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Show 1AiTEiN FABLES IN SLANG SLANG SLANGaBtusradtcat aBtusradtcat l llS1lldcat [ . By GEORGE ADE ADEWNU ADEWNUservice WNUservice WNU 8m-lee 8m lee - . - . . . . r r2 .A A . , _ L r _ .1 1 . _ 1/4'B 1 4'B 4B 14'Bft " / V " ' * ee ee"You ft # . "You You " Are Slthng Sitting There With a Dirty Look In Your Eyes " BEING CORRECT AND PROPER PROPERBNCE PROPERO PROPERNCE NCE there was a Man named namedAlonzo namedAlonzo namedAlonzo BNCE ONCE O Alonzo Frothmgham Frothingham whosewife whose whosewile whosewife wile wife used to bawl bav.l bavl . him outsomethmg outsomething out outsomething something somethmg scandalous on ac- ac account account ac account - - count of ot his crude Manner ofSpeech of ofSpeech ofSpeech Speech and his Penchant for using usingall usingall usingall all of tho the Smart Aleck Slang he hecould hecould hecould could pick up Even when Com Com- Company Company Company - pany \ was as present he made no ap- ap apparent apparent ap apparent - parent effort to recognize recogmze the Pres Pres- Presence Presence Presence - ence of the Dominie Domime Dominic or the CollegeProfs College CollegeProfs CollegeProfs Profs , but seemed to take a loaf- loaf loaferIsh loaferish loaf-ensh loaf ensh - erIsh Delight Dellght in m saving sajIng saying , , right out In Infront infront infront front of them , , "Not Not " on your Whis Wlus- Wlus Whis- Whiskers Wluskers Whiskers - kers ' " or 'How How ' How do y ou get thatWays that thatWay thatWay Way Ways ? " or , , possibly "I'll Ill " ' ' ' tell the thecock thecock thecock cock eyed World " He was sure anIn anInjun anInjunThe an anInjun Injun In Jun InjunThe JunThe The wife , whose front name was wasMehItabel wasMehitabel wasMehitabel MehItabel , often told him hun that one one.Reason oneReason one.Reason oneReason .Reason Reason . . why she let out such a Yelp Yelpabout Yelpabout Yelpabout about his Coarse Language was thathe that thathe thathe he had no Excuse for pulling pullmg theHick the theHIck theHick HIck Stuff He had been mcubated incubated incubatedin mcubatedin in inan an Atmosphere of Culture , and andJater andlater andlater Jater later , attended the State Unl\ Unl Unlers1ty Uniersity University.He UniversityHe \ % ers1ty . He had read all the Works of SirWalter SIr SIrWalter SirWalter Walter Scott and Robert W Cham Cham- Chambers Chambers Chambers - bers He had delivered Orationswhich Orahons Orations OrahonsV.hICh Orationswhich V.hICh VhICh which . were Scholarly and full of ofbang ofbang ofbang bang up Words such as "Vouch Vouch "Vouch- "Vouchsafe "Vouchsafe "Vouchsafe " - safe , , " "Eleemosynary Eleemosynary " " and "Perad- "Perad Perad "Peradventure "Perad.venture Perad.venture Peradventure " . - venture , . , " sohat so \ what \\hat hat was the Large LargeIdea LargeIdea LargeIdea Idea of tr trying ) mg to make folks tlunk trunk tlunkhe trunkhe thinkhe he heas ' was \as as \ a Longshoreman9 Longshoreman Longshoreman9No ? ' No matter how ho\\ ho hothoroughly \ \ thoroughly a LadJ Lady Ladyis ' IS on to his hlS Permanent AffiIchon Affliction AffiIchonand Afflictionand Afflictionand and ho\ ho however hoever \ , ever low may be her Estl Esti Estlmate Estimate Estimate mate of his Moral Grandeur Grandeul Grandeui nnd and nndIntellectual andIntellectual andIntellectual Intellectual Prowess , , she alwaystries always alwaystrIeS alwaystries trIeS to be 10) 10 toy loval ) al to his Nobs andspread and andspread andspread spread the Impression among theNeighbors the theNeIghbors theNeighbors NeIghbors that he is a Combmatlon Combination Combinationof Combmatlonof of Elihu El1hu Root , , Calvin Coolidge Coohdgc , thePope the thePope thePope Pope , , ex ec e , < President Presldent Eliot and DrWilliam Dr DrWIlham DrWilliam WIlham William Ly L Loon ) on Phelps of Yale He Hemay Hemay Hemay may be a Mutt at Home but when whenhe whenhe whenhe he gets to the Bench Show he is a aWorld's aWorld's aWorld's aWorlds World's Worlds ' Champion Champlon Champlonuth \ with \uth uth a Ribbonaround RIbbon RIbbonaround Ribbonaround around his Neck . . . Now there was simply no Let upto up upto upto to Mehitabel ragging raggmg Alonzo on account ac- ac account ac account - count of his Predilection PredllectlOn for the thelow thelow thelow low brow Vernacular . She dinged dmged at him hlm so long thatfinally that thatfinally thatfinally finally he made what is known as asThe asThe asThe The Married Man's Mans ' CompromIse Compromisei , 1 i e , , he decided to let her have herown her herown herown own \ way ay in m Everything . . He saId saIdhe saidhe saidhe he . would v.ould vould Chop out the Chuck Con Con- Connors Connors - . nors Dialect and make Lmdley Lindley LindleyMurray LmdleyMurray LindlcyMurray Murray sound like l1ke a VulgarianVERBAL Vulgarian VulgarianVERBAL VERBAL VERnAL A AVALANCHE AVALANCHEAt VALA CIIE CIIEAt At that , , the Good Wife W e e3S was vv ' \3S 3S \ as notprepared not notprepared notprepared prepared for the Verbal Confechon- Confechon Confection- Confection Confechoncry Confectionery Confection-cry Confection cry - - cry ery which he began to lavish laVlsh upon uponher uponher uponher her For instance , , they v/erc v erc were / seatedat seated seatedat seatedat at the Dinner Table and nnd she wantedto wanted wantedto wantedto to know kno\ kno kno'v knov kno1.f , ' if 1.f 1f . he had in \ put a pleas pleas- pleasant pleasant pleasant - ant and profitable Day , whereuponhe "hereuponhe "hereupon hereupon whereupon " he replied rephed ' ' On tho the Contrary , , I Iha Ihave ] ha\ ha have hae \ e been subjected to a Series of ofrather ofrather olrather rather harrowing Experiences , all alltendmg alltending aFtending tendmg tending to disturb my Calm andruffle and andruffle ancruffle ruffle , what , ; hat is , under all but abnor- abnor abnormal abnormal abnormal - mal Circumstances , , a truly AngelicTemper Angehc Angelic AngehcTemper AngelicTemper Temper " "Have Have " you gone off your Nut7 Nuts Nut ? " " asked MehItabeL ' No ma'am maam ' . , I am trying to let you youknow youknow youknow know Everything Everythmg \ went \ ent Punk wIth wIthme withme withme me today , , . but I 1 am endeavoring endeavormg toconvey toconvey to toconvey convey that Information in m Lan Lan- Language Language Language - guage so chaste and dignified thateven that thate thateven e\ e een even \ en my best Pal and severest severestCrItIc severestCritic severestCritic CrItIc cannot find Fault with her herlIttle herlittle herlittle lIttle Alonzo " ' You can lay layoff off the cheap androwdy and androwdy androwdy rowdy E Expressions , < press1ons without tr try tryingto ) mg ing mgto ingto to make a Fool of the DIctlonary Dictionary Dictionary"suggested Dictionarysuggested , . " , suggested friend W Wife e e'Unfortunately Unfortunately 'Unfortunately ' I 1 cannot do so so"he sohe , , " he replied rephed . . . "There There " doesn't doesnt ' seem to tobe tobe tobe be any happy Compromise Compromlse betweenSlang between betweenSlang betweenSlang Slang and Jaw breakers When onedecides one onedecIdes onedecides decIdes to correct his manner of ofSpeech ofSpeech ofSpeech Speech by refraining refraInmg from the cur cur- current current current - rent Catch Phrases < of If the Street Streetthe , , the homely Colloquialisms Colloqwahsms and all allof allof allof of the barbarous A'l1Crle3msms Al1Crle3msms Americanisms A'l1Crle3msmswInch Americanismswhich Americanismswhich ' wInch which arc are so repulsive to Hlgh High HighSchool HlghSchool HighSchool School Superintendents Supermtendents , , he findshimself fInds fIndshimself findshimself himself at al a I once imbedded Imbeddcd in m a Bogof Bog Bogof Bofiof of PolJ Poly Pol ; s ti ; liable Uablc llabic Circumlocutions " "Slip Slip "Shp Shp " me that Last One again"said againsaid agam again , " saId Mehitabel Mehltabel "I I " muffed mulled it " "Ias "I I " \ was \\as as endeavoring , , " said Alonzo Alonzo"to Alonzoto , . .to to "to " . suggest that when One startsin starts startsin ! m in on a pam painful ul and determined determinedEffort determinedEffort , Effort to make all of his Oral Ef- Ef Efforts Efforts Ef Efforts - forts comport with the inflexibleRules mflexlble inflexible mflexlbleRules inflexibleRules Rules of the Lexicographers and andPUrIsts andPurists andPurists PUrIsts , he.111 he \ will \.111 .111 . find himself hunseI ! up upagamst upagainst upagainst agamst against it unless-l unless l unless-I I unless - I beg pardonhewill pardon-he pardon he pardonhewIll pardon - hewill wIll find flnd himself hunseI ! confronting confrontmg aDilemma a aDIlemma aDilemma DIlemma , in that he will be compelled com com- compelled compelled - pelled to use only those Words andPhrases and andPhrases andPhrases Phrases Phrases.hIC \.hIC .hIC \ which . have been vulgarIzed vulgarizedby by Common Usage " . "I I " 1 am glad that you remember remembersome remembersome remembersome some of the Long Words you heard heardIn heardin In College , , " said she , . ' but don't dont don'tthInk don'tthink don'tthink dontthink ' thInk j you vou ou are going gomg to jar anyLaugh any anyLaugh anyLaugh Laugh out of me by springing sprmgmg thatline that thathne thatline hne line of Low Comedy . "Whatever Whatever " else they may hang on onto onto onto to you , j y ou will always go Free Freewhen Freewhen Freewhen when accused of being bemg Funny , . " saId saIdMehltabcl saidMehitabel saidMehitabel Mehltabcl Mehitabel , , giving him hun the FIshy FIshyE FishyEy FishyE E Ey , } c e a "I I " am trying to get y ou Par Par- Parlor Parlor Parlor - lor Broke and teach you to eat wIth witha a Fork and you , with your Usual UsualDeficIency UsualDeficiency UsualDeficiency DeficIency in m ordinary ordmary Absence of ofGood ofGood ofGood Good Taste , are trj trying mg to k kill l my mynoble mynoble mynoble noble ' "Efforts Efforts 'ElTorts ElTorts " , , gum up the whole wholeProgram wholeProgram wholeProgram Program and make me look like lIhe adesiccated a adeS1CC:1ted adesiccated deS1CC:1ted deS1CC1ted desiccated : Wham " "You You " wrong me , Sweetie S\\eetle S eetle Swseetie \ \ , " m in mslsted insisted insistcd slsted sisted Alonzo "I I " am hymguth tiying hymg trying \uth uth with withall \ withall uthall all of my Boyish Strength and withmy withmy wIth wIthm m my ) ' Fingers Fmgers crossed , to make my myTal1 myTalk myTalk Tal1 Talk . sweet s\.eet s.eet s .eet eet \ . and purty and samtary sanitary samtaryFor sanitaryFor sanitaryFor For nearly One Hundred Years , , as asnearly asnearly asnearly nearly as I can estimate estunate the Time , you ) ou have been throwing throwmg the Har Har- Harpoon Harpoon Harpoon - poon at me because I talk tal1 . likeGeorge l lde ldeGeorge , e eGeorge George M Cohan instead mstead of George Georgethe Georgethe Georgethe the Fifth Filth Up to the time th3 that tour tourHoneymoon our ourHoneymoon ourHoneymoon Honeymoon evaporated and you be- be began began be began - gan to gl\ gl gr gi\e gi e gle \ ' e a me a Line Lme on my spec spec- spectacular spectacular spectacular - tacular Inferiority , , . I 1 labored under underthe underthe underthe the pleasant Delusion that I wasone was wasone wasone one of Nature Nature's Natures ' : ; . Noblemen And Andnow Andnow Andnow now because I use the only kind kmd of ofTalk ofTalk ofTalk Talk which can be understood by bythe bythe bythe the Dubs with whom I am com com- compelled compelled compelled - pelled to associate , , you are trymg trying trymgto tryingto tryingto to make it out that I am a flat-headed flat headed flat- flat flatheaded flatheaded - headed MoronNOT Moron MoronNOT NOT IN THE Till : CONTRACT CONTRACT"At CO CONTRACT"At CONTRACTAt RACT "At At " this juncture , when you youshould youshould youshould should be singing smgmg 'Rescue Rescue ' the Per Per- PerIshing Perishing Perishing - ishing , , ' and getting ready to heaveme heave heaveme heaveme me the Life L1.fe L1fe . Line Lme you arc are sittingthere SIttIng SIttIngthere sittingthere there with a Dirty Look in m yourEye your yourEye yourEye Eye , , regarding regardmg me as if Ii I 1 were a aloathsome aloathsome aloathsome loathsome Reptile Repble instead mstead of a adandy adandy , dandy little l1tt1e Fellow with a heart of ofI ofGold ofGold olGold I Gold . . . " "I I " don't dont ' ' remember the e.act eact exact exactWording e.actWordmg e\ac e ac eacWording \ . < Wording Wordmg of our Nuptial Agreement Agreement"said Agreementsaid , , " " saId Mrs Frothmgham FrothIngham , 'but but ' but I am amsure amsure airsure sure there is nothing nothmg in m the Con Con- Contract Contract . - tract to the Effect that I would be bee beexpected beexpected e expected " < pected to live in a Nut CollegeWhen College CollegeWhen CollegeWhen When you are at your JOur ; Top Form FormAlonzo , Alonzo , y ; ou arc are no Lcon Leon Errol and andJust andjust ancjust Just at present prcsent you are as eccrucd- eccrucd eccrucdating e excruciatmg , < cruci- cruci cruciatmg - atmg ating as a Hearse with w1th Plumes on onIt onit orit It it . . The only way I 1 can fit into the thePIcture thePicture thPicture ( PIcture PIctureith \ with \\ith ith \ you is 18 to wear Blackthe Black Blackthe Blacithe the Year Ye3r round When it comes toassassinating to toassassmating tassassinating ( assassmating assassinating Mirth Marth you have cer cer- cer certainly certamly - . tamly tainly got many a Notch on youj your yourgun yourgun gun " , Alonzo began to suspect that his hisattempt hisattempt hisattempt attempt to duplicate the banner Per Per- Performances Performances Performances - formances of Thomas Babmgton Babington BabmgtonMacaul'lY BabingtonMacauliy BabingtonMacaulay Macaul'lY MacaullY Macaul-iy Macaul iy - ' , , . Joseph Addison and Wal Wale Wal- Walter Waleter Walter - ter Pater had gone blooey and blahHe blahHe blah blahHe He had started out to qualify qual1fy for forthe forthe forthe the Intelligentsia and had landedback landed landedback landedback back in the Ash Heap HeapIt HeapIt HeapIt It became evident evidcnt that he " was "as as not nota nota a Rhetorician , , but a Rube So he hegave hegave hegave gave Notice that in 1D the Future he hewould hewould hewould would confine himself rumseI ! to Words of ofOne ofOne ofOne One Syllable . . "Make Make " them as as'ew asew ) Few pew ' as possible"said possiblesaid possIble , " said Mehitabel Mehtabel Mehltabel ] . , "unless unless " you ou want to tobreak tobreak tobreak break your plate and .md md . get the Air . . " MORAL There never was aHouse a aHouse aHouse House big enough tor for or h\ h two h0 \ 0 IlIgh- IlIgh High IlIghBrows High-Brows High Brows - . - Brows |