OCR Text |
Show DAILY UTAH ?QQ09a 60000 THE of the organization decided that if was indeed going to be nuked to heavhumanity en or hell the necessary precautions must be made. While the rest of America was ousting suspected communists and watching sitcoms paternally-centere- d enough to maintain the status quo and goofy enough to distract everyone's minds from fear, the organization was building a vault and making plans for immortality. At first it was simple and relatively wholesome. Worthy parents would be selected to sign their unborn children over to the vault The baby was born in the vault and stayed there until age five. If the rest of the world went up in a mush- -' room cloud, these children and a handful of wet nurses would survive and carry on the organization's traditions, values and genes. After a child turned five, he or she would be adopted into a real family and lead a relatively normal life. But by the late '60s things changed. The organization started experimenting with its vault nursery. It tried to create superhuman babies that could live for hundreds of years, just like the wise, aged men in the Bible. In the early '80s, when I was born, vault technicians began "aggression inducement research." I remember the experiments vividly. But for the sake of decency and yes, I still consider myself a descent person I will not go into the horrific details. Such a childhood produces a less than perfect person, though. In fact, some the most hideous acts committed by children in the past two decades have been committed by former vault babies. For example, a few years back there was an true story about two in a small Kentucky town who broke the brittle necks of a whole litter of kittens on Christmas morning. As if that wasn't enough, they took these dead kitties to a nativity scene set up in the town park. They replaced the characters the wise men, the shepherds, Mary and, yes, even the baby wrapped in swaddling clothes with dead calico kittens. Well, one of those kids was a vault baby. I can only imagine the type of verbal gymnastics he must have used to persuade the other child to commit such heinous acts. I can't say I don't understand. I spent most of my adolescence fighting similarly demented urges. For the longest time I had this recurring fantasy where I kidnapped and tortured both HYRUMK. JENKINS XXI! Chronicle Guest Columnist I'll probably get my throat slit for this, but I simply can't bear the guilt any longer. I must warn you: Your lives, all of your lives, will teeter in peril next Tuesday night That's when I and my fellow vault babies plan on hitting the streets to randomly puncture the plump wet organs of unsuspecting strangers. What's a vault baby you ask? That's a fair question with an answer that's both touchy and obvious. Vault babies are born and raised in what else? a vault Yes, until I was 5 years old, I never saw the outside of a sealed, nuclear catastrophe; safe structure. Some of my earliest and most pleasant memo- ries are of the odd sounds that reverberated throughout the enormous vault, of playing with my surrogate brothers and sisters n in the vault's lab, of holding babies in the vault's delivery room. Most of you will know what I'm referring to when I say that those responsible for my life in this vault are the leaders of a very influential religious organization based in Salt Lake City. For what ever reason, be it paranoia or (as I suspect) fear of ostracization from his community, the editor of The Daily Utah Chronicle's feature section will not allow me to state the religious organization by name. The vault is adjacent to the organization's main office building and was designed and buiit in response to the nuclear age. To counter encroaching bomb threats particularly potent during the nascent years of the Cold hide-and-se- ek new-bor- under-publicize- YEATES Chronicle Feature Columnist rs ironi- cally stating "boo." Now, then again, perhaps I am just It seems with all the recent zeal toward the presidential election everyone has overlooked something of far greater importance. I mean, sure, Bush's tax break may send the economy to hell, but what of our holiday, of our beloved Halloween, for God's sake? Perhaps I am too brave, but there seems to me little frightening about m limn immy i m ; , ; see VAULT BABIES, page 8 ". dmtf - '.' fj ; ft M I realize it isn't healthy for me to ask, but what about the gore, the guts, the blood? Where is the fright? The only decor I see avail able looks like somerelish in thing a bunch of V? s 4 . Vsr? 4-iT- J ikt-- - want to devilish violence, I bored housewives put together and tried to bathe sell at a boutique. scream and swim in too dauntless a My house is not an entanglement of man, but these exempt from this perintestines for one day. version. My mother "boos" look like hordes darling little I'm stuck "with the depressing feeldolls decorations, cheap ing that my favorite holiday is that belittle the good, or should I becoming nothing more than a persay bad, spirit of Halloween. And verse mutation of Mother's Day, a because this column lacks contro- distorted and delightful day of the in blood, "how-do-you-do's- ?" Wal-Ma- rt dead. CHRONICLE 'iiimi heard of a vault designed to preserve babies. But Edith started pressing mc. She forced me fb recall my earliest memories. Through a series of questions and mental poking and prodding, she made me realize my true origins. We spent the next 12 months recruiting former vault babies, all of whom had to be convinced of their bizarre, literally underground pasts. They all eventually confessed to innately violent tendencies and fantasies. In fact, that Kentucky nativity artist, he hangs d, the chipper little ghosts that pervade my neighborhood. Their haunting is frightfully ridiculous. From door to door all I see are these savvy little CHRIS 080 SBP Donnie Osmond and Merlin Olson. I learned to curb such thoughts, though, and I stopped myself from ever committing a single violent act Although I had my struggles growing up, I felt that everything was under control. Then I met Edith. About a year and a half ago I was approached by a woman who said she was vault baby she said I was one too. At first I tried to tell her that I had no idea of what she was talking about I said that, yes I was adopted, and yes I was a member of the religious organization in question. But no, I said, I've never War, leaders -, CHRONICLE see HALLOWEEN, FEATURE EDITOR JAMES GARDNER page 8 L. JGARDNERCHRONICLE.UTAH.EDU 581-704- 1 ' .'a I niMiijiimmm i mj ta , |