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Show THE DAILY HERALD, Provo, Utah, Wednesday, December 27, 1995 Page D6 Druse woman killed by brother for honor 5 ' ! of secular Jews. "Some part of the Arab society resists change. They find the Israeli society too promiscuous, so they go to the other extreme, and we get a negative reaction," said Sahar Daoud, a Muslim woman and member of the group Women Against Violence. Police in Israel follow up on complaints by battered women and go after suspected killers. In the Palestine Liberation Organization-rule- d Gaza Strip, police have also begun to arrest suspects in family honor killings. By SCHEHEREZADE FARAMARZI Associated Press Writer Western lifestyle PALIAT AL KARMEL, Israel Ibtihaj Hassoun returned to this Druse village hoping to make up with the family she left 22 years ago as a young woman. A brother confronted her in the main square and thrust a knife into her stomach, killing her while onlookers cheered. , Although she grieved, the vic- -' tirri's mother, Hilweh, said the killing was justified. She said her daughter had blackened the fami-- ; ly's name by divorcing her Druse husband and moving away to remarry outside the faith. "I lived in shame for what she did to us. We Druse don't approve of a girl leaving home," said Mrs. Hassoun, dressed in a white scarf and long robe and sitting cross-- j lagged on the living room floor. The Druse, who number about 90,000 in Israel, are an Arab reli-- ! gious community that broke away From Islam in the Nth century. They do not allow religious con-- ; version or intermarriage. 1,! ''Honor killings" are widely condoned by the Druse and other Ara" communities where ancient customs play a strong role, In Israel, 10 Arab women are known to have been killed since j , ; i ' i J ; But usually, it is already too late by the time police are involved. There are no women's shelters in the West Bank and Gaza Strip, and only three for Arab women in Israel. At one shelter in northern Israel, Noha, a Palestinian Muslim, said she feared to return home, citing threats by her mother to have her killed. Noha, who would not give her last name, said she moved back into her parents home after getting a divorce and was kept locked inside the house because the family wanted to hide the "shame." Relatives beat her when she tried to break out and complain to police. "I was treated like an animal," Noha said. To make matters worse, a brother-in-law took advantage and ld ' ! ' ; ; ! i ! 1991 by male relatives on suspi-- j cion" of carrying out "immoral acts" that relatives felt besmirched j 'family honor. Betselem, an Israeli human Tights group, says that in the West Bank and Gaza Strip nearly all 107 ,Arub women killed as suspected t?1sriieli informers during the Palestinian uprising were in fact victims of honor killings. n .Women's rights activists argue that the killings are used to prevent Arab women from rebelling 'against a way of life in which they dominated by men from cradle " to gr.ive. the contrast is especially sharp in Israel, where traditional Arab ''. society exists side by side with the her repeatedly because, raped Noha said, using his words: "A divorced woman is easily available." Noha did not tell her family of the rape for fear of not being believed or, much worse, being blamed. "This honor thing is a disease in our society. I am a victim of my society," Noha said. , six-ye- ar , Ibtihaj Hassoun's brother, Amer, 29, was arrested immediately after the killing. When a preliminary court hearing was held in the northern port of Haifa, a dozen women's rights activists picketed. ;re been married anywhere from 0 to 50 years. These were not people who had stayed together "for the kids" or because it was the "right thing to do." These were people who seemed actually to enjoy marriage and their partners after many years. Many of these callers spoke about how difficult marriage was in the beginning, and they spoke about their commitment held them together through rough spots. As one caller said. "The beginning can be rough, but staying through the tough times to get to the good times has definitely been worth it. Besides, it's what we said we would do in our vows." One of the key factors keeping the commitment alive was shared 1 er was on a New Orleans radio talk show recently, discussing ."What Makes a Marriage Successful." I - ' The producers had decided on this topic after seeing one of my columns in the local newspaper. Now I'll cremate a column based the talk show. Are you with me so far? OK. The format was that the host - and I would talk about what makes ; marriages successful and my book, "The Seven Seeds for Growing a Healthy Marriage," and take calls from listeners. We received dozens of them, Vabout what had made their successful. In fact, we were 2 5iot able to get to all ihe callers. "1;"What I discoverd was that. i(though'I was on the show as the "expert," the real experts were the people calling in. Let's take a closer look at the-Jh'e'mes they brought up and their iidyice about marriage. mm mi The strongest theme was that of "commitment, both to the other person and to the marriage. J; This came from callers who had j upcoming mar-JT-fiag- es j problem-solvin- g. J One caller offered the traditional cliche. "We don't let the sun go down on our anger." My reply was that, if they stuck to that notion, many people would never get any sleep! But the caller went on to say. "We don't have to think alike: we have just learned to think together." That's excellent advice. Another caller made this inter- esting distinction: "We always d AP Photo Residents of the Druse village of Daliat Al Karmel, Israel, put up a make-shibarrier as people gather around the body of Ibtihaj Hassoun, a Druse woman killed by her brother to preserve family honor. ft "Honor killings are a reflection systematic oppression of women which exists in every society," said activist Carol Goldgeir. "Family honor is not just a question of killing, but how you dress, how you behave and where you of go" On the opposite side of the street. Druse men from Daliat Al Karmel demanded that charges against Amer be dropped. "It served her right. She disobeyed our rules, and we were happy to finish her off," said Karim Hassoun, Amer's cousin. "Any girl who does a thing like that has to die. Every dog will get what it deserves." Ibtihaj was 20 when she left Daliat Al Karmel in 1973 after divorcing a Druse she had been forced to marry as a teen-age- r. A woman who gets a divorce brings shame to her family. To compound matters, Ibtihaj then married a a Bedouin. non-Drus- e, Amer was 7 years old when his sister left the village. "He heard insults about his sister as he was growing up. People used to tell him, 'instead of flexing your muscles, go and straighten out your sister,' " said Dunia, a villager who did not want to give her last name. In October, Ibtihaj came home to try to make amends with her family. In the village square, Amer confronted her and the shouts drew dozens of onlookers, witnesses said. As Amer stabbed his sister, the crowd cheered and clapped. Relatives later said Amer at first tried to persuade his sister to marry a Druse man and settle in the village. They said Ibtihaj dismissed his pleas, drew a knife and stabbed her brother in the arm before he killed her. That same night. Israel TV showed Ibtihaj's body lying in the square, covered by a blanket and villagers gathered around. Some women in the crowd flashed victory signs to show their support for the killing. Mrs. Hassoun said her daughter was to blame for the slaying. "She came all the way to die here. It's not that we went after her and killed her at her place." make sure to argue as "friends' and not as 'husband and wife.'" This one had me really curious. So I asked the caller to elaborate, and if I could use this concept in my work. The caller went on to explain how, when they're arguing, this husband and wife focus on holding each other in the high esteem, as best friend. you would a long-tim- e They try not to be just someone who is trying to win an argument. That seems to work for them and. so far, also seems to be working in my office. Many of the successful couples had found a way to use laughter to keep the spark alive and move through rough waters. As one woman put it. "We have learned to take our marriage seriously, but not ourselves." What an interesting idea. One man said a secret of success for him and his wife is that, early on, he decided. "Whatever is good for my wife is good for me." Now, the pop psychology of the '80s would hold that this man is that is. too depencodependent dent on his wife. However, although the concept on of co- - or someone is useful, it's a concept that has been taken to an unhealthy extreme. Just think about it: You are "codependent" on the chair you are sitting in to read this newspaper, for goodness sake. I think this couple has discovered the power of "interdependen-cy.- " the abilit) to trust and depend on each other. He sounded very happy, and I'm willing to bet his wife is pretty happy as well. are just a few of the . These themes that came out on the program. I received quite an education while in my supposedly expert role. What I've come to believe is that the real experts are those folks out there who have created successful marriages. So consider these questions. What are the things that have made your marriage successful? What's the difference that makes the difference? Let us hear from you at the address below. After all, you're the real experts! Jeff Herring is a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical hypnotherapist. He writes ahojn stress for the Tallahassee Democrat. Write to him co Tallahassee Democrat, P.O. Box 990, Tallahassee FL 32302-0990. ife batterer pleads with others to get help Dear Ann Landers: Having i2een guilty of domestic violence years of marriage. 3 am perplexed by those who pJelieve that being a wife batterer Jloes not make one a potential wife t 3'or t t 28 of my 3 1 life, perhaps my letter will help other wife batterers. My message is "GET HELP." jinurderer. IV commentators and jegal experts who express this vpinion have no idea what domes-,- i J ic violence can lead to. Control is the center of a wife Z Ihattgrer's existence. When the con-- I jSrol vf my spouse became threat ;ned. I developed an inner rage " overwhelming. ' "l Sin one occasion when we were separated, I put a loaded gun in my Z hoCket with the intention of killing injCwife and myself. Only the ' 5jirrjviil of military police at my Jjiome prevented me from going Jlhrolich with it. I thank God for I jhatrMy children were home, and I Jvan imagine the devastating effect hat would have had on their lives. ml Three years ago, I entered a l Jhut-wa- s t 5 court-ordere- d spouse-abus- e pro-i,gra- The counseling was intense I iind effective. I became aware of my tlontroliing personality and how it as destroying my family. 1 learned Jhat control is not love. It is an obses-pio- n that destroys relationships. I recognize all my old Today, l tTiicthods of control. When they tagin to surface, I rid myself of 5)hcm instantly. I've grown a lot I i.ince treatment and have found an I inner peace. A crumbling marriage 'r)3 become wonderful. Although ."'my. conversion came late in my Ann Landers It's out there and available. You may feel the love you have for your spouse will make up for the pain you have caused her. but without proper therapy and counseling, you will never make it. J.M.B., Orlando. Fla. Dear Orlando: It took courage to write as you did, and I thank you. Your message to wife beaters to get counseling is excellent. Most sessions at a DALLAS medical conference are filled with technical talk and deadly dull overhead slides. But one half-hoat last month's annual meeting here of the American College of Allergy, Asthma & Immunology was clearly different. s Dr. Thomas A.E. stood up to address his colleagues how their bite about bedbugs-anis the least of our problems. He was especially adamant about the floors in most American homes. "Many societies have these good rules about what to do about carpets," he told a gathering of hundred several physicians. "We're ignoring them all. We're putting carpet in homes and then we can't clean it. I can't think of what makes me more angry , television sets or carpeting." Not exactly standard fare for a Platts-Mill- m mm respiratory disorders By BOB CONDOR Chicago Tribune Voices of experience discuss winning marriages By JEFF HERRING Knight-RiddNewspapers Invisible germs may create And now, my advice to women who are in physically abusive relationships: GET OUT, and call the police. Press charges, and flatly refuse to let him back in the house until he has begun to get professional help. Most wife beaters are also substance abusers. They need Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous. Insist they join up as a condition of reuniting. Dear Ann Landers: A dear friend of long standing, I will call her "Nola," has lunch with me about once a week. I enjoy her company a great deal, and I don't want to lose her friendship, but something is bothering me. Nola has a habit of putting her fork in my food and saying. "I just want a little taste." She never asks if mind. She just goes ahead and helps herself. If she likes it, she 1 says. "Gee. that certainly is delicious. I think I'll have a second taste." And then she reaches over again. While she's at it. she spears an olive, a pickle or a forkful of lettuce. I find this disgusting. Last week, I invited a male friend to join us for lunch, and Nola ate off his plate, too. Although he didn't say anything, it was obvious to me that he resented on it. It took a lot of I shut. mouth to my my part keep wanted to smack her one. How can I get Nola to stop this revolting habit? I want to deliver the diplomatically message because she's a very dear friend. Marietta in Mass. self-contr- ol medical lecture. s is a leading expert on indoor allergies and asthma. He counts the microscopic house dust mite as a major culprit responsible for the sneezing, wheezing, coughing and sometimes far more serious symptoms of such respiratory Platts-Mill- disorders. "Substantial data shows there is no question patients can develop serious illness from dust mites," said director of the of Virginia's Asthma & University Allergic Disease Center in Charlottesville. "We must determine ways to eliminate them and make it easy for patients." Dust mites, members of the spider family, feed primarily on skin cells shed by humans and pets each minute we walk around our homes, shift in our chairs or brush our clothing. These mites are highest in number from June to September because they thrive in warm, humid conditions. But their minuscule waste particles can remain in the home for many months after that. The particles, rather than the bugs themselves, are what cause allergic reactions. Piatt-Mill- s, Plus, according to the National Institutes of Health, we spend 90 percent of our time indoors during the year and even more when temperatures are below freezing. "There are simple measures people can take to guard against dust inites if their doctors determine there is an allergic reaction," in a follow-u- p said Platts-Mill- s interview. "Start with your bedding. Wash it frequently and cover your pillows and mattresses." He explained that companies like Allergy Control Products of Richfield, Conn., and Allergy-Fre- e By JEANE DIXON For Dec. 28 ARIES (March 2 April 19): Ignore ihose who want to separate you from your savings. A relat'ne or friend suggests a idea. Draw up an agreement for both of vou to sicn. y TAURUS (April 20): Detailed work requires concentration. Mental pursuits arc favored over physical feats today. Keeping up with your professional reading will help vou beat the competition. (JeMINI (May 2 June 20): Take your time about announcing a change you have been pondering. Deal with any doubts that suddenly crop up. then move forward with confidence. CANCER (June 2 July 22): Thinking about the choices you have made recently, will teach you something important about yourself. Look for ways to make everyday iilc more fulfilling. I.EO (July 2.VAug. 22): Your mate or partner comes to you re- - ue w ith previously-hidderesources. Recycle an old project to create new profits. A child plays a key role in an important decision. A loan comes just in lime. VIRGO (Aug. 22): You to move in a new direction. Your romantic partner may be overwhelmed by your plans. Address your loved one"s con-cetbefore taking action. Maintain a sense of humor even if stress affects a relationship. . LIBRA (Sept. 22): You strike the right note with your helping to create an exceptional opportunity. Pooling your skills and talents will boost profits. A Dear Marietta: Forget about diplomacy. Tell Nola flat out to stop putting her fork in j our food because it's crude and unhygienic and it spoils jour appetite. Neuromuscular 7 nephew, WU flIUST 8E fflARTHA'J this is my MU6HTER. SHE'S SINGLE; 1i j NEUER "TARRIED COMPLETELY f T! f UMTWHED! PERFECTLY 5IN&LE ! J HOT 0E5PERAT?1 JUST SW&LE! 5IN&LE, 5IN&LE. S1N&LE 1 f I HELLO, m THIS IS M I ; CATtW, AND ALTAR EGO J of nonpenneable pillow and mattress covers that prevent the bugs from camping out in your bed, including the feathers from your pillows. The next step is to remove carpeting from the bedroom if not the entire house, replacing it with wood floors and area rugs. You don't want to know how many dust mites can live in a square yard of carpeting, even those vacuumed several times per week. Using area rugs allows you to shake them out or launder the'm. Platts-Milsaid that putting an area rug outdoors in the sun or in into a freezing temperatures-o- r 20 minutes will clothes dryer-fo-r kill the dust mites. "We find a quarter of our patients do well if they simply wash and properly cover their bed"Another ding," said Platts-Millthird improves if carpeting is removed from the bedroom area, and yet another third improves when carpeting is removed from the entire home." Another tip: Keep your home cool (less than 70 degrees) and dry (under 55 percent relative humidity) whenever possible. During the session, Platts-Mill- s wall-to-w- ls s. covered other major offenders: cats, dogs and cockroaches. "The correct thing to do for cat allergies is to remove them from the home," he said. Cockroaches are similar to dust mites in that killing them is only half the battle. Their droppfngs contain a protein that can cause allergies and asthma. Some companies are now pro- ducing special "high efficiency particulate air" (HEPA) cleaning machines with dense filters that help trap all sorts of home pollutants, including dust mite and cockroach particles, animal dander, pollens, molds, dust, fibers and smoke. The units come in sizes that can be customized to living space, much like humidifiers. One reputable maker is the Enviracaire line from Honeywell, said Barbara Layman, a consumer advocate who has served as president of the National Allergy Foundation in Washington, D.C., and advisory board member of the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute. "It was the first company to express an interest in conducting research on HEPA cleaners," Layman said. "We need solid information on the subject and less marketing. It's important for allergy and asthma patients to know what they can do besides take drugs to control their problems." Hoioscope by Cathy Guisewite cathy Inc. of Dickinson, Texas, sell a line disease can say no running, walking even breathing. HelpMDA help people. major purchase or sale thrills you. Host a small celebration after work. SCORPIO (Oct. 21): A financial plan or project flourishes thanks to the letters you sent out. Heed your intuition: it is telling you the real story. A pleasant surprise is the highlight of a trip or visit. 21 ): Your SAGITTARIUS (Nov. open heart invites love to walk in and stay. A formal affair that you orchestrate is a siun-nin- g success! You would be wise to say "no" to impulsive purchases. Romance is somei what chancv. CAPRICORN (Dee. 19): Listening or investigating will help you broaden your sphere of influence today. Do not leave any stones unturned when trying to locate vital data; important decisions may hinge on your research. Be easygoing but direct. 18): Hurt AQUARIUS (Jan. feelings could spring from a misunderstanding. Making your point clearly and humorously will clear the air. Certain social plans may be more costly than enjoyable. Rent a video and relax al home tonight. PISCES (Feb. 20): Loved ones may Iry to stick their noses into your business. Make your own career and financial decisions. Harness your sometimes overactive imagination. This evening, skip group entertainment for a encounter. |