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Show - Sunday, April 6, 2008 mm 11 It I I l I 1L ii II NV ILJVJ'Jl DAILY HERALD TODAY IN HISTORY J L-4 Ten years ago: The Dow Jones industrial average Robert E. Peary, Matthew closed above 9,000 points for A. Henson and four Inuits became the first men to reach the first time. Energy Secrethe North Pole. (The claim, tary Federico Pena announced his resignatioa Country disputed by skeptics, was upheld in 1989 by the Navigation singer Tammy Wynette died at her Nashville, Tena, home Foundatioa) On this date: at age 55. Five years ago: U.S. forces , In 1830, the Church of Jesus encircled and began flying Saints Christ of Latter-Da- y into Baghdad's international was organized by Joseph Smith in Fayette, N.Y. airport. British forces in the In 1858, President Buchanan south made their deepest push into Basra, Iraq'Ssecond-larg-estcitissued a proclamation declaring Mormons in the Utah sailors British One a in state of be to ago: year Territory rebellion against the U.S. gov and marines newly freed by Iran said they were blindernment. In 1862, the Civil War Battle folded, isolated in cold stone cells and tricked into fearing of Shiloh began in Tennesexecution while being coerced see as Confederate forces into falsely saying they had launched a surprjse attack entered Iranian waters. A Union who troops, against suicide bomber smashed a beat back the Conf ederates ' truck loaded with TNT and the next day. toxic chlorine gas into a police In 1896, the first modern checkpoint in Ramadi, Iraq, Olympic games formally killing 27 people. opened in Athens, Greece. In 1917, Congress approved Today's Birthdays: Nobel scientist James a declaration of war against Watson is 80. Composer-conducto- r Germany. Andre Previn is 79. In 1954, after being criticized by Edward R. Murrow Country singer Merle Hagon CBS' "See It Now," Sea gard is 71. Actor Billy Dee Joseph McCarthy delivered a Williams is 71. Actor Roy Thinnes is 70. Movie director filmed response in which he Barry Levinson is 66. Accharged that Murrow had in tor John Ratzenberger is 61. the past "engaged in propaganda for Communist causes." .'Actress Marilu Henner is 56. In 1963, the United States Olympic bronze medal figure sell skater Janet Lynn is 55. Actor to an agreement signed Michael Rooker is 53. Rock the Polaris missile system to n Frank Black Britaia is 43. Author Vince Fhhn is In 1965. the United States 42. Actress Ari Meyers is 39. launched the Intelsat I, also Actor Paul Rudd is 39. known as the "Early Bird" Jason Hervey is communications satellite, into 36. Rock musician Markku orbit. Lappalainen (Hoobastank) is In1988,TirzaPorat,a 35. Actor Zach Braff is 33. AcIsraeli girL was tress Candace Cameron is 32. killed in a West Bank meActor Bret Harrison is 26. lee. (Although Arabs were Thought for Today. "After initially blamed, the army concluded Tirza had been ac- the age of 80, everything reminds you of something else." cidentally shot by a Jewish Lowell Thomas, American settler.) author and broadcaster (born In 1994, the presidents of this day in 1892, died'in 1981). Rwanda and Burundi were killed in a mysterious plane The Associated Press crash near Rwanda's capital; Eamdry tip s for guys Household Hint for Guys is his wife will find out, which based on a story from the could result in "a nuclear war ' i of underpants purchases." Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, sent in by many alert readThis leads us to a related fas oday we present: Laundry Tips for Guys. laundry tip for guys, sent in by ers, about an incident several a Wisconsin woman who asks years ago in Chippewa Falls, Many guys have trouble Wis. What happened was, that we identify her only as , with laundry, because of the ' Alice. Alice states that her hus- a man became angry at his technicaTcomplexity involved. Even a very "high-tech- " band, Bob, came home one day washing machine, which guy, a guy who can build a workcomplaining that he lost his of- wasn't working right. Folfice keys and had been looking lowing the recommended ing nuclear submarine using for them all day. procedure in the Guy Book of pnly staples, $ reluctant to .0 "While standing in the do laundry, because Troubleshooting, he pushed it down a flight of stairs. Inkitchen telling me his probare so many variables: u there You have your lights and your lem," Alice relates, "he started credibly, this did not solve the darks, of course, but you also problem. So he shot the washscratching his posterior and have your stripes, some of finally noticed something was er five times with a in there. Now bear in mind he revolver. which could be delicates, or .eYenhand-washableWe know what you're thinknot to normal dimensions, but is now had been sitting at his desk all , mention your bleach and your suitable only as a sun hat for a afternoon and drove an hour to ing. You're thinking: "What a MORON! Bullets that small are d , fabric softener, and of course small, squirreL get home and is first noticing 1 all your washerdryer options: this now." This is why guys everyonly going to annoy a major Do you want warm wash : where will be grateful for an So, reports Alice, Bob felt appliance, possibly causing it to go berserk and threaten inaround inside his underpants, and cold rinse? Hot wash and excellent laundry tip Sent in nocent people!" We ourselves ' and guess what he found? warm rinse? Wet rinse and dry by Bob Rundquist of Northd have seen a washing machine, Bob's wash? And what about "static hampton, Mass. Correct: A small, tip can with no provocation, shake its be summarized in three words: squirreL cling"?' This is why laundry has baf-- , "Buy more underpants." No, he found his office keys. way violently halfway across a room. fled top guy minds for decades. "He's a government employAs Bob explains in his letter: "My wife and I share Albert Einstein was working ee," observes Alice. Fortunately, the Chippewa Falls washer did not attack. So our second Household on this problem right up until housework on a random basis. The man was arrested and his death. His last words were: For instance, sometimes she Hint for Guys is: Before you ended up on probation after does laundry, sometimes I . put your underpants into the "OK, say a shirt is yellow, do. I figured out that laundry which is a LIGHT color, but pleading guilty to shooting laundry for somebody else a gun within 100 yards of a to launder, it's a good idea to it's a DARK yellow, does that gets done when one of us is out of underwear. So I bought check them, as well as your mean ... ack" (thud). building. So our third laundry six new pairs of underpants: It is this technical complegeneral buttular region, for "... tip for guys is: Before shooting out runs never Now laziness! stack that your washer, always check any items you may have mismy keeps xitynot around for buildings! placed. Especially you governguys from doing the household before my wife does the launcould be There you have it, guys! This ment if that We we employees! dry." laundry. worry what has happened to all those Good hick, and good launder-in?- ! Somewhere in Physicist get just one variable wrong, millions of missing taxpayer we will find ourselves facHeaven, Albert Einstein is dollars that have somehow ' V NOTE TO GOVERNMENT smacking himself on the foreing a wrathful spouse, who EMPLOYEES: You can keep fallen through the cracks! head! is holding up a garment that those dollars. Our third laundry-relate- d was once a valued brassiere of ; Bob's only concern is that (This column was originally published Aug. 11, 2002.) y. Dave Barry Prize-winni- two-heade- two-heade- singer-musicia- Actor-p- roducer . II rish Paul Walker's production of I "Ladiesrun& Gents" opened for in New York a March . 29 blocks north of Broadway in a public restroom. Accord- - ing to an Associated Press report, the entire play takes place among the porcelain in a bathroom in Central Park, portraying "the seedy underside of 1950s Dublin," with the audience of 25 standing beside ... rows of stalls, near "spiders, 'X foul ddors and puddles of (Juestionable origin." Walker , proudly admits that he wanted to take the a6dience "out of fireir comfort zone" to create "4 different energy." Actor John OtMaghan recalled that v rehearsals were especially dif-- r ficult: "One man actually came in and had a pee right in front ' : of us." . , blush-producin- . Cultural diversity " l 'III 4': I In October, the govern-- ; 'ment of Singapore, anxious abou the city's declining birth ratej, began teaching its high school polytechnic students in formal courses on how to flirt. SaidisabeL 18: "My teacher my $ said tffora guy looks into more than five sec- - r J eyes ' J ondsi it could mean that he is X attr acted to me, and I stand a J charice according to a March f Reutdrs' dispatch. Thecourse J includes Tlove song analysis" , " . society, a person cannof send someone a severed cow's using contemporary dialogue, head ..." (2) In December, SisNew a to February according ter Kathy Avery of St. Clare of York Times review. In one example, Akinsiku (who hopes Montef alco Catholic School in Grosse Pointe Park, Mich., held someday to become an Angliall fifth-- through eighth-grader- s can priest) has Noah taking after class in the school's census on the Ark: "That's 11,344 animals? Aargh! IVe lost chapel so she could inform count again. I'm going to have 'them of the new rules against to start from scratch!" cussing. According to the kids, I Duquesne University and Avery held nothing back: She recited a list of the actuaL Boston College recently crewords and ated professional courses in was she talking about. financial and personnel manphrases Said Avery afterward, "It got agement for churches (and a little quiet in church." . Villanova University even l"Look,itisnobigcleal," established a special master's Christopher Wilkins told the degree), thus recognizing that Fort Worth, Texas, jury trying frauds by greedy priests and to decide in March whether sexual abuse by errant clergy to send him to death row or cannot be resolved simply life in prisoa "I'm as undeby churches' demanding that cided about that as you are." their leaders behave. Lax Wilkins even belittled his own U.S. churches have lost tens of millions of dollars to emlawyers for bringing his family in to beg the jury for mercy: bezzlement and sexual-abus- e Villanova a said "They my lawyers sprung lawsuits, but, that charade on me," he told officiaL "If church officials were better trained in manage- the jury. When his lawyers ment, a lot c problems ... could suggested that his muraers but were not have been avgjded." of result the use, were victims recent drug the I Among Wilkins said, "I wouldn't put of internal religious strife in BeMalaysia was Kamariah AIL 57, too much weight on that." who king ago renounced Islam fore leaving the witness stand, Wilkins complimented the and started worshipping a "sacred teapot" she prosecutor ("You're doing a fine job") and added, "I haven't hadbuilt for her Sky Kingdom cult (emphasizing the "purity of been any good to anybody for I water"). She was sentenced to the last 20 years, and won't be for the next 20 or the 20 jail as a failed Muslim in 2005, after that." (The jury chose the and the teapot destroyed, and death penalty.) court another in March 2008, found that she had been insuf-. Sounds familiar ficiently rehabilitated and or-- City . by Chuck Shepherd cal philosophy as action scenes director-playwrig- . HOROSCOPE in Tyler, Texarttook Christopher McCuin, 2. into custody on suspicion of killing and eating parts of his girlfriend (an ear was found on the stove), People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sent the sheriff a fax demanding that McCuin receive only a vegetarian diet, suggesting that too had already much meat-eatin- g occurred in the case. EUGENIA LAST. SUNDAY, criminals I Krystal Evans, 26, and Denise McClure, 24, rifled through packages on a DHL delivery truck in December in Crescent City, Calif., looking for their urine samples headed for the lab because they were certain theirs would test positive, which would have meant their return to jaiL The driver summoned police, and the women were arrested for destroying evidence and violating their probation and in March were convicted and could face two years in prisoa Evans's original sample turned out to be clean, after aU, but during the December arrest, she tested positive for metham-phetamin- . nt Utah County's 1 source of local news ( 23-O- ct than bending to someone else's demands. 3 stars SCORPIO (Oct 21): Take aggressive action and you will reach your goals. Physical activities will inspire you to take on more. Keep your eyes open for anyone who may try to block you. Separate your emotions from what needs to be done. 3 stars v. ARIES (March 21 -- April 19): You can move into a power position but do oo graciously. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. If you brag or let your suc21): With a couple of simple cesses go to yc head, you will not accomoJih as much changes you can make your as you should. Fmblems while surroundings comfortable and inspirationaL Consider worktraveling are likely. 3, stars TAURUS (April ing from home or starting a home-base- d business. Making You may want to interact a little extra on the side will with others but expect to face opposition if you do. Not come in handy. 3 stars CAPRICORN (Dec everyone will agree with you 19): Slow down before you and you could make matters worse by revealing too much do some damage you can't reverse. Someone may be out regarding your positioa Do to make your life miserable. If 3 . things quietly by yourself stars you have secrets, don't reveal them. It won't take much for GEMINI (May 21 June 20): someone to spill the beans and You can gain ground by takin is Love actioa get you in trouble. 2 stars your ing AQUARIUS (Jan. corner and getting involved in 18): A new idea will spark something you believe in will lead to meeting some spectac- renewed enthusiasm in someular people. Don't let someone thing you wanted to do a long time ago. The future looks you are close to burden you with his or her responsibilities. bright and, as long as you follow through and do the work 4 stdrs CANCER (June 21 July 22): yourself, you will be in control and have no regrets. 4 stars You can expect to be critiPISCES (Feb. 20): , cized if you are complaining You may feel like jumping about your life, your job, from one thing to another but, your world. Instead of being before you do, consider how it all doom and gloom, choose will make you look. You want to make a difference. If you to give the impression that don't like something, change it. 2 stars you are stable and secure, not LEO (July 22): You unpredictable or unreasonable. Accomplish something that can win any challenge that shows talent. 3 stars comes your way. Travel, Birthday Baby: You are agcommunication and doing gressive, determined and hard things you enjoy should all working. You are a strong be penciled ia But don't take competitor and dont give up chances when it comes to - injury is or give in to anyone or anyencounters physical in the picture if you are carething. You are colorful and less. 5 stars outgoing. 22-D- 22-Ja- n. e. Adventures in democracy l LIBRA (Sept 22): ' You'll get all worked up if you let someone push you. Say no if you don't want to participate in something. A creative outlet will do more for you 42 ll " -- 20-Fe- ' -- g. VIRGO (Aug. 22): Put 23-Se- Eugenia's Web sites: astroadvice.com for fun, eugenialast.com for confidential consultations time aside to do the things you enjoy or to put your house in order. This is the wrong time to spend money or do costly The difference between a hobby and a Business could Where else would you advertise? US! Think about It. Your odvtrtlslna EDITORIAL 3 r www.heraldextra.com 6, 2008 day. 3 stars Happy Birthday: Don't let your emotions get the better of you this year. If you act on your impulses and not on facts, you will have to do a lot of explaining. Travel for business will pay off as long as you stick to work. Anger will get you nowhere but conservative action will lock you into something good. Your numbers are 6, 17, 20, 35, 37, Least competent APRIL renovations. It's a great time to pamper yourself. Keep things simple and enjoy the CELEBRITIES BORN ON THIS DAY: Candace Cameron, 32; Zach Braff, 33; Marilu Henner, 56; John Ratzenberger, 61 I (1) In January, the parents of Carroll County (Md.) Board of Education candidate Draper 2 fc Officials in the Shivpuri Phelps, 28, obtained a protecIndia's Madhya Jjdistric of order against stay-awa- y tive J Pradelbstate, needing a promtheir son, marking the third the toslow deredherbacktojafl. isjng irbgram I (1) Like a Paul Simon song: consecutive year they felt they birth cpuntiys needed one. (Phelps lost in the Anthony Raspolic reported The continuing crisis 'J rate, announced in March break-i- n hours wee in the a February primary.) (2) In FebJ that fnenj whtf volunteer for in 1 his in Jan. of ruary, at a polling place in Chiapartment I Registered sex offender. J vasotomies; will be rewarded cago's 42nd Ward (according Durant, Okla. He told police Jason Lee. 28. was arrested witji certificates that speed a Chicago Tribune report), his to with in bed girlwas he that and in Cincinnati in February J thefti tbrovigh the ordinarily one election judge (a woman left the and but counts several up friend, got with line slow (o obtain gun permits, charged in her 30s) was charged with time he reS$d tin administrator, the loss, of deception for his seemingly room, and by the had taken his batterv for Dunchine another acts of posting turned, someone through vasectomyof a "per-- l benevolent woman in her bond for two female strangers place. (The man scurried out of election judge (a dbived notion of manliness" Brian Sliter, face. in the (3) wallet 50s) I- "with a bigger who had been arrested. Later, the bed, stole Raspolic's fiw d beffset in March his announced his 42, Ford in fled and he had Explorer.) to 1 manliness." according police, 6ym of Wilm-e- r, demanded sex and drugs from (2) Like a Jennifer Beals movie: candidacy for mayor Texas, notwithstanding his the women as payback, and a The Associated Press profiled :Latest religious arrest (resulting in proba2004 Alexandra Harrill, Cincinnati's prosecutor said Lee had trolled messages tion) for trying to arrange a 19, in January, fascinated that for names of arrested women on the Web site of the Clerk of she is a would-b- e ballerina sav- tryst with an underage girL I Ajinbayo Akinsiku's heavCourt. the ing up for lessons by working of the ily abridged version Visit Chucfe Shepherd daily as a welder, just like the 1983 I Judgments: Questionable in the graphic Japanese Bible, at http:NewsoftheWeird. character Alex Flashdance sentenced was Fife Jason (1) was recently "manga" style, blogspot.com or www. Owens. to probation and community published in the United States, NewsoftheWeird.com. service after harassing his with the goal of making JeSend your Weird News'to News that sounds estranged wife's boyfriend sus more "accessible" to a WeirdNewsTipsyahoo.com with a special package delivlike a joke younger, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa, or now his said illustratiolawyer, ery. Fife, generation. Quirky, 33679. FL after police In civilized I January just understands that in a n-rich manga presents bibli religion-indiffere- dowa Today i Highlight in History: On April 6, 1 909, explorers 1-L- WARNlkb: SOME MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE News of the Weird widespread violence and killings erupted in Rwanda over claims the plane had been shot Today is Sunday, April 6, the 97th day of 2008. There are 269 days left in the year. wvwi;:;!i;xtra,com con nrnwtj mort than 92,000 raadart Sunday in th Dally Herald. t- nadi I ivry fl)uH L I. V I J t i J i A - t y . |