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Show a HERALD DAILY Sunday, December 9, 2007 TODAY IN HISTORY fonnybone .WARNING SOME MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE Weird word problems again, our glands Once Swollen with pride as present "Ask Mister Language Person," the column that answers your common questions about grammar, punctuation and sheep diseases. Mister Language Person is the only authority who has been formally recognized by the American Association of English Teachers On Medication. ("Hey!" were their exact words. "It's YOU!") So, without farther adieu, let us turn to our first question, which comes from a reader who has just returned from a trip to England. Q. I have just returned from a trip to England, and ... A. We know that. Get to the point! You're wasting space! Q. OK, sorry, Anyway, I have just returned from a trip to England, and I noticed that the English put an extra "u" in certain words, such as "rumour," "humour" and "The Roulling Stounes." Also, they call some things by totally different names, such as "lift" when they mean "elevator," "bonnet" when they mean "lorry," and "twit" when they mean "former Vice President Quayle." My question is, don't they have any dentists over there? A. Apparently nout. Q. Please explain the correct usage of the word "neither." A. Grammatically, Dave Barry Warren, insists it should be, "you have been done seeing the last of you're child." This has become a real bone of contention, to the point where Warren refuses to come out of the utility shed. What do you think? A. We think that an excellent name for a band would be: "The Bones of Contention." Q. I have noticed that newspapers often state that they have obtained information from "informed sources." Who are these sources? A. We cannot tell you. Q. Why not? A. Because the Evil Wizard will turn them back into snakes. Q. As an employee of the Internal Revenue Service, I have been tasked with the paradigm of making our income-taforms more "user friendly" for the average American citizen, who, according to our research, has the IQ of a sugar beet. I am currently working on this sentence from the Form 1040 instructions: "A taxpayer who dies prior to the fourth trimester of the previous year must, within 10 fiscal days of kicking the bucket, file Form which has not been available since the Eisenhower administration." How can I make this sentence "neither" y dy'r e child, but my husband, ' "' wording would be: " ... which has not been available since the Eisenhower administration (1952-60).- " Q. When should I say "phenomena," and when should I say "phenomenon"? A. "Phenomena" is what grammarians refer to as a "subcutaneous invective," which is a word used to describe skin disorders, as in "Bob has a weird phenomena on his neck shaped like Ted Koppel." Whereas "phenomenon" is used to describe a backup singer in the 1957 musical group "Duane Furlong and the Phenomenons." Q. What was their big hit? A. "You Are the Carburetor of My Heart." Q. What is the most fascinating newspaper photograph caption you have ever seen? A. That would be the caption to a 1994 photograph from the caption states, in its entirety: "An Angolan carries his pet monkey Sunday on a beach in Angola as leaders of the country sign a new peace agreement." Q. Can you please reprint the top two headlines from the cover of the October 1996 issue of Reader's Digest? A. Certainly: FIRM UP YOUR BOTTOM YOU CAN RAISE YOUR CHILD'S IQ Q. In Publication No. 51 of the U.S. Postal Service, which was sent in by alert reader Oljan Repic, how is the term "Special Handling" defined? A. It is defined as "a service ; that is optional except when mailing honeybees to Canada." TODAY'S BUSINESS WRITING TIP: In writing proposals to prospective clients, be sure to clearly state the benefits they will receive: WRONG: "I sincerely believe Billings, Mont., Gazette, sent in that it is to your advantage to by alert reader David Martin. The photo, which accompanies accept this proposal." RIGHT: "I have photographs a very serious story on efforts of you naked with a squirrel." to end the civil war in Angola, GOT A QUESTION FOR women shows some bikini-claMISTER LANGUAGE PERon a beach, looking at a man who is holding a monkey. The SON? That is not our problem. d 129 II x to begin sentences with compound subjects that are closely related and wear at least a size 24, as in: "Neither Esther nor Bernice have passed up many Ding Dongs, if you catch my drift." It may also be used at the end of a carnivorous injunction, as in: "And don't touch them weasels, neither." Q. My husband and I recently received a note containing this sentence: "Give us the money, or you seen the last less confusing? of you're child." I say that the ... . . JV. According to the should be., , wording fiorjeqt is used '(Q'S . " MKITP non-exem- df Professional Tax Professionals, a much clearer ing the 1948 presidential run Strom of Thurmond, saying, "A poor Today's Highlight in History: choice of words conveyed to some the impression that I emOn Dec 9, 1854, Alfred, braced the discarded policies Lord Tennyson's famous of the past." poem, "The Charge of the One year ago: Discovery Light Brigade," was published in England. lighted up the sky in the first , On this date: nighttime space shuttle launch in four years. A fire broke out In 1892, "Widowers' Houses," Bernard Shaw's first play, at a Moscow drug treatment opened at the Royalty Theater hospital, killing 45 women in London. trapped by barred windows In 1940, British troops and a locked gate. Ohio State opened their first major ofquarterback Troy Smith won fensive in North Africa during the Heisman Trophy. Singer World War II. Georgia Gibbs, who had In 1 941, China declared war reached the top of the charts on Japan, Germany and Italy. in the 1950s, died in New York In 1942, the Aram City at age 87. ballet "Gayane," Today's Birthdays: Actor Kirk Douglas is 91. Actress featuring the surging "Saber Dina Merrill is 82. Actor Dick Dance," was first performed Van Patten is 79. Actor-writby the Kirov Ballet. Buck Henry is 77. Actress In 1958, the Dame Judi Dench is 73. AcJohn Birch Society was tor Beau Bridges is 66. Jazz formed in Indianapolis. n Dan Hicks In 1965. Nikolai V.Pod-gorn- y is 66. Football replaced Anastas I. Dick Butkus is 65. Actor MiMikoyan as president of the chael Nouri is 62. Former Sea Presidium of the Supreme Today is Sunday, Dec. 9, the 343rd day of 2007. There are 22 days left in the year. er , singer-musicia- Soviet. In 1982, special Watergate prosecutor Leon Jaworski died at his Wimberly, Texas, ranch at age 77. In 1987, the first Palestinian intefadeh, or uprising, began as riots broke out in Gaza and spread to the West Bank, triggering a strong Israeli counter-res- ponse. In 1990, Solidarity founder Lech Walesa won Poland's presidential runoff by a landslide. In 1992, Britain's Prince Charles and Princess Diana telLtk: : in that they are constructing a filter to eliminate stupid messages to online forums and bulletin boards. Lead researcher Gabriel Ortiz said his team had compiled a database of idiotic comments and that the new software 111 Ml by Chuck Shepherd instituted a policy of landing spaces at requiring recruits and their . squad leaders to hug each other, which he thought would k England's Heathrow and airports, but the company denied that. Gat-wic- build mutual respect. Accordsounds News ing to the ritual, each would place his right hand on the like a joke other's back and left hand on the other's waist, with the ( 1) The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency made a speleader saying, "Brother, I will cial announcement in October take care of you," and the rewould detect unintelligible cruit replying, "Squad leader, I that it is once again safe to eat remarks and either alert the writer to fix them or divert the respect you." Not surprisingly, squirrels in New Jersey. (In January, EPA had discovered message to the recipient's "junk Lee was forced to abandon the lead in tissue samples from local mail." Easy dumb messages to policy three weeks later, espefilter: those with the tacky, imcially after critical officials kept squirrels, but later said the lead mature repetition of a closing challenging Lee to hug some of might have come from defects his military officers in the same in the sampling machine.) (2) consonant, e.g., "That thing is Karl Marx's writings glorifying amazinggggg!!!" More difficult: way (which he declined to do). communism (though Western I In October a police officer how to treat sarcasm and irony, in that smart writers sometimes in Scranton, Pa., charged Dawn capitalists regard it as grim and Herb with disorderly conduct joyless) may well have reflected deliberately use dumb stateafter he passed her home and ments to mock other writers. merely his alienation from heard her, through an open society due to a lifelong series of excruciatingly painful boils, window, cussing her toilet, Can't possibly be true which at the time was overaccording to a recent British I An Indonesian fisherman, flowing and leaking into the : Journal of Dermatology article. In an 1867 letter, Marx wrote, kitchen. Herb, and the AmeriDede, age 35, is in reasonably "The bourgeoisie will rememLiberties Civil were his can health that Union, except good incredulous. ber my carbuncles until their hands and feet resemble somedying day." thing out of the "Alien" movie I As protesters gathered at series, with huge root-lik- e Inexplicable colleges around the country growths that render his arms to criticize federal budget In October, Beckley, W.Va., and legs useless, according to a cutbacks that would raise the November Discovery Channel police detained a man whom they found at the TV program, "Half Man, Half price of subsidized birth control at student health services, Tree," reported on by London's. King Tut Drive-I-n on a Satone University of New Mexico urday afternoon, apparently Daily Telegraph. Dermatolohe his "driven" had after student described the imminent of the sober, gist Anthony Gaspari horror to Albuquerque's KFRQ-TUniversity of Maryland flew to four grandchildren, all around "(Students shouldn't) have Indonesia and determined that age 4, "on a busy street in a motorboat pulled by a to make a choice between their Dede's condition was caused by birth control and their cell lawnmower," according to an a genetic inability to restrain Associated Press report. The the growth of warts ("cutanephone bill or their birth control vehicle was of course unregand their gym membership ... " ous horns") produced by the istered and uninspected, and human papillomavirus. Gaspari The District of Calamity prescribed a regimen of vitamin the children not properly but the man seemed A, which he said should reduce (1) In November, two the sjze of the warts enough so unaware that he had placed the kids in danger. bureaucrats in the District that, with surgery, Dede could Columbia tax office were of hands his use again. eventually I Twin sisters Doris McAus-lan- d Unclear on the concept charged with stealing $16 million over three years (since and Dora Bennett are 80 British Airways, via a raised by investigators to more years old, live in Madison, Wis., e advertising cam- - Q than $20 million) by granting apparently like and dislike the tax "refunds" to phony comsame foods, met their husbands paign, has bragged about its on the same day, from the same environmental awareness, but panies run by their friends and relatives. Authorities said London's Daily Mail revealed church group, had hysterectorefund checks were in November that the company mies at the same time, always had recently flown "dozens" routinely issued to companies get their hair done together, no one had ever heard of, yet of planes across the Atlantic and, ever since they were Ocean empty, spewing thouthe scam was not discovered toddlers, have worn identical sands of tons of carbon dioxide, by supervisors or auditors until outfits every day (except for an employee of a bank branch pne time that they had different allegedly because it could not located in a grocery store got find enough crew members shoes), according to a Novemfor the flights. Critics said suspicious. (2) A November ber CBS News report. the airline merely wanted to Washington Post Investigation I In October, Taiwan's minfound an almost complete lack ister of national defense, Lee preserve its valuable that . d, of oversight of the "activities funds" of D.C public schools, which were looted by some administraoften-bountif- tors and teachers for personal travel, meals and even strip-clu- b tabs. Least competent criminals Paul Keith, 75, was arrested in Framingham, Mass., in November after he had allegedly driven aggressively into the car stopped in front of him waiting for a traffic light to change. Keith explained to police that the other driver had failed to move once the light turned greea "(S)o I drove into the back of him. When the light turns green, you're supposed to go." high-profil- six-figu- re ). EUGENIA LAST, SUNDAY, DECEMBER 9, BORN ON THIS Beau Bridges, 66 Happy Birthday: You will have added responsibilities this year. You can prove your worth, your ability and your strength and courage by the way you handle the situations you face. A partnership ap- 2007 around you. Overspending, overindulgence and overdoif ing will all come into play not by you, then by the people you are close to. 2 stars LIBRA (Sept. 22): Moving about, taking in the t. scenery or having fun with friends, neighbors or relatives should be your game plan. Your eye will catch something or someone unique that will influence what you offer others in the new year. 4 stars pears to be your saving grace. Don't grumble if a change is required or a move needs to SCORPIO (Oct. be made. Your numbers are 21): Your mind will be working 12,17,22,25,40,44 in overdrive regarding ways ARIES (March 19): to make more money. Your Travel is recommended, esideas will be good but don't pecially to visit old friends or let them get out of hand. Start family. You will find interestwith baby steps and you will ing items at bargain prices if do much better financially. you go on a shopping spree Don't fight change. 3 stars today. Put work aside it's SAGITTARIUS time for family fun. 5 stars (Nov. TAURUS (April 20): 21): You'll be hard to control, not easy to pin down and eaYou will overspend if you go shopping or if you get ger to do everything in a big involved in lavish entertainway. Expect to face opposiment. Put on restrictions or tion. Think matters through you will be short of cash when and you will know what's best you need it most. Spend time for you and will let others help. 3 stars doing things that will save CAPRICORN (Dec you money like baking or making gifts and decorations. 19): There may be a lot of 3 stcirs skeletons in the closet right GEMINI (May 21 June 20): now, especially pertaining to Your focus should be on partfinancial matters and your nerships and what you can do professional future. Keep to make them better. Changes things quiet. The more secreat home may be unavoidable tive you are, the better the but you will discover things outcome will be for you. 3 aren't as bad as you think. stcirs Someone may call your bluff 18): AQUARIUS (Jan. or question your whereabouts. Don't let what someone else 3 stcirs says get you down. Helping CANCER (June 21 July 22): others will be the best thing Take care of matters that con- you can do for yourself. A cern older or younger people. chance to offer services of Put time aside for the one you any kind will lead to an opporlove or, if you are single, meet tunity to do more of the same new people by attending funcequaling financial gains in tions that interest you and you the future. 4 stars PISCES (Feb. will discover someone who 20): captures your attention. Don't Prepare for any year-en- d dwell on work- - related-issue- s festivities. Love is highlighted and a promise can be made. today. 3 stars LEO(July23-Aug.22):Yo- u Money will come to you will be the center of attention, through a most unusual way. 2 stars the one everyone looks up to. Your entertaining way of Birthday Baby. You are a survivor and a hands-odealing with others will get you what you want, so spread troubleshooter. You are pasyourself around and enjoy the sionate, patriotic and very moment. Opportunities will personable. You are an orgadevelop and proposals will be nizer and great friend. presented. 5 stars VIRGO (Aug. 22): Eugenia's Web sites: Listen to complaints, don't astroadvice.com for make them. There will be fun, eugenialast.com for confidential consultations plenty of change going on 22-D- 20-Nl- 22-Ja- n. Update Armin Meiwes, the German who was convicted in 2004 of killing, filleting and eating an apparently willing victim whom he had met via the Internet, gave his first extensive interview from prison in October to German TV and mentioned in passing that his . sauteed morsels "tasted like pork, a little ... bitter, stronger." And in November, a Green Party activist who visits Meiwes's prison told a reporter that Meiwes had been elected by fellow inmates as a discussion leader on environmental, tax and legal issues and was demonstrating his commitment to Green Party gourmet-cannib- principles by eating mostly vegetarian meals. mid-lev- use-the- singer-musicia- HOROSCOPE 111 Jakob Dylan, 38; Allison Smith, 38; John Malkovich, 54; , singer-musicia- Jakob Dylan (Wallflowers) is 38. Country musifinal Aug. 28, 1996.) cian Brian Hayes (Cole Deggs and the Lonesome) is 38. Ten years ago: Confronting her critics, Attorney General Actress Allison Smith is 38. Janet Reno traded testy reCountry singer David Kersh is 37. Rock musician Tre Cool marks with Republicans on a House investigating com(Green Day) is 35. Rapper Canibus is 33. Rock musician mittee as she defended her Eric Zamora (Save Ferris) is decision not to seek an independent counsel for fundrais-in- g 31. Rock singer Imogen Heap is 30. Actor Jesse Metcalfe is calls made by President Clinton and Vice President Al 29. Actor Simon Helberg is 27. Gore. Thought for Today: "Hatred Five years ago: President comes from the heart; conBush tapped railroad executempt from the head; and neither feeling is quite within our tive John W. Snow to be his new Treasury Secretary, , control." Arthur Schopenthree days after firing Paul hauer, German philosopher O'NeilL Senate Republican leader Trent Lott apologized The Associated Press for remarks he'd made prais CELEBRITIES News of the Weird Software magazine n is 42. Rock Thomas Flowers (Oleander) is 40. Rock musician Brian Bell n (Weezer) is 39. Rock announced their separation. (The couple's divorce became DAY: Tien-y- u, Jerry Hughes (Yankee Grey) (1788-1860- ".. engineers told Thomas Daschle, is 60. Singer Joan Armatrading is 57. Actor Michael Dorn is 55. Actor John Malkovich is 54. Country singer Sylvia is 51. Singergame show host Don-n- y Osmond is 50. Rock musician Nick Seymour (Crowded House) is 49. Comedian Mario Cantone is 48. Actor Joe Lan-d- o is 46. Actress Felicity Huffman is 45. Country musician Readers' choice (1) In October, Shannon Whisnant innocently bought a meat smoker at auction when owner John Wood of Maiden, N.C, fell behind in storage payments, but then Whisnant discovered Wood's amputated leg inside (where Wood had been keeping it for posterity). Whisnant claimed ownership and then suggested a joint money-makinproject with Wood after the story made worldwide news, but Wood insisted on getting his leg back, and in November, a judge ruled In his favor. -- 20-Fe- -- n g m vjvji-j.GCJnrblue-co- |