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Show Page B2 Thursday, September 12, 1991 Park Record IL(0it nun itirees... by Alex Wells . Honest Jack can't win votes... Honest Jack, who has long been contemplating a run for governor, stumbled across a survey last week in the Salt Lake Tribune. The survey asked, "Would you still vote for a candidate with whom you are otherwise in agreement politically and philosophically, if it was revealed that..." It went on to list a number of hypothetical situations involving political candidates, including: 'The candidate is a minority," "The candidate committed and was punished for a crime," 'The candidate has been divorced," etc. Always eager to stay abreast of the latest voting trends, Honest Jack summoned his political advisor, Rex Polg, to explain the results. I was privy to their high-level meeting, which took place on the front porch of Honest Jack's home last Tuesday. "Well," Rex said, settling into a lawn chair alongside Rex. "Ninety-three percent will still vote for you even though you're not a member of the LDS church. That's not so bad. But only 73 percent will vote for you if you don't go to church at all." "What should I do about it?" asked Jack, peering over Rex's shoulder at the survey results. "Better go to a church Sunday morning. Only this time don't shave your head. And leave the bells at home." "That's fine," Jack answered. "The bars don't open until noon, anyway." "Forget about going to the bar," Rex said, tapping the newspaper with one finger. "It says here only 4 1 percent of the people in Salt Lake will vote for a person who drinks alcohol and swears." "Aw, shucks," Jack mumbled. "Here's one I don't get," Rex said. "It says, 'The candidate reveals he she is a non-practicing bisexual?' What's a 'non-practicing bisexual'? Does it mean he doesn't train? Does it mean the office is closed? Does it mean the candidate is asexual?" "Dunno." "Even a non-practicing bisexual only retains 18 percent of his would-be voters," Rex pointed out. "There's no point in abstinence, then," Jack concluded. Rex stared down intently at the survey. "Well, at least you're not a sexist," Rex noted. "That's good." "Yeah, only eight percent will vote for a sexist," Jack agreed, as he scanned the poll results. "But 22 percent will vote for someone who's unfaithful to a spouse, 13 percent will vote for a candidate who supports polygamy, and 35 percent will vote for someone who was charged but not convicted of sexual harassment more than 10 years ago," Rex noted. "So a few voters may support a polygamist who cheats on his wives and was once accused of harassment, so long as he's not a sexist" "In my first speech I will say, 'I am not a sexist,'" Jack stated proudly. "Only five percent would vote for a candidate who occasionally smokes marijuana," Rex said, pointing to a figure at the bottom of the poll. "That's two percent fewer than would vote for a shoplifter." "What does that mean?" Jack asked. "If you're running for office, it's better to steal than to walk around with a silly grin, eating Oreos. Like you do." There was a long pause, then, during which Jack stared at Rex. "What are my chances?" Jack finally asked. "You could beat Danny Bonaduce by a nose, since you've never slugged a transvestite in a crack-related dispute over sex acts." Rex said. "But he's the only person in the world you could defeat in a Utah election." "But I'm honest," Jack cried. "I may be a drinking, cussing, omnisexual, pot-smoking divorced man. But I'm honest I'll never take the people's money. I'll never lie in office. I'll always do my best. Isn't there one question about liars. How many people would vote for a chronic liar?" "Dishonesty isn't listed on the poll," Rex said, shaking his head sadly. "It's not important anymore. Heck, no one who's honest could get past the voters on all the other issues of decency." Free Sports Psychology Session! Join Wilson Ellis, sports psychologist with Ole Miss football. Winningest sports psychologist in the Southeastern Conference Gain the mental edge in Golf, Swimming, Skiing, Football, Basketball, Soccer or your business! Wednesday, September 25th at 7:30 p.m. at Olympia Hotel Call 649-5398 for info- If s Time Park Cityl NINTH ANNUAL mm Part of "The Utah Fat Tire Festival Series11 Sunday, September 15, 1991 10:00 A.M. Park City, Utah The only mountain bike event that starts at a Brew Pub! Hillclimb All ages, all categories Festival Series year-end awards Ribbons to all ages & classes Merchandise prizes to be pulled from a hat PREREGISTRATION DEADLINE THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 7:00 P.M. (Prereglster to Insure you get an event T-shirt!) 1600 Park Avenue Open Daily From 9:00 A.M. 649-4949 . Geary takes Western Regionals, advances to Men's D Nationals by RANDY HANSKAT Record guest writer In recreational Softball, goals are usually of short focus--a hit with runners in scoring position, a diving stab of a rising line drive. But for 10 local players, the focus of their collective goal must now be a little longer--2,000 miles longer, to be exact That goal is a National Class D Championship in the National Softball Association World Series Oct. 5-6 in Rock Hill, South Carolina. Only 16 teams from throughout the United States will be competing for the title. Geary Construction, a team made up of players from Park City and Heber City, became one of the "Sweet 16" by capturing the title in the NSA Western Regionals, held over the Labor Day weekend in Ogden. Geary had to come from out of the loser's bracket, playing six . games on Sept. 1 to grab the championship in the 32-team event. After two wins Aug. 30 by scores of 13-4 and 9-2, Geary looked to be in good form for the tournament, as balanced hitting and tight defense prevailed. But the fun started the next morning, as Geary, a poor morning team, faced off against the number-one number-one seed in the tournament, R & E Limited of Las Vegas. Still wiping sleep from their eyes-and their bats-Geary went down 6-4. The loss made the day more difficult, as the schedule then consisted of back-to-back games through the finals. In the finals, Geary would now have to beat the team from the winners' bracket twice to take the title. After an uneventful defeat of a Utah team, 14-5, in the next game, Geary was one of the tourney's final four teams, ready to go for the championship. Standing in their way, however, were a bunch of canine types, the Dawgs from Hill Air Force Base. Since half of this team was freshly returned from Saudi Arabia, they were, needless to say, a vocal bunch. Brian Wagner and Steve Captain paced the team, Captain with two base-clearing triples and Wagner with his Hoover-like play at short. The tightly contested game ended 7-6, as Geary "put out the Dawgs." Next up was R & E Limited, having been freshly beaten in the final of the winner's bracket. Geary knew the morning's slumber was a fluke and proved it with an 11-2 spanking of the LImiteds. Charlie "The Tuna" S lusher was the kingfish of the game, batting in five runs with a key triple and single, both with two outs. For those accomplishments, Slusher was honored as "Player of the Game" and was guaranteed not to be ground into fishmeal anytime soon. Now the task became ugly for the Gear-Meisters, having to beat The Bones, a chiropractic conglomerate from Las Vegas, twice to win the tournament. Randy Hanskat, making a special encore return from the Great Northwest for this tournament, overheard R & E Limited's players telling players from The Bones they "would have no problems with these guys," in reference to the Geary team. He graciously reminded the Limiteds of who had just thumped them 1 1-2, then took the field. As if incensed by those comments, the entire Geary team went rabid, playing a strangling A MEMBER Of THE SEARS FINANCIAL NETWORK m U 1 1 1 reJ II L PREMIER, INC. RESIDENTIAL REAL ESTATE I i -: v . 4 I. And Julie McKay Present An Exceptional Real Estate Opportunity in Deer Valley ,.. BEST BUY IN DEER VALLEY! Nestled in the aspens, with views of the lake, this nicely furnished condo with private hot tub and private garage is an excellent buy at $180,000. No other 3 bedroom, 3 bath condo in Deer Valley is priced lower. For details call Julie at 649-4400 (office) or 649-8420 (home) defense and running the basepaths like crazed Banshees. Geary led 11-0 11-0 through five, paced by two Hanskat in-the-park homers, before the Bones could do anything. The: final was 17-8 Geary, and The: Bones learned their task wouldn't be so easy. ! But due to their earlier loss,: Geary had to beat The Bones again: to take the title, a difficult task: under normal circumstances made' even more difficult" by Ogden's sweat-stained 94-degree heat As: the final game opened, Geary' looked a bit weary and couldn't get' much started Defense kept them in it,! however. Sparkling outfield grabs by Tim "Bruce" Lee in left field and Ted Bud in right center were; key, as The Bones led by a lowly! score of 2-0 through two. Geary got two in the bottom of the third ' to knot the score 22. But in the '. fifth, The Bones went up 4-2, and ' hoped it would be enough to win. . ' It looked as if they were right, as the game came down to the ! bottom of the seventh (and final) ! inning. But the Bones didn't know ; this spunky Geary Bunch. Slusher J worked the nervous Bone pitcher : for a walk to open the inning. Then ; Brian Wagner reached base on a second baseman boot, putting runners on first and second with , none out. Up stepped Rich Rehfield, showing none of his. advancing years. Rehfield calmly rapped a crisp single to right field scoring Slusher make the score 4-3 for the Bones. Hanskat then lined a ' single down the first base line to tie the game up at 4-4. Up steps ' Alan "Old" McDonald, a ' renowned home-run and deep-fly hitter. For some unknown reason, The Bones chose not to walk McDonald and set up a force at : home plate. McDonald made them pay for such shabby strategy, ' powering the ball to deep right center, driving in the winning run, 5-4, all with not a single out. After much celebratory bedlam, tournament honors were awarded. Brian Wagner, Steve Captain and Alan McDonald made All-Tournament, All-Tournament, while Randy Hanskat was named tournament Most Valuable Player. When the award . votes were tallied, it turned out all ; other team memberS-Ted Bud, Tim Lee, Cary Holmes, Ronnie Edwards, Rich Rehfield and ; Charlie Slusher-received at least ; one All-Tournament vote each. ; Now Geary goes about the ; business of raising upwards of $5,000 for the trip to the Class D ; World Series in South Carolina. ; The team will hold a fundraiser at 8 p.m. Sept. 18 at the Alamo. The evening will include live ; entertainment and "fabulous door prizes," according to Tim Lee. A $3 donation for the team will be collected at the door. Football officials needed The Park City Recreation Department needs football officials of-ficials for the fall season. If you are interested in officiating of-ficiating call Karen by Sept. 17. An officals' clinic is set for Sept. 19. 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