Three tosses is pushing it. If I keep Whenit came to tending his tenor, Rico was fastidious. cating at great distances. That kind of squawkingis normal for them.” cat; it's with the cat owner. Thefirst line of attack should betalking to the Oo cat owner. This is a pain to you, but to Dear Wild Things: I am having trouble with cats using my flower bed for a litter box. I have tried red pepper and mothball flakes, but nothing seems to work. Do you have any ideas? — R. Willauer, Media, Pa. Dear R.W.: Rachel Lamb of the Humane Society says this about your problem:“The problem is not with the ' 4 cats, your flower bedis the bestlitter boxin the world. The owner can keep the cat inside or whenthecatis outside supervise the cat. Or you can try a waterspritzer: Spraythe cat every time the cat goes in there. If you catch the a in the act, you can train it not to go ere.” @ See WILD THINGS,C-4 4 throwing it away, she doesn’t wantit, either. On the other hand, Murphy's “sister,” Maggie, the schnoodle — half-giant-schnauzer and half-standard-poodle — will play fetch longafterI've lost interest. Maggie also points birds and has been known to raise a pheasant. Murphy trails along companionably. She isn’t much interested in the fetching routine. She doesn’t understand Maggie's fascination with birds. However, Maggie showed her how to dig holes in the yard. That Murphy understands. It hasn't been a one-waystreet. Mag- " rd JUDY MAGID gie has picked up behavior modifications from Murphy.Quiet, obedient,almost passive whenshecameto live with us, she now races through the house with Murphy, bouncing off the furniture and walls. When scold, she no longer looks like the end of the world has come. She takes her cue from Murphy, who knows I'll getoverit. Maggie and Murphyare quite a pair. The GOSH call them the ‘“GrrrahGrrrah girls.” They chase the cats and chew on each otherall day except when I am talking on the telephone, working at the computer or reading a book. That's when they want myattention. Now. Like our other dogs, these two are expected to work for a living. Bringing in the newspaper, barking when strangers come, accompanyingus to do chores and feed horses, are part of their re@ See MAGID,C-4 ‘ ‘ |
