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Show FABLES IN SLANG @ D aelSyndlente aelSyndlenteBy IISyndeA ! ! : . By GEORGE ADE ADEWNU ADEwriu WNU wriu Kerrie Service . r 1 : - ' ' J . .r r . frpj r rY Y ' . , f// f ft / / . t tI I I , ty4i $ ? r t , , t & % ti it t ? ' , " /t t / ' 9I "I:11 I11 "I:11t t : : . ' . , I II , , II I IP t II I I , I 1 1tit tit tit tittt tt stlltr , , 111/ 111 111I / II I , t ( , n h . , I Illrttt , t tt tir t ir , 11B 11BI'Itl I'Itl IItl ' itl itl.t .t t . .tHe I He Was Rotten , and the Divot Went Almost as Far as the 8all Ball . I IBEING BEING A TRUE SPORTO SPORTNCI SPORT SPORTHNCE I SPORTI i NCI ; there was a 'i i , ' very ery sman small smalland smalland smanand O HNCE ONCD and succulent Urchin whodiscovered who whodISCO whodiscovered dISCO\ dISCO dISCOered discovered \ ered before he hadbeen had hadbeen hadbeen been on tho the Planet many Moons manyMoons , , that no Individual Indhldual Inditiidual attracts attractsfa attractsfavoiable attractsfavoiable favoiable fa VOl able Attention unless he lie e er erhabits exhiblts h1bits habits a certain Amount of or 'lllur lllur alhlr 'llluring ' illurIng alhlrtug ing tug Cussedness lie ITe He found out out , , , as asall asnil asall all nil kids of Normal Intelligence must mustfind mustfind mustfind find out out , . , that his Elders DIders laid downfor down downfor downfor for him a strict Set of n Rules uies w ' " whichthey hlcb hieti hlcbthey hietithey they took great Pleasure In busting bustingto to Srnlthareens Smlthnreens Smithareens SrnlthareensAs SmlthnreensAs SmithareensAs As soon as he lie could sit on a hardadult hard hardadult hardadult adult Kuee Knee he was warned that thatduring , , durmg during the Yeais Yems to come , lie Ile most must mostbe mastbe mustbe be Polite PoUte , Unselfish , Industrious Industriousand , , and Economical Dconomlcal A lot of or the Folkswho roll.s rolls rolks roll.swho rolkswho . who slipped sUpped him this rare Dope Dopewere Dopewere Dopewere were 111 III ill mannered and crabbed and and1'ly andla7y andli7y 1'ly 1ly la7y ' ? andasteful and ' \ wasteful \\asteful asteful , but what of at it itAmong ? Among Parents and Relatives the theBig theBig lg Big Idea to be worLed worl.ed worked . off oft on the theYoungsters theYoungsters theYoungsters Youngsters Is , ' * Do as I say and not notas notas notas as I do " : Many a C1oteEater Clo\ Clo Clove Cloe \ e Eater Dater told him thatwhen that thatwhen thatwhen when he grew up he be must shun shunLiquor shunLiquor shunLiquor Liquor The Poker Poher Players explaIned explainedto to him that Good Little Lllt1e Boys playedMarbles played playedMarbles playedMarbles Marbles for tor Fun run , , and not for Glas Glassles Glassles Glassles sles or Aggles Uncle Fred rred , , with withboth withboth ' \ Ith Ithboth both of his Vest Pockets Pocl.ets Poclets . stuffed full fullof fullof fullof of high grade Connecticut wr'1pped wr1pped wripped wr'1ppedrh wrippedrise wnppedFive ' rh rise e Centers and nnd smelling sme1llng like lIl.e lIle . a aSmol.e aSmoke aSmoke Smol.e Smole Smoke . House , would warn the httle little littleMan littleMm Man I'ln Iln ' tint th'1t th1t that ' he must never , never form formthe formthe formtho the Tob Tobicco tcco icco HabitNo IIabltNo Habit IIablt HabitNo No wonder that Griswold , , when whenhe ' \ whenhe ben ben11C 11C he was eight years 3 J ears of Age , . sit S'1t S1t sat ' do\\ do don down doone downone downone \ n one Day DaJ ' and figured tigured It out out , . , In to aSpirit a aSpirIt aSpirit SpirIt of utter Cynicism Cynlctsm , , , that LIfe LIfeW:1S Lifewas Lifewas W:1S W1S was : a Bunk Bunl . and Old Oid People were werewhitenasiied werewhitewashed hIteashed whitenasiied ' \ hIte\\ hIte ' \ ashed Sepulchres and conaentional con conventlonal entionnl aentional \ Virtue offered absolutelyno absolutely no Inducements to a Lad of ot Parts Partsand Partsand Partsand and ambitionEs nmblUonD ambition nmblUon ambitionEven D\ D Es Even Den \ en at that Early Darly Age he be feltstirring feIt felt feItsUrring feltstirring sUrring stirring within Himself lllmsel ! an outlawDesire outlaw outlast outlawDesIre outlastDesire DesIre to be a True Sport He toor took tooknote tooknote . note of the Fact ract tact that all of the Juvenue Ju JuvenUe Juvenlle venUe Paragonsho Paragons ' \ who \\ho ho were held up upas upas upas as : Models of Deportment to theOrnery the theOrnery theOrnery Ornery Youngsters ' were 'vere vere pale and andhad andhad andhad had sea shell DarsEARLY EarsEARLY Ears Dars EarsEARLY EARLY VICES OF A SEMI . , CRIMINAL CRIMINALOn On the other Hand , all a11 of the theHard theHard theHard Hard Eggs Dggs " who "ho ho could fight with withtheIr withtheir vvltLtheir theIr fists and went swimming Inthe In Inthe inthe the Crick before tlie the Ice was out outnnd outand ouland nnd and carried Nigger ShootersGriswold ShootersGriswold Shooters ShootersGriswold Griswold was groping toward amet a aract aFact ract met " which "hlch hlch has long puzzled puz7led and anddiscouraged anddiscouraged anddiscouraged discouraged a Rood good ood many Moralists110bbin MoralistsBobbin Moralists MoralistsRobbin Robbin 110bbin Bobbin Hood remains a glorifiedrigure glorifiedFigure glorified glorifiedrigure rigure but , who \ ho is 13 interested In John JohnBum'an JohnBunvan JohcBunvan Bum'an Buman Bunvan ' ? The trouble with straight laced lacedMorality lacedMorality 1\1 1 Morality \ 0 rallty , as practiced In a perfunc.tory perfunctory perfunc- perfunc perfune- perfune perfunctory perfunetory - . tory Manner in so many CommunI Communt CommunIties Communtties Communities ties , la Is that It holds out no gUtter- gUtter glitter- glitter gUtterIng glitterlog glitterIng - Ing log Inducements Grls\\ Grls Griswold Grlsold \ \ old , or 01 ' Griz , . " as he was addressed by hIs hIsColleagues hisColleagues hisColleagues Colleagues , knew lmew , , . even at the Age Ageof Agof Ageof ( of Eight BIght , . that he be never would be berespected berespected b brespected < respected as a coming Buffalo BUl Bill BUlor Billor Bllor or John L Sullivan SuIllvan merely becausebe because becausehe becaushe ( he be washed behind tho Ears ars ancsaved and andsaved andsaved saved up his bls Pennies for the tbe Heath- Heath Heathen Heathen Heathen - en It " was as understood among the theLnd'J theLade thLads ( Lnd'J LndJ Lade ' of his Gang that the Good GoodOnes GoodOnes OoocOnes Ones were going to escape burningIn burning burningIn In Hot Flames rIames names but , aside from trom that thatthey , they had no Prospects Prospeds ProspectsIt ProspedsIt It seemed to Griswold that It hewanted he hewanted h hwanted < wanted to be a cowboy or trivelwith tr'1vel tr1vel trivel tr'1velwith trivewith ' with a Circus CLrcus , he had better dem demonstrate demonstrate dcmonstrate onstrate an Immediate spirit of ofBr'tvado oBravado o f : Brivado Br'tvado Brtvado Bravado ' by learning to SmokeIf SmokeIf Smoke SmokeIt It If he finally could puff put ! at a Twofer Two Twofer Twofcr fer without getting dizyy dlz7Y . , It waibecause was wasbecause wasbecause because he sho showed shoe " ed the Optlmlcm Optimism Optlmlcmand Optlmlsnand Optimismand ; and dogged Determination that ar ardemanded are aredemanded andemanded e demanded of anyone who woul woullearn would wouldlcarn woullearn d ( lcarn learn to eat Oliv 011\ 011 Olh 011es \ es , play Bridge rhlge , reduce re- re reduce reduce - - duce the Weight , , , listen to an Opus Opusor Opusor Ojpu ; or read Hindoo Hlndoo Poetry Poetry.By PoetryBy . , By the time ho he do was in his Teen Teens Teenshe s ; he owne owned a Pipe and painfully file tried triedto triecto d to use the LInd hind kind of ot Langua Language e that thatwould thatwould tha thawould would have hl1\e hl1 e hate \ horrified his Sunday SundaySchool SundaySchool Sunda : School Teacher Teacber , and he had a n bemi beml semi pliylug playlug criminal Rccoid Recold Record on account of phy play I Ing lug Hookey , smashing Windows and andste1lIng andstealing andsteiling ste1lIng stealing WatermelonsTHE WatermelonsTHE Watermelons WatermelonsTHE THE SPORTING CODE OF OFHONOR OFHONOR OFHONOR OFHONORWhen HONOR HONORWhen When a 1l Boy who Is brought up In Ina ina Ina a ReQned Refined Home and surrounded byall by byall byall all of the Civilized Civillzed Influences , , shows showsa a wide Stieak Sheak Sti eak of Wickedness Wlcl.edness Wlcledness . , somePersons some somePersons somePersons Persons siy S'1y S1y say ' that he Is proving theDoctrine the theDoctrIne theDoctrine DoctrIne of ot Original Sin and others otherssay otherssay otherssay say that he be Is everting reverting i to the aboriginal ab aborIglna1 aboriginal orIglna1 original Type and the Neighborssay NeIghbors NeIghborssay Neighborssay say neglectedhis that his blS Parents have hae base ha\ ha \ e neglected neglectedhis neglectedhis his bringing upWhy upWhy up upWhy Why did Griswold , a little hter later literput , , put tryhis his Foot on the Rill n'll1 nll1 R1il ' and tr try trvhis his darnedest to Drink a Glass ofLager of ofLager ofLager Lager without making a Face race ? Be De- De Decause Be- Be Because Because - - cause he had learned that he had to toburst toburst toburst burst through the swinging swmgIng Doors Doorsand Doorsand Doorsand and pound on the Bar In order to toacquire toacquire toacquire acquire any real Standing as Oneof One Oneof Oneof of the Boys He didn't didnt ' have anymore any anymore anymore more Craving for Beer than had theother the theother theother other Thousands of dauntless He- He Heroes Heroes He-rocs He rocs - - - roes , who \ ho tried to consume It It Ittasted Ittasted Ittasted tasted like J1he Spoiled Spolled Rain Raln Water witha with a Pickle In it As for the Red Stuff , | the first Swig of that was like seallowing s\\ s sal seal swallowing ' \ al allowIng lowIng a Kerosene TorchD TorchEten Torch TorchEven D\ D Even Den Eten \ en after be he had acquired theStandard the theStandard theStandard Standard Vices , it became evidentto evident evidentto to Griz Grlz that he would not be regarded re regarded regarded garded 1l as ' ! a True Sport unless he hecould hecould hecould could hang bang up a Performance such suchas suchas suchas as one of ot the Following rollowtug rolIo " lng : 1 . Sit In the same Chair for 14 14Hours 14Hours 14Hours Hours playing Draw and then ap appear appear appear pear unconcerned after being nlcl nicked nickedfor nickedfor e for a Month's Months ' salary 2 Go to the Race Track and Us Usten usten 11sten ten to a tout and plaster all aU the theCurrency theCurrency theCurrency Currency on a Crippled Goat that thatcomes thatcomes thatcomes comes In Just before they arc are start start- starting starting starting - ing the next Race 3 Slip out at Night and attend 3 a . aWild aWild WIld Party at which great Sums of ofMoney ofMoney ofMoney Money are devoted to the Purchaseof Purchase Purchaseof of Partridge and nnd Champagne for forLadles forLadies forLadles Ladles Ladies connected with the Theatri TheatrI- TheatrIcal Theatrical Theatrical - cal Profession who \ were ere brought broughtup broughtup broughtup up on Soda Biscuits and Young Youngliyson YoungIIyson YoungHyson liyson IIyson Tea 4 Feed the Rent Money to a Rou Roulette Roulette Roulette lette Wheel Wbeel . . 6 5 Bet In a Loud Voice on everyElection every everyDlectlon everyElection Dlectlon Election Result . . 0 6 a Never , , . under any nny circum circumI circumstances circumstances circumstances I stances , express a willingness wllUngness wtllingness to ter terI termnate ternitrate terrnlnate mnate nitrate ! a Party and go HomeGIVING Home HomeGIVING I i WHIREi . GIVING CREDIT WHIRE WHERE WHEREIT'S WHEREIT'S WHEREITS WHIREIT'S : IT'S ITS ' DUEIt DUE DUEIt I It is 13 no easy matter for tor a lIf'ln lIfln M'in Min M'inwho Mmwho ' ' who ' \ ho is trying to get a Foothold roothold rootliold In Inthe inthe Inthe the Business World to perform aU all aUot allof allof ot of tho the blithering Idiocies Involved involvedin InvolvedIn In the foregoing Tasks Tashs . . The Point Is that when It comes comesto comesto comesto to being a real , sure enough hotSport hot hotSport hotSport Sport , the Rules of Common Sense Sensedo Sensedo Sensedo do not apply . , There are certainTraditions certain certainTradItIons certainTraditions TradItIons and Precedents which whichmust whichmust whichmust must be observed Ono One must . knowhow know knowhow knowbow how to part " with "itb itb a large Hunk at of atMoney ofMoney ofMoney , Money and never bat an Eye Dye . , It If ItI Itthe Ifthe Ifthe I the Money really real1y belongs to theCreditors the theCreditors theCreditors Creditors , , that makes no DHl'erence DHlerence Difference DHl'erenceUsually DifferenceUsually DifferenceUsually ' Usually It doesWell does doesWell doesWeIl I aI Well WeIl , , Griswold Lept hept kept on being aTrue a aTrue aTrue True Sport until he be nearly ruinedhis ruined ruinedhis ruinedhis his Health Healtb , , so 80 now he be Is Ia living Uving out outIn outIn outin In the Country and letting somebodyelse somebody somebodyelse somebodyelse else bay buy Diamond Sunbursts Sunbnrsts for tor the theWhes theWises thoWives Whes Wises of the DIstJUersSome DistillersSome Distillers DIstJUers DistillersSome Some People think he la Is a Hhs Htts Hks.Been HksBeen . Been , but he be got quite a Thrill ThrJ11 tbe the tbeother theother theother other Day when he tried to roako mal\G mal G make \ a a200 200 Yard Shot , , over Water , with wltb a aNlbUck aNiblick nNiblick NlbUck Niblick He lie was W3S Rotten and the theDivot theDivot theDivot Divot went almost as far tar aa as theBall the theB'lU theBill B'lU BlU Ball ' , but ho he was very much pleasedto pleased pleasedto to hear a Spectator say : "WeIl WeIl "Nell Nell "Well.you've Well.youve Wellyouve " . , you've youve ' ' got to pivo give Ive the Old mrtI Bird mrtIcredit Birdcredit credit for tor one Thln Thing He's Hes no's nos lie's lies ' got his hisNerve hisNerve Nerve with him He's Hes Hets ' a Sport . . " Which Is true Probably they will willput willput willput put It on the Head liead Stone that he hewas hewas hewas was a n Real One up to tho the Time Ulat that Ulathis tliathig his lits Stomach and Nerves and Pocket Pocket-Book Pocket Book - . , Book gave out outMORAL . . MORAL : Bettor Better ride In fn an Am Am- Ambulance Ambulance . - bulance than be known as a Piker . , |