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Show if May 12, 1993 By Mark Forsberg Here I Am ... ,m, ... And I've been thinking. Many people might consider this a bad thing. I, however, find i t qui te entertai ning. In fact, I ha ve found the act of thinking so entertaining I have decided to share a few of my thoughts with you, the reader. My Thoughts There is a major issue I would like to address today. It is a topic of international importance and I hope you will take it as seriously as I have. But first I would like you to put down the newspaper and take a look around you. Catalogue who and what you see, what they are doing. Write it all down on a little yellow piece of paper, the kind with a sticky strip on the back. Crumple the paper into a little ball and eat it. Whew! I'm glad we got that out of the way! Now let's get down to business. The Business The topic (or business, if you will) of the day is leashes. Now, this may sound like a rather boring and mundane topic to you, the reader. But I have observed people putting leashes to use in some incredible ways. In fact, I'd wager the possibilities of the leash concept are virtually endless. I know all of you have seen children on leashes. I have come to appreciate the sight of a small child leaning forward at a 45 degree 4 aVidrisYift 600 REMOUNTS, EARRINGS, PENDANTS, &CHAINS IN STOCK 1 ct. Diamond, $1200&up 12ct. Diamond, $499&up 13ct. Diamond, $299&up 14ct. Diamond, $75&up Guarantee If your diamond does not appraise in writing (within 30 days of purchase) for at least 66 more than your purchase price, your money will be refunded. Call for an Appointment Diamond T y' Uream XrrC Utah 533 26th Street 627-3773 JOHN PALMIERI DIAMOND BROKER The Signpost Soapbox Explore the uses of your common household leash angle, red-faced and straining against the harness connecting him to his parents. I'm sure many of you share my feelings. But I feel the leash concept is only in its formative stages. There is so much more potential. Forinstance,myselfanda close associate have developed the concept of the leash family. This revolutionary idea could change the way Americans view traditional family life. Imagine: you wake up in the morning, groggy but well-rested. Your spouse is lying beside you, sleeping soundly although the alarm is screaming like a burning housecat. Normally, you would go through the clumsy motions of pushing himher out of bed and kicking himher until heshe is awake. However, applying the leash family concept you can simply tie hisher leash to a rope, tie the rope to the family automobile and drag himher through the house, out the front door and onto the lawn. That'll wake 'em up! There are other uses as well. If you are the proud owner of a large family (pop. six or higher), you can make use of the leash family travel plan. The first step of this unique concept involves leashing your children, spouse and household pet to a large wagon. Second, go to your local back-alley merchant and buy a large bullwhip. Third, stand on the wagon, shout "YeeeeHa!" and crack the whip over their heads. Iflflflfl I lip irojans Thought She Was a Real Babe The lovely Helen of Troy launches a thousand laughs in this sparkling, irreverent treatment of the classics. This is a zany, risque account of how the Trojan War got started complete with gods, goddesses, and mere mortals. She was worth going to war over. Helen Of Troy (La Belle Helene) by Jacques Offenbach, Sung in English May 15, 17, 19, 21, 1993 - 7:30 p.m. May 23, 1993 - 2:00 p.m. Tickets available at the ArtTix Box Office and Albertsons ArtTix locations. Call 355-ARTS (2787) The Signpost I hear people have made it as far as Texas. Another facet of the leash concept is highly practical as well as entertaining. Take your average small child (age 2-5) and put him her on an incredibly long and elastic leash. Tie the child to a tree. Go inside and have a couple beers, maybe watch a sitcom. Now, after an appropriate amount of time head on out and view the desolation. Your child will have mummified the tree, himherself and most of the yard in hisher ramblings. The leash will look like an extra-largespider-web, effectively capturing not only insects, but neighbors, pets and other family members. This should provide hours of viewing pleasure. Caution Naturally, there are problems associated with over-use of leashes. For instance: you enter your house after a long day's work and hear a loud lapping noise. You don't own a dog and you can't figure out what else it may be. "Oh, well," you say, and head down the hall to discover the source. Upon opening the bathroom door you see something that will stick with you for the rest of your life. I won't go into detail, but let's just say littlejohnie will need to be kept away from the toilet from now on. Another common problem with leash children is the formation of habits and securities that stick rn 'encral 'Director A X i AJNwrrvms I with them into adult life. We call this leash dependency. Here's a typical scene: Him: "Hey, honey, let's fool around." Her: "Oh, you're so nasty!" Him: "Hee! Hee!" (minutes later) Her: "What is that? Get that a way from me!" Him: "Honey, it's just a leash. I don't want to put it on you. I just need to have it around. Let's put it under the pillow." Her: "You'resick! I'mleavingand I'm taking the child!" (he hangs himself twenty minutes later with, you guessed it, the leash). Although this may seem extreme, it is typical of the troubles faced by leash dependent children as they enter the adult world. Many have difficulty functioning without tangible restraints. Employers often find it necessary to strap these poor workers to their chairs and desks in order to keep them in the office. One extreme case, documented by a scientist somewhere in the backlands of Zimbabwe, involved one such leash employee who actually dragged his chair, desk and sev WE NEED YOUR HELP! THERE IS A CRITICAL SHORTAGE OF PLASMA EARN $120 AND HELP SAVE LIVES DO YOU From Plasma . Cutler Biological produces the only treatment tor emphysema caused by genetic deliciency. 20,000 hemophiliacs in the United States rely on Plasma produced Anthemophic Factor concentarate. Based on 8 Donations Ogden Plasma Center 2262 Washington Blvd. Ogden, UT eral other employees he was connected to nearly 200 yards from his office building. When asked why he did it, his answer was simple: "I felt like I had to. I wasn't tied down securely enough." Obviously, the problems caused by leash dependency run deep. It is a problem we as Americans need to face and solve before it reaches epidemic proportions. A Final Word A final note (or word, if you will) from the author. Don't take the above warnings too seriously. I condone, support, bolster, cheer and celebrate the use of leashes in every partof practical life. I would never dream of removing such a vital part of our society. The problems resulting from leash use pale when we look a t the advantages. Perhaps someday our society will advance to the point where leashes are accepted as a part of everyday life, where a spouse and children can pull a wagon with dignity and respect (maybe for a new world's record, all the way to Mexico!) The way things are going, I'm betting that day will come soonindeed. Imagine your choice of 17 delicious, flame broiled burgers...from the hearty All American to our Green Chili Burger to the one that made us famous, The Bleu Bacon Burger. Experience The Training Table's tasty sandwiches, crisp salads, healthful chicken platters and creamy soups. 3ine the possibilities... ! Training Table! Open for Lunch and Dinner, 7 Days a Week! Takeout Available. .4. KNOW? 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