OCR Text |
Show "Know him?" said Pat. "Bedad, I knew him when his father was a small boy!" Put ten men on an island, each with ten dollars. In ten months, one man will have a hundred dollars and the others nothing. "If I have to speak to you again, children, I shall punish some of you."-"Well, then," said ??, "I'd advise you to hold in your speak." "S-a-a-y, father, I learned something new at school to-day." "What was it?" "I learned to say ‘Yes, sir,' and ‘No,sir.'" "Did you?" "Y-a-s-s." "I should like to see somebody try to abduct me," said Mrs. Smith. "H'm! so should I, my dear," growled Mr. Smith, "so should I." "Had drank" is not good English grammar, says a high authority. It certainly is not. "Was drunk" is better grammar, and more in accordance with the facts, nine times out of ten. A Camden gal cleared the space around thirteen ears of corn at a meal, the other day, and picking her teeth with a hairpin, observed, "If I ever get well enough to eat much, I think I could live on corn." "This House for Sail" was the way the landlord spelled the announcement. A smart fellow came along and asked, "When will the house sail?"-"As soon as some one comes along who can raise the wind," was the cool answer. "I want five cents' worth of starch" said a little girl to a grocer's clerk. The clerk, wishing to tease the child, asked, "What do you want five cents worth of starch for?" Why, for five cents, of course," she answered, and the clerk concluded to attend to his own business. "Don't you love her still?" asked the Judge of the man who wanted a divorce. "Certainly I do," said he, "I love her better still than any other way, but the trouble is she will never be still." The Judge, who is a married man himself, takes the case under advisement. Ambitious Boy-"Mother, may I go out west and fight injuns?" Mother-"No, my son; but you may go down to the cellar and fetch me up a scuttle of coal." Thereupon the heart-crushed lad swore eternal hostility to society, and forthwith became a plumber's apprentice. "Mrs. Sage, I should like to know whose ferry boats are these I tumbled over in the hall." "Ferry-boats, indeed, sir. Those are my shoes. Very polite of you to call them ferry-boats." "I didn't say ferry-boats Mrs Sage, you misunderstood me-fairy boots, I said, my dear." A colored preacher, explaining to his congregation the creation of the world, said "De Lord fust made de world, den he made man, and set him agin de fence to-day." "Ah, but who made de fence?" inquired one of his hearers. The minister was so confused at this sudden query that he was unable to answer it. He merely ignored the question, and said "Let us pray." He groaned in his sleep, and his wife arose, to light the lamp. He beheld a display of striped stockings, and then murmured to himself "I've got ‘em sure this time." "Got what?" she inquired. "Got the delirium tremens. I'm seeing animals of all kinds. I've just seen a zebra." She turned down the light, and the menagerie closed. An exchange has an editorial entitled "Whither are we leading?" The answer is different for different people. Some of the boys and girls are tending table at the summer resorts, others with more setup are pretending to enjoy themselves as boarders at the same, and we editors are intending to take a vacation when we can get away, but things don't tend that way just now. Dear little boy, when prone you lay Across the maternal knee. Beneath the slipper's vengeful play, In smarting misery, And young companions howl with joy. Dear child do not get vexed-You may laugh at the same boy; It may be his stern next. First-rate poison.-"Doctor, that one rats-bane of yourn is fust rate," said a Yankee to a village apothecary. "Know'd it! Know'd it!" said the pleased vendor of drugs. "Don't keep anything but first-rate doctor's stuff." "And doctor," said the joker coolly "I want to buy another pound of ye." "Another pound!" "Yes, sir; I gave that pound I bought the other day to a nibbling mouse, and it made him dreadful sick, and I am sure another pound would kill him!" When the triangle had called the colored brother's meeting to order, Bro. Carter rose with his usual sleekness and said, "Gem'en, if it wasn't for the wheels ob a waggin de waggin wouldn't move. When de wheels am on, den what?" "Grease," solemnly exclaimed Bro. Jackson. "K-rect;" whispered the president, softly rubbing his hands together. "We haz de waggin and de wheels. We will now pass de hat aroun' for de grease." |