Show THE HOTEL CLERK ON VACATIONS I BV BY IRVIN S COBB I Goin somewhere on your vaca vacation vacation vacation I tion asked the House Detective of ot the St Reckless I r believe its customary said the tho Hotel Clerk At this season it is Isgen gen generally expected that a couple been perfectly happy and satisfied all winter in a bullterrier fiat flat will feel It incumbent upon themselves to go oft off and spend all the money been able to save up since this time last year for tor two weeks of ot something not near as comfortable as what they get every everyday evor everyday day at home Where here do you think go asked the House Detective Well I dont know said the Hotel Clerk Its a matter that a careful man ought to give a lot of thought to If your system is all run down and every man working on a salary develops that kind of a system I no notice notice notice tice along about this time you ought to be very careful about picking out the place where you OU go to recuperate or be coming home a complete wreck It takes a strong and nd hardy nature to endure the rigors of the average vacation A business trip is isaU all aU very well but when youre em embarking embarking embarking barking on a pleasure exertion e as the poet says you should safeguard your health I They say the Thousand Thousand Islands is fine suggested the House De Detective Detective Yes res they do so said the Hotel Clerk But after utter youve closely ex examined examined examined three hundred and and a third of them all looking Just alike you begin to sort of lose Interest in the other six hundred and islands and of an ba island i Well said the House Detective I theres plenty of o other places you ou could go I Just thought maybe I could help you ou out Much obliged said the tho Hotel Clerk I But when you come right down to tho the I hemstitches Larry theres not such a wide range to choose from Ive tried em all from the classy resort having h I all the latest conveniences such as th the automatic stopcock roach and the tiie fold lohl foldIng folding Ing bedbug to the dear old farmhouse up in the mountains where the butter buttor runs during the early part of the sea season season season son on being stabbed with the moist warm blade ot of a kitchen but I Ic c later gets strength enough to turn and ands bite back Ive paid 80 cents for the summer hotel portion of mushrooms on OIl toast consisting of a scorched s slice of bread under a glass dome with a shirt shirtwaist shirtwaist shirtwaist waist set strewed carelessly over It only when I looked closer I saw they the were not moss agate studs but mush mushrooms mushrooms mushrooms rooms I have given up as much as two bones for tor the shore din dinner dinner ner composed of three burglarproof clams part of a sinewy fried eel and a afine afine afine fine tooth comb with a skin wrapped around It called a planked shad Ive gone to the seaside Uptake to take the morn mornIng mornIng morning Ing refreshing dip in the salt water and forgotten to take any of the dips because I Ii was busy pining for the mountain scenery Then Ive gone to tl the mountains but enjoy the scenery because I longed with a great passionate longing for the sound of the surf rolling up in n majestic splendor and splashing against the foundations of the bathing pavilion the tintype gal gallery gallery gallery lery and tho the moving picture show And Ive stopped at places where they charge chargo an invalid corkage on his hot water bottle Where it you went wen last year ear Inquired the House Detective I went to one of the face card plates places es said the Hotel Clerk Nothing l below a ten spot could get In By B bor bog borrowing I rowing several diamonds from friends of mine I managed to look enough like big casino to slip by What mode made you fall for a Joint like that G said the House Detective I became enamored of the picture I Ion on the back of or a circular they sent out explained the Hotel Clerk It Itt was a work of art It showed a regu regular II lar tar Howard H ward Chandler Christy boy sit sitting sitting I ting on the green sward dressed dress up in a necktie anda and a pair of I those duck du k pants like you see In a clothing ad playing a I mandolin for a lovely lithograph In a i ball room costume who was paddling a brand new canoe up a I creek an inch and a half wide In the background the silvery month mool was ris rising risIng rising ing over a noble verandah full of beauty and chivalry the same ame as the grand stand of a southern fair the day dav they have the country trot Underneath was a line saying rooms would be five live a day and up But when I got there then they t reY anything an left tL i ij the rest of It pan out accord In to the chromo said the House De Detective Well Veil not so as to cause any an grate grateful grateful ful guest to rush away and make mak make an anati affidavit ati davit said the Hotel Clerk Any young gentleman who sat oh on the green greensward greensward greensward sward in front of that hotel in a pair of duck pants parts play the man mandolin mandolin mandolin dolin with any degree of satisfaction Hed have hae to play playa a grind organ sos soshe soshe soshe he could have one hand to skirmish for the red ants That hotel may have been shy in some regards but she ex ox excelled excelled celled In ants Persistent little crea creatures creatures creatures tures they were play mystic maze in and out of a waist until they got dizzy and fell down tho the back of some passing neck I got goten enough en ugh red ants in the two ho weeks I was there to t last mo me through the fall and well into the winter How bout the gal with the canoe asked the House Detective they have her h r neither Oh yes indeed she was there said the Hotel eh Clerk But she sport many princess gowns not while I was around She was shaped like a model mo tenement and she wear any shoes and she had those large dark red feet and she lived down clown by the river ina in a tent with her husband who was a husky party with thumb nails like hike a couple of Brazil nuts and they had seven chil children dren dreu all the same age ase They sold sol the hotel its fresh fish The assemblage on the tho veranda was also a disappointment in some seine respects Larry Lar Most Most of or the tho time it was clogged up lip with stout ladies ladles that came down in inthe Inthe inthe the morning with so 50 many diamonds on that they looked like a bunch of crys crystal crystal crystal tal wedding celebrations When they l worked through the breakfast card as asfar asfar asfar far as the date line and union label at atthe atthe atthe the bottom th yd come out ou on the porch and sit In a row and be exclusive A lady with two stomachers and a tiara speak to a lady with only one dinky little stomacher and 1 no tiara at all and the poor forlorn lady lad who only had a pair of ot diamond ear earrings earrings earrings rings wb ld sit there alone with el hanging down on each side of her un unhappy unhappy unhappy happy countenance like quotation marks enclosing a harsh word and anti shed have to talk to herself It was has one Olle of at those establishments where everybody dressed for dinner and then tried to look like they were used to doing it every night at home Their attire was so correct it was pain painful painful painful ful An elderly gentleman would come todd ng downstairs in his dinner coat and his lingerie vest yest accompanied by b his lady wife all in white with three kinds of jewelry Hed be looking like one of those foolish birds they call a penguin and shed be a cross between a floating island and a memorial win winlow winlow low Jow But they keep from re reverting reverting reverting to form when they began to eat fat He needed a lap robe and a pair of overshoes when he tried to t invade a grape fruit and when she went to the consomme the general effect was some something something something thing like draining the bass tuba after a hard street parade But after dinner go out on the veranda and when the band playing pla heyd have a strictly private discussion in a loud clear tone of voice about whether buy another touring car right away or 01 try to struggle along a month or so with the four or five they had You know how It is Larry After awhile grandeur palls pails on you But Ive always been very proud of the fact that I once paid eight dollars a day for tor a room the size of a bureau drawer I 1 think it was the year before I went to the seashore But I cure care for forthe forthe forthe the waiter walter I had It was WIlS a warm sum summer summer summer mer and he was so 50 my m luck luC at a summer Bummer hotel I always catch a barber having a tooth treated and a waiter walter that suffers Buffers from tho extreme weather I seemed to no notice notice notice tice the open pores In my waiter the first day and aud after that I asked him to bring me mine in a covered dish He did and Jhen then it reminded me of rain on a tin roof So I think so much of him If I 1 went out on the beach b eh after atter dinner I butted into one of those party boys telling humor to tt Maggie Giggle and her cousin Mame Gurgle Or else a fiock of mosquitos the size of homing pigeons came carne out of the marsh and tried to undress me If I stuck to the porch I missed the child comedian but I always got wedged Into a corner corner by some stout old party who went to sleep with his ajar so he looked like dike a general delivery window in the face tace and n made with his like a sea lion coming up to breathe in Puget sound Well theres them country farm tarm farmhouses arm houses where they have home cookin and everything put In the House De Detective Detective Detective Ive taken that course at the sum summer summer summer mer normal likewise said the Hotel Clerk You lay awake in your snug little bedroom upstairs over ver the kitchen refereeing a smelling contest between a coal oil lamp a bouquet of wax flowers flow tow flowers towers ers in the parlor and the afterglow of the fried tried cabbage A pinching bug a little larger than a Philadelphia roast roasting roastIng roasting ing chicken l comes in n and tries to butt his brains out against the ceiling and cant make it and gets disgusted and falls in your eye and wants to settle there and make his home A dog that ate something for dinner that agree agre with him gets under your win window window window dow and refers to the matter And so you lay there thinking of the close stuffy city where the lights are all lit liton liton liton on Broadway and where the roof gar gardens gardens gardens dens are going and where the electric fans are buzzing and where everything must be miserable and then along about daylight when youre just drift drifting driftIng drifting ing off oft all alt the roosters In the county and the adjoining county begin to practice practice practice tice one oJ o 0 Victor Herberts pieces and you have a perfectly grand time Or else you walk three miles through the dust to a road house and crowd Into a box stall and drink meadow meadO lark booze You know the meadow lark brand the kind that makes you want to sit in the damp grass and sing to yourself And you order soft boiled eggs of a morning and when they come youre sorry you ou make It dropped eggs because the best thing you ou can do with that kind of an eK egg is to drop it hurriedly and step aside and leave it And you go out in the woods and tho the poison polson Ivy gets you Leastwise it always gets me Poison Polson ivy I will skip right on by fully twenty young teething babies all with a predisposition toward nettle rash in order to touch me up with red spots until I feel like a Studebaker wagon It does dots look like youre oure kind of limited lim limited limIted said the House Detective What dye reckon do doI dot dotI I think thin maybe Ill stay In town and have hare 9 j 1 tal x vacation on said the Clerk |