OCR Text |
Show DETROIT CURRENCY. Not only keep cool, but keep shady. Peck's Sun speaks of a locomotive as who. There's a switch open there. Lawn is only eight cents per yard, and lawn parties ought to be plenty. The editor of the National Republican, Washington, is the brazenest and most impudent literary thief in America. Illinois women like the name of Smith. Dr. Smith, of Prairie Bend, had no difficulty in engaging himself to marry four of them. Astronomer Proctor says the world will last 50,000,000 years yet. That will do. Any man who demands more is a hog.-[N.Y. World. "Not one hotel in forty, large or small, places a good cup of coffee on the table," says a New Yorker who has traveled for twenty years. An average of 2000 postal cards are daily mailed in this country without address on the face. We are becoming an absent-minded nation. The Philadelphia Chronicle is anxiously waiting to see if the Revised Testament will press autumn leaves as good as the other edition. A Chicago drummer is in limbo in a Wisconsin jail for hitting a hotel landlord with twenty-one out of a possible twenty-three codfish balls. In the harbor of Honolulu the other day there were ninety-eight vessels, of which number only three were American. Even Brazil had five. Jay Gould's profits last year were $6,000,000. How nice it must be to be able to buy a whole custard pie at once and not feel that you have to suffer for the extravagance. The government has spent $250,000 in investigating the locust, army worm and grasshopper, and the only result thus far reported is that none of them wear spectacles. "Who would live without children?" plaintively asks the New York Herald. That depends on whether your wife can make the oldest boy a pair of pants out of your old coat. A Justice of the Peace, two-thirds drunk and in the market for $10, never thinks of the cheek of the thing when he marries a couple and says: "Whom God hath joined together," etc. Greece, patriotic Greece, also has her side issues. The latest is a treasury defalcation of $100,000. Eight men who wanted to die for their country formed a ring and got the money. The Modern Argo has a poet who can put eleven feet into one line and five in another and still preserve such even harmony that the reader seems to be gradually falling from a five-story building. When the telegraph wires are run underground, and the poles abolished, the lamp-posts should be increased. There must be something left for drunken men to cling to.-[Philadelphia Chronicle. "I shall die," said an old English doctor the other day," under the firm belief that human science will yet lengthen the years of life from an average of seventy to an average of 100." That's what we're waiting for. When seven different piano-makers advertise their instruments as "the best in the world," it is a relief to come across an old hand-organ which jumps the last verse of "Captain Jinks" into the first of "Mollie Darling." Two Michigan men have had a business partnership for thirty nine years without a cross word or dispute, and without either losing a day's time. It is needless to add that the firm has not made any money. Too easy, you know. Virginia has discovered still another cave. This one contains the bodies of four petrified Indians, who probably died while waiting for government rations. Each one has a look of sorrow which makes him worth $3 as a doorstep. The Hotel World of Chicago says that whisky will ruin a hotel keeper quicker than chain-lightening. It must be something besides his poor beef. The people stand that year after year without making a movement to lynch him. Mr. Baker, a banker at Fond du Lac?, gave out when he first failed? that his liabilities would not exceed his assets by over $50,000. Later in the week, when his wife's dress-making bill came in, he put assets down to $50,000 and liabilities up to $250,000. A gentleman from Indiana recently registered in an Illinois hotel and looked at the printed notice in his bedroom, "Please do not blow out the gas." The occupant of the adjoining room heard him remark: "I pay my money and I'm going to blow out the gas if I want to."-[Chicago Tribune. |