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Show THURSDAY, MARCH THE DAILY UTAH CHRONICLE 22, 2001 Get tfte Man Some Men; Shoes Women Netters to Resume MWC Ske At any rate, that's the excuse I always use. Take the basketball game I played in earlier this month. Sure, I'll grant you that I've got all the agility and stamina ERIC WALDEN of Rick Majerus on tranquilizers, and it probably didn't help that I hadn't set foot on a court in at least a year or done any exercise since the last high school gym class I Chronicle Sports Editor While the general public is apparently content to assume that his troubles stem from being mentally unstable enough to believe that spending money on Clippers' season tickets is a good buy, I attribute Chuck Knoblauch's inexplicable wildness to something else entirely. You see, I was not content to settle for the pat answer g that having the carnivorous, horde more commonly known as the New York media critique his every misguided throw to first got him to the point that he could no longer perform a mundane routine tabloid news. without worrying it would be front-pag- e No, I searched for the deeper meaning, the truer explanation, the one that goes beyond the mere armchair hypothesizing and actually entails some meaningful, logical analysis. I had to go all the way back to the mid-'8the era was the when overproduced, synthesizer-heav- y Britpop and airwaves on the "New Coke" was coolest thing thought to be a good ideain order to discern the answer, but won't Knobby be happy that I did. And what findings did my research yield? It's gotta be the shoes. After all, a former Gold Glove second baseman doesn't suddenly develop Silly Putty arm syndrome and see every throw he makes become progressively less accurate than your average NCAA Tournament bracket just because he's enough of a head case to make the good folks of the Ayn Rand Institute seem sane by comparison. Nooooo...it's all about the footwear. This theory, you will recall, was first espoused by Macharacter from rvinyou know, the Spike those NikeMichael Jordan commercials in his attempt to explain MJ's athletic superiority. It makes perfect sense. You see all these primetime athletes appearing on Nike commercials now all wearing the new "Air Jordans"...so it stands to reason that they subsequently become superior athletes. Well, if the good shoes can make you a better athlete, can't crummy ones cause athletic ability to atrophy and deteriorate like Shelley Long's career after she left flesh-devourin- g, blood-suckin- os Lee-portray- ed . "Cheers"? was forced to take. That doesn't matter. None of those factors adequately explains why I ended up with more pratfalls than points (three to zero), more scars than steals (five to zero). Ever tried pounding the Huntsman Center court wearing Nike "All Condition Gear" footwear? Let's just say I've gotten better grip from shaking hands with used car salesmen. Wasn't pretty. But you see, the point is, I didn't make a colossal fool of myself because I was the poorest excuse for an athlete this side of Mel Turpin. I didn't have the curious members of the U's women's basketball team laughing hysterically because I defined "inept" in ways that Keanu Reeves' attempts to display actual human emotion never could... I just didn't have the right shoes. The last time I bought a new pair of sneakers was my sophomore year of high schooL Some size-1- 2 Fila "Stack-hous- e II" hightops. Black suede leather with slim white vertical stripes connecting the shoelace eyeholes with the soles. My mom liked those things about as much as I liked her Neil Sedaka record collection, which is to say, not at all. I kept those shoes for five years. By the time I finally threw them out, I'd gone through four pairs of laces, worn holes in the toes, and seen some 8o percent of the rubber soles go the way of a baby boomer's hairline. That being said, I still wish I'd had those shoes for my hoops game. I'm not saying that wearing a pair of "Stack-hous- e 11" basketball shoes would have given me their namesake's scoring prowess, but at the very least I could have remained upright at least half of the time. May not seem like much, but it would've been progress 7-- Mexico. The Utes (3-played their first MWC opponent back on Jan. 27 just their second match of the yearand earned a 1 victory over Colorado State. They have not faced a conference team 7) 6-- ' since. Now, however, the bulk' of their icmaining schedule is comprised . of Mountain West opposition, with six of their final elht contests coraug sgrst MWC teams. This weekend's doubtehead-e- r which entails plsying the Falcons on Friday and the Lotos oa h Saturday kicks off a road trip. .Contests against UNLV, rival San Diego State and BYU are set to follow The Utes return home to the iive-rrutc- la-sta- te Utah 7-- 0 h coming win off an inpresilvt ever Utsh State. Eccles Tennis Center for April matchups with Fresno State, and Wyoming before concluding their regular-seaso- n schedule with a match at Weber State. ' ERIC WALDEN forme. Anyway, I'm sure that's what's behind Knoblauch's mysterious woes. Wearing the wrong stuff. Dude needs a new shoe deal. His agent oughta get to work on that ASAR And if that doesn't work...well, he could always try some radical new hypnotherapy involving listening to Europe's "The Final Countdown" and drinking "New Coke." . . j ill After registering their best performance of the season in a 0 drubbing of Utah State back on March 8, the members of the Utah women's tennis team are eager to return to action. They will get their chance this weekend when they head ' to Albuquerque, KM., to take on a pair of Mountain Wesf Conference foes in Air Force and New . mmmmmmn More stores. More faiues. More fun. Jj' 9 |