Show I WHEN BRITAIN GOES BONE DRY I I By STEPHEN LEACOCK The great American humorist w who o oI I 1 gives ives a quaint forecast of life Ife InI inI In m mi i Britain under King Pussyfoot i i LONDON How How glad I am that II I I have lived to see this wonderful re reform reform reform re- re form of prohibition at last accomplished accomplished pushed in Britain There Is something some- some thing thins so difficult about the British so stolid so hard to move Ve We tried eer everything thing in the great campaign that we made and for everso ever even evenso so long it didn't seem to work worl We Ye I I had processions just as we did in America with great banners carried L I round bearing the inscription Do Dc DoI I You Save Sae the Bo Boy But those people looked on and I I said Boy Boy What hat boy Our worl workers ers were almost I ened Oh sir said one of them theman an ex-barkeeper ex from Oklahoma ma it 11 does seem so hard that we have total tota I prohibition in the States and in England England Eng Eng- land they can get all the drink they r want And the good fellow broke r down and sobbed But at last it has come After Arter the most terrific efforts we I managed to get England stampeded and for more than a month now it Ii t has been dry I wish you could have hav S witnessed the scenes Just like what t we saw at home in America when II It L was known that the bill had passed The members of the house of lords lords' all stood up on their seats seals and yelled Rah Rah Rah Who's bone dr dry We are And the brewers and innkeepers innkeepers inn- inn keepers were emptying their barrels 1 of beer Into the Thames Just as at St. St Louis they emptied the beer Into the Mississippi f I cant can't tell you rou with what pleasure I r watched a group of members of the Athenaeum club sitting on the bank of the Thames and opening bottles bot hot ties of champagne and pouring them Into the river To think said one of them to me that there was a time when I used to lap up a couple of quarts of this terrible stuff every evening I got them hem to ve g ve g me a few bottles as s a souvenir and I got some more souvenirs whisky and liquors when the members of the Beefsteak club were were emptying out their cellars ellars on to Green street t so when you ou come over I shall shan still be able to give you youa a drink We Ve have hav as I said been bone dry only a month and yet et already we weare weare are arc getting the same splendid results as in fn America All the big dinners are now as refined and as elevating and ana the inc dinner owner speeches as long long anti and and I and ana the inc dinner owner speeches as and long long anti and andas as informal as they are in New York or Toronto The other night at a dinner at the White Friars club I heard Sir Owen Seaman speaking not in that light futile way that he used to but quite differently I He lIe talked for an hour and a halt half on the state ownership of the Chi nese railway system and I 1 almost I fancied myself back In Boston And the working class too It Is Just wonderful how I prohibition has I Increased their efficiency In the old I days days the they us used d to drop their work the moment the hour struck Now I they simply refuse to I 1 noticed reI re- re reI I a foreman In charge of a a. building operation vainly tryIng to I call cali the bricklayers down Come Corns come gentlemen he shouted I must insist on your stopping for the t night But Ing they Just lust went on layIng layIng lay lay- bricks taster faster than ever r MINOR tINOR INOR ADVANTAGES Of cour course A there as yet et ar are a few v slight differences and deficiencies Just as there are with us in America We Ve have had the same trouble with wood alcohol the they call It m spirit here with the same deplorable results rt On some days the list of I deaths is Js very serI serious us and in some cases we wo are losing men that we can tl hardly spare i A great many of our leading actors t tin in in fact most of them them are are d dead ad I Ind And nd there has been heen a heavy loss I too among the literary class and in th the le legal al profession There was a very ery painful p scene recently at th the dinner of the Benchers Bench Bench- ers of ot Grays Gray's Inn It seEms teems that one I I of or the chief Justices had undertaken L to make a home brew for the Benchers Bench Bench- ers Just as do on our BenCh I side i of the water ITe got one of the the walters waiters to fetch him home hons and three raw ra pot potatoes toes a packet of ot yeast and some boiling water In Tn the end I four of or the thel Benchers were carried out dead But they are going to give sive r them a public p Uc funeral In the Abbey I I I xE re t at the death jisi I n. n tJi RoX ls very heavy I n i al are re gone gone- goneI t I J i. i i i. and it is very difficult to l keep ad 1 But I have tried to explain to the people hero here that these are merely the things that one must expect expect expect ex ex- ex- ex and that with a little patience they will have dry bone-dry admirals and dry bone-dry statesmen Just as good as the wet ones Even the clergy can be dried up with firmness and perse perse- verance I There was also a slight sensation here when the chancellor of or the exI exchequer ex- ex I chequer r brought In his first appropriation I atlon for maintaining prohibition I From our point of view yiew In America it was modest enough But these people are not used to it The chancellor chancellor chancellor chan chan- I merely asked for ten tea million pounds a month to begin on he explained that his task Is heavy he has to police pollee not only the II entire coast but the interior for the I Grampian hills of Scotland I alone he i asked a I There was a good deal of questioning ques ques- questioning I the figures in the hous hous' The chancellor was asked if he in intended ended to keep a spy at every street I corner orner in London He answered No only on every other street He lIe added also that every spy will wear a brass I collar with his number I must admit further and I r am 1 sorry to have to tell you this that now that England has prohibition it Is becoming increasingly difficult to I I get a drink In fact sometimes es es- es j in the very early morning i it t I most inconvenient and almost sible The public houses Leing being closed 1 I it Is necessary to go into a drug stor store e just just as it is with us and us-and and lean u up against the counter and make a gurgling sign like apoplexy Ond On One e often otten sees these apoplexy cases lineup line d up UI four deep I But the people are finding substitutes substitutes I Just as they do with us Ther There e j I i is a tremendous run on patent medicines medicines medi medi- I I cines perfume glue and nitric aci acid It has been found that Shears' Shears aoa soap contains alcohol and one sees people e everywhere eating cakes of It The Th te upper classes have taken to chewing chewin g tobacco very considerably and the Ui te use of opium in the house of lords lord Es has very greatly increased j I I But I dont don't want you to think thin c l that If you ou come over here to see se seme t me your private life will be In an any wa va impaired or curtailed I am glad gla d dh to say that I have plenty of nc rich h connections whose cellars are yen very amply stocked The Duke of Blanis Blank Blan Blankis is said to have hae cases of Scotch li whisky and I 1 I have managed to gi get geta t ta a card of introduction to his butler butle butleIn In fact you OU will find that just s as as with us in America the benefit of ot I prohibition is intended to fall taU on U the poorer classes There Is s no desire I to o interfere with the rich |