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Show FUNNY LIEE'S IS SHEAE NONSENSE. thst Trotaeb, PratMtlon SIDE, Brovjfciston Yes, sir. My houro tiaa been fobbed three times, and I ; Mve right in the middle of the city, too, FUNNIOSITIES PERPETRATED BY WIT. HUMOR AND SATIRE FOR with a policeman at every corner. I THE HUMORISTS. LEAN FOLK. should think you'd be scared half to death living1 as you do, way off In the Jokes, Good, Bad and Indifferent "Th9 TaAj of My Heart" Science tn country. Mr. Suburb My house is never inter-ferre- d If Yon Can't Laugh at Any of Chicago One of the Weakneiies of with. There hasn't been a burglar These, It Would Be Advisable for You to Consult Your Doctor. High Society Flotsam and Jetsam in our section for years. "Eh? Have there?" Tide. you policemen from the "No. Nothing but guns." An Interrupted Explanation. MY SMILE Apropos oft the peculiarly American The Retort Courteous. sweetest, when tendency to explain things," he was "Weary Walker Say, mister, gimme a saying, "there occurs to my mind the by chance find I myself dime. sometimes made to account beneath her Dignified Wayfarer Give you a dime! attempt for the derivation of the compound I think you are more in need of manners word Welsh-rabbit. glance, I regret to notice than money. , , into the common Webster falls that I speak in chosWeary Walker Well, I struck yer fer rror of considering the word rabbit en voice and what I t'oug-hye hed most uv." Har- a corruption of rare bit. Now, as Bazar. per's phrase, shown by lexicographers who have And lose no time to had the advantage of a technical acspeak her praise. Wooed an' Married and A. quaintance with tacts relating to the Mrs. Gadd Oh, have you heard the origin of the word, Welsh-rabbis news? Miss De Ledger and her father's merely a slang term and not a corIf service 1 can render her book-keepwere secretly married six ruption at all. It never was anything I'll not delay nor yet demur. months ago. and in its genesis but Welsh-rabbi- t, Mrs. Gabb Dearie me! How did it it I hang upon her 'lightest word, a was by essentially slang term, yetlanAs though 'twere wisdom newly heard. leak out? in the habitude reason of its long Mrs. Gadd Some one overheard them lost or outgrown what has it guage Her gowns I note in compliment. quarreling. be called the coarseness of its might And flatter to her heart's content. now entitled to a place is and origin, Another New Industry. In the accepted vocabulary without With pretty speech my head is stored Visitor (at blind asylum) I thought or fanciful explanation. two board. weeks' any her for I'm owing this institution was for both sexes, but In apology I may cite other exof this proof I see only men here. Have you no feamples, notably " No Escape. male inmates? "Wendell," interrupted the mother Matron Oh, plenty . of them; but Mrs. Getthere (enthusiastic worker of the little Boston boy, "you weary church fair) Now, Mr. Slimpurse, they've all been rented out for ladv with your chatter. Run out the you really must take a chance in thlB now and play a while." Chicago beautiful pipe; you. really must. Just New York's Reputation. think, the pipe is. worth $20, and the Mr. Gotham No, I never have a parchances are only;- $1 each. Experlentia Dooit. Mr. Slimpurse (edging off) VeryA ticle of fear on the ocean. Don't you sorry, madame, but I don't smoke. rknow, sir, that one is safer on a trans Mrs. Getthere Oh, but you can learn, atlantic flyer than on a city street? Mr. Lakaside (of Chicago) Humph I you know. Mr. Slimpurse Tobacco does not Well, to tell the truth, I believe if I would have no had to choose between an ocean steamagree with me. er and a New York street, I'd do as earthly use for a pipe. Mrs. Getthere (struck with a bright you say take the steamer. Idea) Well, there isn't the slightest probability of your drawing it, you In Chicago. . Mi t Why, it's about time to find a husband for her, and I would suggest. 0ur Stockraisefs' jCo'amii.' John, that you say nothing about her W. the fact that she gymnasium work! wm CODlJHue iln each nambu Ito T, on center rush played branda jthe seminary under lyearly contract at publish II: football team. I have noticed tha. nominal price. ThePioneer The advantage to the 'stockralser of tmO. that has a tendency to discourage the public vritbj jhfs brand and mark larlzlntr young men." Chicago Evening Post. are to well known to need jattentioa. It U t tae Btockman as yaluable, at an advertliemeat A Puzzler, i u k vug raercnanc. In Maine a number of years age lived a couple; the wife a good woman Of Deseret, but not very brilliant In intellect.; The husband had been very intemperate, Has removed to his new shop just north had reformed, although at times his . RANGE i appearance rather suggested that the of the river bridge, where he reformation was not a complete one. Lower Seyier and Sink of Beaver. One day the worthy woman called will do all kinds of f Address: upon a neighbor and during the conversation anxiously asked her "If she 1 actaitMM ani Wagon BepaMni Oasis, r Utah. could tell her how long the odor of t At Bottom Prices for Pay Down. i liquor remained after a man left off Will be pleased to see all old and mw esa drinking, for her husband signed the " J rTf pledge two years before and still his tomera fan 19 'Square cron anal breath smelled of liquor," Life. J lilt. S. , i : -- know. . '" . TJncle George So you've been to Wnat did you school, eh, Tommy? learn? Tommy I learnt to put a copy-boo- k in the seat of my knickerbockers. Above the Horizon. "There she is." The speaker, a tall bronzed man In the sixties, leaned forward in his saddle as he spoke, and pointed out to his companion a vague and indistinct object that had loomed up in the edge of the distant horizon. The vast prairie, like a restless and troubled sea, rose and fell away from them on all sides, and save for the peculiar object that had just dawned on tEeir vision there was nothing else visible to the eyes of the father and son, except the vast dome of the sky overhead, necked by the moving panorama of fleecy clouds. Months before the daughter, who was the pride and solace of the old man's life, had gone East on a visit, the father and son had and y ridden out on the prairie in hopes that catch a first they might in advance form they both loved glimpse of the so well. Ten minutes, then twenty, then man thirty passed by, and the old at the gazed with, kindling eyes to the that now, plain prairie wagotr view, was slowly drawing nearer. But this was not what had first claimed their attention, and as father and son put spurs to their horses the old man turned to the younger, his eyes glad with the light of expectation and impatience, as he exclaimed: "I knew her at once, Jim, even before the prairie wagon came in sight. What a lucky thing it was that I wrote her to be sure to wear her matinee hat!" Harper's Bazar. Romance. phan girl?" The faint tremulousness of her voice touchedhis heart. "Could I?" He raised his head up and his eyes Mrs. Lakeside (the hostess) So nice flashed. of you to come! The celebrated Herr "Well, try me a few!" Prof. the lion of the hour, is She did, and they lived happy to- here! Zweibach, gether ever after, no cloud marring the Miss Bleeker (of 2vew York) Strange. bright skies of their love. never heard of him. I He had no female relatives living, Mrs. Lakeside (in astonishment) either. Never heard of him? Why, he is the scientist vho discovered the bacillus of divorce! on Checks. Signatures on Is that your signature Lawyer the back of this check? At Last. Merchant I don't know, sir. It may to be In favor of the Gillflower I used be. I've but tax, single changed my mind Does It look like your signature? it. about Not a particle. Mrs. Armsby Oh, but this is so Doesn't It bear the least resemblance to your signature? Kot the least. Accounted For. Tteea why do you think it may be Herdso Why are all the appointrow signature? Tell me that. or ments printed "vice Sullivan, I might have written it with a bank O'Rourke, resigned? pen. Saidso I guess those "vice" fellows are the Tammany men. New York She Did Not Mean It. World. A couple of neighboring women on Cherry street quarreled recently and abused each other over their respective Afraid of the Microbes. porches. At last one of the women reHamley Bacon Why don't you go to torted hotly: work and earn money? You're afraid "You must think I am a fool!" of your health, I suppose? "I think you are next door to one," Weary Lawson (the tramp) Yer dead came the Incautious reply."Free Press. right, stranger. I read in de paper 'bout dose microbes in money. In High Society. New Blood. The Old Man Was Canny. Cross What does Sellers mean by adA Durham miner, aged seventy-threvisited a Newcastle vertising "New blood in the business?" (a Blackwell Why didn't you hear? He's bachelor) for the purpose oflawyer making taken his wife's rich old grandfather his will. The old man's property conInto the firm. sisted of two small cottages, which had cost him $1.50, and a little furnito-da- - e, His TIews. Teacher What is the School Sunday one thing, my children, that we are commanded to do on Sunday? Little New York Boy Go in the side , - door. Current Notes. The new woman seems to be pushing; man around to the bread tray. News. What is there besides luck that amounts to anything in cards? A good deal. Texas Sif tings. Castleton Is it true that Miss Wlber-l- y referred to me as ah agnostic TClub-berl- y any-thin-g. She said you didn't know ' Life. You "O, doctor, how do you do? "Thank you, look killing this evening.' but rm not; I'm off duty, you know." Brooklyn Life. She Tell me; when you were in the army were you cool in the hour of danger? He Cool? I actually shivered. Boston Transcript. Horse Editor of the Bugle Wnat was Poetry? that last manuscript, John? Snake Editor Nawl It was an ode to spring. New York '.Herald. "There's "Bless him," she mused. none of the new man nonsense about him." With a tender smile she watohed her: husband as he sang the children asleep. Detroit Tribune. use your teleDismal Dawson Kin I Merchant It won't mlnnit? a phone work. Dismal Dawson So? Have you me shakin' hands with any objection to Tribune. it? Cincinnata husband) I Wife (to unhappy do any doesn't it John; wouldn't worry, BorHusband trouble. to borrow good row trouble 7 Great Caesar, my dear, I trouble; I've got it to ain't borrowing Sun. lend. Colorado "You see, professor. It's like this; I when I'm can speak oh, beautifully as soon I before as get Just but alone, a lot of people my nerves leave me. What ought I to do?" "Take lessons of a sewing machine agent." New York Recorder. Gal-rest- ? - Debutane-l- n order to attract aost attention In an opera box the what ort of a pose would you suggest T Mrs, Gotthere Oh, the pose doesn't ount bo much. It' the expose that will make your fame. : One of Hit Minor Miseries. Hold up your hands!" sternly j t oom-toand- ed the Til throw footpad. up one of them," said the man, suiting the action to eour-looki- ng tUt's T ffood believe T Too Personal, sVinnM WXra i r ' v Greateets. always supposed," said Mrs. Hash- - rcft, "that tuff ed. xh3 it Sounfl Whisky? j for rheumatism?" wter 1 4ia'" remarked Mr. jou would want 1 j j to be j was that she lost a boarder. ko VJU11 the same. Itouader A fellow must sow his wild you know. t j word. Tf you want the other one youH have to raise it yourself , X . Say do you know of anything V Sender Yes, but you're doins bit planting rye. ' j noth- - gold-heade- j ieane. d He did not expect to see' it again, but a tramp brought 'it to him saying he had found it. "You are an honest man," exclaimed Fake, "and, as a reward for your honesty you may keep the cane.! Tha cane itself is not worth much, but you can sell the gold head to some jeweler." "No, you can't," replied the tfamp,. "I've tried that already; and it won't work. ' J on Heafliuarters Sir MINM HEH. At the Union Cluh. De Potts (reading) I see there's a lively gale blowing off Boston just now. Thirsty Pratt (waking suddenly) s' Thasho? Send Misher Gale a privilege and tell him (hie) to come right on. He's washting hish good dust on that town, s'elp me Gaw! City and county Newspapers from all parti of Utah. Ore specimens from Detroit and cLk- where. Erery thing RESPECTABLE. Good Upper alit in right, under silt in left ear. Range: Cricket i Address, i ! I Ii I - ttt ,,,,,,,,, Address, Horned t .... brand i I . j, Houee Mountains and Lower teTier. J i . . . : Oasis, Utah. at- Stock, on thigh. rlg-h- RANGE: Lower Sevier. Address, ffL i.vS. 1 peseret, Utah. hi OiersonBrei ; Breeders a4 dealers in Short horn Durh&ma. 1: - red-face- Atlanta Constitution. FRANK Not Improbable WHITEHEAD, Manufacturer of Diggles I tell you, gold is getting mighty scarce here in America. Boots & Shoes Miggles Yes. We'll soon have, to begin melting up our Keeley graduWW also do repairing of the above ates to buy foreign noblemen with, articles on short notice. b' ged! The Cautions Old Maid. PRODUCE TAKEN IN EXCHANGE Cora She seemed utterly surprised when he proposed to her. A woman SHOP, Opp. HINCKLEY should control herself better. Marjorie You must recollect, my dear, she is thirty and that it was April fool day. Harness, norses Boot on tlie Other Lear. Henriette Why are you so downcast? Florence Wbo wouldn't be when to one expects one's father-in-lacome and live with one for six moDths? Our mothers would never do that. GENERAL MERCHANDISE ,5 .linn Serier t1ts and' monntalna. p.. between Mills' station Onltbe $J. P. Ry and Leam ington. Address, Leamingtouj, Millard Co., Utaa, Parley Mired same Horses brand on left thigh. Cattle-cl- ose crop in left and slit in right ear. Range, Sevier. Lower .Des Address. cCd eret, Utah. B JoslaH SmitH Until recently es I branded -leftSlitribs. in left ear. l w '"''ruf l'K?"7t,l slde of Deep Creek mountainfB, vllle, Millard county. U tan. AND PRODUCE same brand an left thigh. Upper slope in each ear. Ran re CO-O- K Range, Nortk end of Snake Valley and east side of Snake Mts. ; also aoata Aaaresa, snuta w A Counter-irritan- t. "John, dear, we must take up some kind of reform this year. Now, if I take up dress reform, what will you take?" "Chloroform." Life , The Modern Ctrl. "John," she said, thoughtfully, Tot course it is well to be proud of your daughter's success at the seminary, but but" "But what my dear?" he asked. "Well, it seems to me that you are a trifle thoughtless at times. "I don't quite understand you, he said. "It's all right to speak of her standing: In her class," she explained, "and It is all right to b3 proud of her social accomplishments. Talk of her taste If you wish to, her cooking and her singing lessons, her vivacity, her, knowledge of modern languages and her sunny disposition, butbut" "Well, what Is it? Where hare I bade any mistake?" rangeI i ;r i mBiDDs -- HUFF PS Av-,- m. same T SiitH t ') n Hdrse Grower and Dealer, r just east of the Cash Store. "Come, sinner, halt and hesitate no longer," shouted the great exhorter. Is still to the- front with seasonable merchandise at bottom prices, for cash. "Seek the straight and narrow path." 11' walk OASIS. mine feller UTAH. "Howsh go' jag narrow pash?" indignantly demanded d man in the back seat. the ture. Bad Break. The lawyer having asked his client Jess It's all over between Jack and how he wished to dispose of his property, the latter replied: "Ma old wom- me; he kissed me on my birthday. Bess And you got mad about that? an hes to hev all se long as she's my Jess I guess you would; he gave xn wlddow. Efter that ma bairns gets all." something over forty. "What age is your old woman?" She Knew Them. asked the lawyer. "Seventy-two,- " the miner. replied "And how long have you and your wife been married?" asked the lawyer. "Over fifty years," replied the miner. Thereupon the lawyer suggested to his client that he should give the wife the interest during her life, whether she continued a; widow or otherwise. "Hinney, aa winnot; aa'll hev ma aan way," said the miner. "But surely," replied the lawyer, your old woman, "you don't expect now seventy-tw- o years old, would marry again atter your death?" The miner looking the lawyer full in the face for a moment with much solemnity: "Wey, hinney, thor'a nae fcnaanlng wflat young cheps like yourself will de for money." Pearson' Weekly. Deseret, Utah it1 '. V HOES was? Deseret, Utah. 1 jL AT THE mm CASH kip of cattle. Range Willow Springa. Addresa, STORE. ! r. J. at bottom prices for Goods JIIO. DEWSHUP, MGR. - - - Iaura What would you do if you were in my place? I made George this smoking Jacket all myself, and he does not seem to like it a bit. Sophie Tell him you've exchanged it for some pots of flowers. . Discovered. Bell Boy That man in No. 44 is a Congressman. Clerk How do you know? Boy He ordered a glass of seltzer and a siphon of whisky. An Alibi. 0 Ton left ttdgb; Rouble DESEUET. iwsllew fork in left ear. flange, Lower vier. Addreae Rubber Stamps, Branding Irons. S. Twenty-fift- h St., Ogden, Utaa. Manufacturer of Rubber and Metal Stamp,ala of Notarial and other Seals, Badges, Stencils, sale Check Branding Irons, etc. Also has for ana is agent KumDenne etc., Machines, rtnenei, Colambla Blcy cies. for do. Utm Agent for Henrin IT. Se- Chris. TuOipsti asu, juuara ua Utaa. Iknf J. GRIFFIN, ; -- VfeiWork. S. Oi nail-Marvin t Si ppv! . ' Boi Steel SALT LAKE. MGoifiliissM orcflas -- FHU Dealer i e W. Q . M STEWARD, orncci W. 2nd, South, SALT LAKCOITY P. O. BOX Prosecuting Attorney Hare jvn any suspicion that Mr. McCarthy waa Hand Sample . in collusion with the prisoner? Iron Assay Witness I know he wasn't. He was Copper Assay in. Harlem all the time. Bottle Samples - . ......... ....... . Sims Walker Addresa, iak CSty, Utaa. Ik- - KgSV Poultry, Game, Veal Pork an Beef .Smoked and Fresh Tlak, Flour, Hay and Grain. ; v A will pay you to ship your good to bs. I caarg-- 10 per eent. for haadlin and remit as aooa as roods are sold. Can give firsUclass ooonU? references if desired. 68 ear. RANGE lOiak Creek. 1 ITS, VEGETABLES, BUTTER, .$1.00 . 1.00 . 1.00 3. CO Mark, ant and two elite right i In eft ear. 8aia en lelt 'brand shoulder onkorsee P. N. Pstersea, Addresa Oasis) Utah, Range, Law er Serler. 1 Same left on Horses. thlga Upper slope amd one nnder silt ha left ear, and tw nnder slits In right MARTIN, ; t Keaniej, Ifisk Springe, Juab County. spot cash. East Main Street, on left tMgk( eme brand on left . . 3 t in left ear. j Range : Criekef Mountains as Lower Sevier. mmma OOTS AND OHOES DOTS AND H0ES M. - fnr-r- Under slit la and repairing of MRS r rlgrht, under slit man-ufactur- Personal Remark. 1 Jos Dewsnnp Whose name should be familiar to every one in this locality that wean, e boots or shoes, has opened for the Shop Criekel an1 Am. (I Mountains and Lower Sevier. Address, Sh-- n JOHN B CONK, OOTS AND na WeiK Ma OASIS, UTAH. Contiguous to Railway Station. fare. Rates reasonable. 1 Utah. Deserei, it ' P two-week- -- - - Address, HUFF HOTEL, Natural Inference. Ransre: : XTin n t. Jno Dewsnnp A Flowiae Well of The Tables Turned. "Henry," said Mrs. Meekins, as she THE PUREST WATER ON EARTH. put the finishing touches to her toilet On tha Premises. This Water is a GUAIl ANTEED CUIUS for all preparatory to a bicycle ride, "I dislike to hurt your feelings." Diseases of the Kidneys and Bladder "Do you, my dear?" 'Certainly, but I can't wear the neckties that you bought for me. They Testimonials on Application. MRS. J. F., GIBBS, Prop. are simply outrageous; combinations of color. There is one thing that a UTAH. man should never undertake, and that DESERET, is to select his wife's cravats and suspenders." Washington Star. A riai utiaer ills in left ear. yv. THE DESERET HOUSE. i Bazaar The merchant prince knelt at her feet. "And could you really love a poor or- . Mr. Fake lost his in right, dlso-- .lit In Hard Lnck. s, Photographer Tes, sir. Mr. Grumps Well, this Is Mrs. know. I want Qrumps, my wife, you her picture taken. But are Photographer Certainly. you particular about having it instantaneous, Mr. Grumps Of course. When you get things ready, tell her to look pleasant, and then snap off the machine before the expression fades away. You've gotter be quicker'n lightning. i I "Oh, look!" exclaimed Mrs. Sassa-frasof Hemlock Corners, as she and her husband go zed for the first time on a bearded lady at the dime museum. " 'Sh, Lindy! Don't speak so loud," "Mebbe that's one of the emancipated women we've read about." Harper's process? -- BLACKSMITH ;; 'i A Wanted a Pleasant Expression. Mr. Grumps Good morning. Do you take pictures by the instantaneous i - it er WESTERN, J F GIBBS, Notary and Conveyanoor Deeds and Mortgage made out an4 signatures .acknowledged; affidavits and depositions taken;!) mining deeds and business a specialty. PROMPT ATTENTION. j OSoe with MILLAKdcO. BLAD12, Enl&or "Stamps, s. BrandJns Iron,, IN, St,, Oden, Utah, Jfannfaeturer of Rabter aii Metal StaniM ai Twenty-flft- h |
