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Show flfl Hilltop Times CHILDREN April 14, 1989. n n n. ru no r )r))rflnnriTinftv7 LJ 1- -1 leading to abuse. any youngster or in- rinally, !l3 fant with an irrational per- U sonality may trigger abusive tendencies in a parent prone to such problems. Abusive parents or families are not monsters, though if left unchecked the results of their behavior can certainly be monstrous. It is difficult for anyone; who has not experienced parenthood to understand how both love and concern can be coupled with anger and frustration in the heart of the abusive parent, but such is the case. If you see yourself or your family in what you have been reading, please don't turn away. There is hope and help available. All you have to do is ask ... after you take the most difficult step of all and admit to yourself that there is a problem. Many parents refuse to face the truth about themselves because they fear that admitting to a problem makes them less "adult" or "in charge" of their lives. This couldn't be less true. A father or mother never stands taller as a man or woman, than when they are able to lay down their pride for the sake of those they love. ,4f ten r parents are afraid -It J that someone will attempt by Capt. Roger O. Blevins U.S. Air Force Hospital, Hill Bn attempting to write this I have approached subject from many different view points. I have approached it from that of a counselor, teacher and health care provider. It has just been in the past month, however, that I have been able to write in the manner in which I am writing, that of a concerned parent. ; You see, I have spent the last 10 years dedicated to the proposition that I could make life better for children and their families, but never before had I needed to queshe way in which this dynamic tion my ability to actually be a works is not completely clear. father. That all changed on Dec. 20, Many people who come from when my own son came into the troubled families become successful world. parents. The enormous responsibility that On the other hand, occasionally I was taking on that day was more people who come from apparently than a little intimidating. Even good homes have significant with all the planning and preparaproblems in their own parenting. tion my wife and I had made, and However, what is clear is that in the nearly 25 years of education some way or another we will carry and experience with children bethe good experiences or scars of our tween us,' I wondered if we would childhood into our own manner of be good parents. parenting. In some parents, these . health-I knew that I was a good old wounds may be so painful as to , care provider, but I also knew that be denied and pushed back into it was going to be miich more their subconscious, only to come a good "daddy?" difficult "back to' haunt them when their own ' One more question came to mind., children come along. If this experience is this worrisome By becoming parents, we become v to for me, how mich more difficult and must it be for those parents our children; however, we are only without the years of experience that human. " I have? In my experience there are really To answer that question is a few ' ' good ' ' or ' ' bad " people or very rather difficult matter. c " parents. There are only those with a re are more likely to variety of problems who handle them more or less successfully. enter into parenting In my last two years of practice, with less preparation I have seen a small number of sethan any other life event. Though high schools are now beginning to verely abused children. One of the children died at less than 2 months teach classes in family living, most of age, shaken to death by her parpeople who become first-tim- e how to ents do so with little idea of father the first time he was left alone to care for her. care for a child or of the changes The other two children suffered parenthood will bring to their lives. severe brain damage and will never For those who will take the time, achieve the potential in life they these things are taught in classes " once had. offered at the hospital and family That potential was destroyed by support center. Even more imporare less the the obvious, tant, though very people they ' trusted we had with most the their parents. I have also only experiences seen several children suffer various real teachers of parenting we have forms and degrees of neglect, often ever known, our parents. 18 so due to marital problems in the For most of us, the years or of education in parenting that we family. The great tragedy in all of this is unknowingly received from our parnot only the suffering and waste of ents, as they raised us, was fairly we in manner The human life, but that it was totally which were good. preventable. No one had to suffer, parented is deeply ingrained. And we carry these experiences die, or go to prison, if only someone had asked for help. into our own parenting practices. famiwho came from Those of us CTphe characteristics of poten-I- I lies with serious problems such as tially abusive parents and : U viofamihes are many. Such pardivorce, alcoholism, drug abuse, child abuse, sexual abuse and ents, as I have said, may come lence, from families where they were not mental illness, for example, probabour from received parly training taught acceptable ways of getting their needs met or where violence ents which did not teach us how to in needs met was the usual way of getting things acceptable ways. get ; done. Those experiences did not teach ; how to meet the needs of our family They may have unrealistic expectations of their children, such as exeither. of have number A large parents pecting that newborns can conreceived such conditioning. sciously control their crying or that 14 of will toilet train. An a estimated that is It every 3 often seen dynamic is the expecta100 children between the ages of will be tion that a child will meet a parmillion 17 children) and (six chilof Most these ent's need for love and acceptance abused annually. and demand little for themselves. dren will go on to be parents themthose and selves experiences carry Potentially abusive parents may . have poor impulse or anger control. with them. to-b- ; "all-powerfu- "all-knowin- l" W , ; g and often will act without thinking. Such parents may be young themselves and still facing the problems of their late teen years without much in the way of life experience or support systems to help them through. Alcoholism and drug abuse invariably leave a family open to abuse or neglect and most certainly a history of a parent having been abused as a child (being conditioned in a violent environment) raises the risk of their becoming abusive themselves. Very few things are ever truly a secret within a family. It is nearly impossible for a child to be abused without the knowledge of another parent or family member. Often the one person who is aware of the abuse will refuse to report it or seek assistance out of fear of, or dependence on, the abuser. They often "enable" the abuse to continue and, therefore, are guilty of abuse by giving silent consent. We see, from time to time, a mother or father who has allowed abuse to go on in their family out of "love" for the abuser. Putting away such feelings of dependence or fear in order to keep one's children healthy and safe is the hallmark of a brave and selfless : J . . parent. ; . from their custody if they request counseling. Again, this could not be Children are only rarely removed from the home as a last resort (usually temporarily) to ensure their safety in cases of severe, proven, abuse..";-;- ; The whole idea behind therapy for the abusive family is to make them whole and healthy again. Active-dut- y members usually fear that their careers will be ruined if they request counseling. This is not the case. Air Force Regulation 160-3(the Family Advocacy Program) sets up a special records system for counseling functions in these cases that is highly protected and not generally available to support personnel actions. These records are kept separate from the usual health records. However, this is not the case in police records concerning actual incidents of abuse. Moreover, I know of no commander on this base who has not expressed support for our efforts to help "at risk" Air Force families. Most of them are "mommies" and "daddies" too. lease don't hesitate. Family services, mental jL) support health people and hospital health care providers are all ready to help. Financial counseling, parenting classesanger control classes, family counseling and many other services are available. ill e vcui, aimI wm, ueip your family because we care. If you wait until a family problem becomes a tragedy, you can never truly repair all the damage. Don't hurt the ones that love and need you the most. Editor's note: Captain Blevins is a nurse practitioner at the hospital. April is Child Abuse Prevention Month. 8 r0 ny outside stress on the family with or without Z V these other risk factors may predispose to abuse. Financial stress substantially contributes to abuse. In 1984 it was found that when the income of a family drops below $10,000 dollars per year, the incidence of abuse rises approximately 75 percent. Not uncommon are incidents in, single-parefamilies or families that are separated for long periods. Abuse may rise as the demands of parenting can no longer be shared between two partners. Job stress and isolation (lack or extended family or friends) also connt tributes substantially to instability of the family. Even the characteristics of a particular child in the potentially abusive family may lead to abuse. For example, an unplanned or unwanted child that presents a financial or emotional stress on a family may be a target for abuse. A child with a physical or mental handicap may also present a burden to a "family at risk" for abuse. A child who reminds a parent of themselves or their abusive parent in appearance or temperament may emotions trigger long-suppresse- d T 1 1 |