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Show VOICES OF THE STREET- - Did you ever meet the young man whose claim to being what is known as a "blood" rested upon his ability to hide from from sight an immense quantity quan-tity of tho beverage which usually comes in schooners? He is such an un-mitigatec un-mitigatec chump that compassion tills the heart of the sympathizing observer, when it is his misfortune to meet him, rather than contempt. His ability as a beer-guzzler is only equalled by his voluminous How of half-witted English. Ho looks upon it as a duty he owes mankind to impress the unfortunate "mixologist" that "he can't drink beer no more." "Why," he will add in a deprecatory manner and cocking cock-ing his eyes at the white-aproned saint behind the mahogony bar, "do you know I have only drunk fourteen glasses glass-es of beer today." And then an admiring admir-ing friend will season the guzzler's egotism with some such asinine flattery as, "oh, but tho day niu't half gone yet, aud besides you do' most of your drinking drink-ing at night, anyway." The barkoeper represses his sneer of disgust, but it is there just tho same. Wheal hear one of these guzzler's boasting that he can stow away, or does slow away, an enormous enor-mous quantity of the fluid which foams and bites in the glass, my reverence rever-ence for a kindly and dispen-sating dispen-sating providence increases to its highest notch. It simply demonstrates that when brains become scarce the supply of stomachs is increased, so that what the guzzler lacks in the former is richly compensated for in the latter. A three-weeks mother, who had, by the way, nevor occupied that important position before, and who does not live ovor 800,000 miles from tho southern portion of Salt Lake City, was watching the nurse "chuck the kid" (which is the masculine version of "tossing" the baby), when the fond mamma startled the nurso's stolid nature by suddenly ejaculating, "I wonder what baby thinks, anyway?" "I don't know, mum," replied tho nurse, who doubtless had never heard of the existence of either the governor of North Carolina or tho governor of South Carolina, "but I expect sho thinks that it is a longtime between drinks." The baby was "tossed" no more that day. Thero is always a young man, usually usual-ly with a drooping jaw and a sallow complexion, whose existence appears to hinge upon his ability to make his presence pres-ence upon the street manifest by whistling whist-ling into the ears of the pedestrian, and when ho is in a public hall he hums in a melancholy voice or drums his feet upon the floor. His whistle is seldom melodious, it is never musical and it is very nearly always out of time. His favorite is a popular refrain which admonishes ad-monishes a young gentleman of doubtful doubt-ful parentage, as none is none is given, to procure a gun of some discription and for some' indefinite purpose and causes a feeling of murder to riso up in tho breast of average man and make him want to do bodily violence to the whistliug nuisance. Sometime perhaps Johnny will get his gun and take revenge upon the whistler. it $ I have often wondered why a. build- iug didn't fall upou The dude who wears a sash Tho fool who smokes cigarettes The bore who still says "ah, there!" Tho idiot who mashes women and His sister who mashes men Tho man who stops in the postoffice doorway to read his mail The woman who reads a letter upon the street Tho boy who aspires to msuhood by carrying a cane Tho loud-mouthed hackdriver on the corner Tho artist whose claim lies in his extreme ex-treme feni'iiine appearance The hog which includes the larger fraction of humanity. Celbe Clare. |