Show 1 JI i By SEWELL S E WE L L FORD FOR D T I Tuning U n fl In i n g up u p a Hero H e r o I Copyrighted hythe bythe by the Associated Sunday Magazines Incorporated Me Well I aint been around the studio much lately right never guess It but Ive been out to Primrose Park with the neigh f r bors bons And say theres less money and more excitement to that game than anything else Ive struck The way I got dragged into it vas waa W like this Just across the road from lay place is one of those swell big ranches that hog the shorefront all the way from Mott Matt Haven up to the jump Inot place From the outside all you youcan youcan youcan can see Is iron gates and stone wall walland walland walland and stretches of lawn Way Vay over behind the trees you can get u w squint at the chimney tops and you know that underneath is a little cot cottage tage tago about the size of the Grand Cen Central Central Central station the style you live In when youve hit the stock market right or in case youve got to be a top n teh grafter that the muckrakers am aint t dug up yet Id been what kind of folks hung out in there but Id never SPI n any of em out front only gar gardeners gardeners kiln time and coachmen ex ox exert ert the horses horse But one mornin I gets a private view that was worth v atchin i for forThe forThe forThe The first thing on the program was wasas an as old duffer dodgin in and out around the tho bushes and trees like he lie hewa was wa to lose somebody That got me rue curious right away and I begins to pIp him off He was togged out in white ducks du s like a window cr cc k in a Joint only he spurt sport any apron and his cap had hud gold braid on It His hair was white too Sand land and his under lip was decorated with ono one of them teasers Just a little bunch of cotton that the barber had shied He Ho was a old boy but his face had a K sort of a tint to It t that look healthy From his motions I make cut tut ut whether he was a game ot of or was bein chased by a dog The last thought seemed more moie likely so I strolls over to the stone wall and gets ready to hand out outa a swift kick to the in case it was needed When he sees me the old gent begins to dodge livelier than ever and make signals with his hands Well V ell I know his code I guess whether er he wanted me to run for a club or ory was to keep me from buttin In Inso Inso inI y I so I Just ju t stands there with my mouth open and looks foolish Next thing I sees Is a 10 l legged guy comin across the lawn on the jump First off oft I thought he was one of these chairs hairs like they use on tho board walk at Atlantic City Cit But Us ks he gets nearer I see It was a green wicker you know I aint got to the tea wag wagon wagon wagon on stage myself but Ive seen em out at Rockywold and them places Handy as a pocket picket in a shirt they are When youre OU got company campany In the afternoon the butler wheels the thing out on the veranda wranda and digs up a whole in ln outfit from tho the inside When Its shut It looks a good deal like ono one of them laundry push carts they have In Harlem Now NOT I aint in Jn love with tea at any anytime an antime anytime time of ot the day except for r and andI I sure would pass It up just after breakfast but I dont know as Id break my neck to get away from It sames the tho old gent was doln doin The minute he gets Jets a look at the wagon comin his way wa he does some lively Then he Jumps behind a abush abush abush bush and hides givin me the sign not notto notto notto to let on The guy knew kne his busi business business business ness though for tor ho he came straight on like he was on trail of a scent and the first thing old Whitey knows hes been run down So he ho gives In then Just Justas as if It hed been tagged Babbitt says he I had you hull down at one time I But either Babbitt was too much out of ot breath or else he the talka talkative talkative talkative tive kind for he never says a word but Just opens up the top of the cart and proceeds to haul out some bottles and a glass First he spoons out some white powder into a tumbler Then he pours in some water and stirs it with witha a spoon When the mess is done he sticks it out to the old gent The old one never lifts a finger though Salute first you scum L 1 of ot the earth he ho yells Salute sir Babbitt makes a stab at too and mighty sudden Now you ou imitation of ofa ofa ofa a man says the old gent cent you may mayhand mil mayhand hand band over that villainous stuff sturt Bah and he lie takes a sniff of ot it Babbitt keeps his eyes glued on him until the last drop was down then he jumped Lucky he was quick on the duck for the glass just whizzed over the top of his head While he was stow In the things away the old fellow tellow let loose Say Sa you talk about a cue cus cussin sin Ill bet you never heard a string like that It the kind But tho the way he put together straight dictionary words was enough to give you a chill It was the style he had of rippin em cm out too that made it sound like If there was any part guy that he pay his respects to from his oars to his toenails I notice It Its the last time you get any of that slush Into me Babbitt says sas he ha haDo Do you ou hear that you ou whelp the next dose Commo Commodore Commodore Commodore dore says he as he starts off offIt offIt offIt It is eh oh you walleyed deck swab howls the Commodore If you mix any more of that infant food for me Ill skin you alive and sew sow you up hind side before Do you hear that you ou 7 I was a broad grin when the theold theold theold old Commodore turns around to me If It that fellow keeps this up says he I shall lose my temper some day Ever drink medicated milk eh Ugh It tastes the way burnt feathers smell And Im dosed with It eight times a aday aday aday day Milk But what makes me mad madis is to have it t ladled out to me by that food destroyer whose only joy In life lire is to hunt me down and gloat over my misery Oh Ill get with him yet et sir I Isear swear sear I will willI I wish you luck says I IWho IWho Who Vho are you anyway says he Nobody Nob dy much says I so o theres two of us Im In the cottage across arross the way a aThe The deuce you say says sas he Then youre oure Shorty McCabe arent you Youre on says I Howd you guess It Well It seems one of my was wasa a partner of his who owned the big place pla f and been about me mB Just the day before After Attar that it take long for the Commo Commodore Commodore Commodore dore and me to get a line on each oth other othor er or erand and when I finds out hes Roaring Dick the when no vy old chap that stood out on the front porch of his ship all through the muss at Santiago Bay and ana hammered the daylights out of ot the Spanish fleet I gives him my hand Ive read about you In the papers says I But not so often as I used to read about you ou says he And say inside of ten minutes we was like a couple of G A R It vets at a reunion Hed been on the European station for tor three years ears knockin around with kings and princes and French and Russian naval officers that was grand dukes and such when they was ashore and hed carried along with him a thirst and the capacity of ofa ofa ofa a ward boss The fizzy stuff hed stowed away in that time must have been enough to sail a ship on I Iguess Iguess guess he mind it much though for hed been In pickle a long time It was the night dinners din adin din dinners ners nera and the foreign cooking that gave aV him the knockout All of ot a sudden his digester had thrown up the Job and before he knew it he was In a state where a hot bis biscuit biscuit or a piece of ot fried potato would lay him out on his back for a week Hed come home on sick leave to visit his daughter and his rich had hall steered him up against a special specialist 1st who told him that If he quit and obey orders he last three weeks The orders was to live on noth in but medicated milk and for a man that had been livin the way he had It was an awful Jolt He Hc be bl trusted to take the stuff himself so they hired valets to keep him doped d within I scared the first one half to death says the Commodore and the next one ono I bribed to smuggle out ham sand withes wi hes Then they got this fellow Bab Babbitt Babbitt Babbitt bitt to follow me mc around with that cursed and I had a moments peace since Hes Just about equal to a Job like that Babbitt is I make him earn his money though hive have h ve thought so 50 If you could have seen the old Commodore work up games to throw Babbitt off the track I put in most of the day em at it and it was as good as a vaudeville act About a quarter of an hour before it was vas time for the dose the valet would come out and begin to look around the grounds Soon as hed hell located the Commodore hed slide off oft after his tea wagon That was Just where the old boy got in his fine work The minute Babbitt was out of sight the Commo Commodore Commodore Commodore dore makes a break for a new place so the valet has to wheel that cart all over the lot bot behind every ovel bush and tree until he his man manNow manNow manNow Now think most anyone with witha a head would have cracked a Joke now and then with the old alII gent and kind kindor of or made It easy all around But not Babbitt Hed been hired to get medi medicated milk into the Commodore mid and that was all the idea his nut could ac accommodate accommodate accommodate at one time He was one of these flunk flunkies flunkIes flunkies ies that dont seem much more human than wooden Indians He had an ag way wa too of the old chap when he got him cornered He Ire was polite enough so o far as what he had to say sa but it was the mean look in his ratty little eyes that grated With every ever dose dOBa the Commodore got madder and madder Some of the names he thought up to pall call that valet alet was worth in a book It seemed like a shame though to stir up the old gent that way and I dont believe the tho medicine did him any more good He took it though because hed promised his daughter he lie would Course I had my own notions of that kind of treatment but I see that It was up to me to Jump In the coachers box and give off any advice Next mornin Id been out for a little I leg work and I was Just Into I Ithe the park again when I hears all kinds of a ruction goin on over behind the stone wall There was screams and yells ells and shouts like a riot in Double Alley I pokes up a gi giraffe giraffe giraffe raffe neck and sees a couple of women I I I b r pa paa f r a d yA L 4 i a au u sA a t A 4 so tL i is s t t I 4 V w 2 w 1 r f r cz re i ii i 13 w r 1 n Y YR R py Y 4 yrs y 4 c ft 4 f w si S Sw w sA sAy y 3 n ka kaY Y c dW 1 r b br i iW r W i i U z tau t A AIt It was the Commodore the thc tea wagon i across the lawn Pretty soon what they was was chasin chasm comes into view It was the Commodore He was push in the tea too wagon in front of him and andin an anIn andin in the top of that with Just his legs and arms out was Babbitt I knew what was up t in ln a minute Hed lost his temper just as he was afraid he would and bufore before hed got it back again hed grabbed the valet alid Jammed him head first into the thc green green 1 cart But where he h was goin with him was moren I could guess Anyway Any Anyway An Anway way It was somewhere that he was in ina Ina ina a hurry to get to for the old boy was wap rushin the outfit across the front yard for foral ajl he was worth I Oh stop him stop him screams scream one of the women that I figures out must be the daughter Stop Mm inn stop im yells the oth other other other er She he looked like one of the maids Im no backstop thinks I to tomy my myself myself self Besides this is a family affair Id have lave hated to have blocked that run too for It was doln doin me a lot of f good Just it and of the bumps Babbitt was gettin get tin with his head down among the bottles I follows along on the outside though and in a minute or so I sees what the Commodore was aim aimin In at Out to one side wasa sasa cute little fish fishpond fishpond fishpond pond about a hundred feet across and he was makin a bee line for that It was down in a sort of a hollow with nice smooth turf clear to the edge When the Commodore gets halfway down he gives the cart one last push and five seconds later Mr Ir Babbitt with his head still stuck In inthe he wagon souses Into the water like hed been dropped from a balloon The old boy bo stays Just long enough to see the splash and then he keeps right on goin towards New York At that I jumps the stone wall and prepares to do some quick divin but before I could fetch the pond Babbitt comes to the top blowin muddy water II out of his mouth and his arms around windmill fashion Then his hie I feet touches bottom and he finds he i aint in any danger of bein drowned The wagon comes up top too and the first thing he does is to grab grag that By the time I gets there he was wad In ashore and the women had made up their minds any use fainting Babbitt says the Commodores daughter explain your conduct in instantly Instantly instantly What were ere you doing stand standIng standIng standing Ing on your heat head hea In that tea wagon Please maam I II I forget splutters splutters splutters Babbitt the mud out of his the eyes You forget says sas the lady And say anyone that knew the old Com Commodore Commod Commodore mod Ore have to do any an guess In as to who her father was You forget do tIo you Well I want you to remember Out with it now Yes maam says Babbitt i to prop up collar Id Just give him his first dose for the day and Id dodged the glass when some thin catches me from behind throws me into the tea wagon and off oft I goes gOel But that dose counts dont it maam He got It down I I sees how It was then Babbitt had been gettin a commission for every glass of the medicated stuff stutt he pumped into the Commodore Will you ou please run after my father and tell him to come back says the lady to me Sorry says I but Im no antelope better telegraph him himI I stay to see any more I was that sore on the whole crowd but I hoped the old one would have sense enough nough to clear out for good I hear any an more moro from my neighbors all day but after supper that night just about dusk somebody sneaks in through the back door and up to the veranda where w ere I was 1 It was the old Commodore He H was about all in too Did did I drown him says he You made an elegant try says 1 but there water enough Thank goodness says sas he Now I can die the use says sas I 1 Aint there else left to do but that Ive got to says he I cant live on that cursed stuff been giving givIng giving ing me and if f I eat anything else Im done for The specialist said aId so Oh tv well ell says I r maybe hes made madea a wrong guess Its your turn now Suppose you come in and let me have Mother Whaley broil you a nice juicy hunk of steak steal Say Sa he was near starved I could tell that by the way he looked when I mentioned broiled steak He shook hit his head though If It I did Id I die before morning says sas he heIll heIll heIll Ill bet you a dollar you says S S I That almost gets a grin out of him Shorty he says sas Im going to risk it Its starving to death says I And he sure did eat like a hungry man When hed put away a good square m meal al a dish of sliced I raw onions and two cups of hot tea I plants him In an armchair and shoves out the cigar box He looks at the regretful kept those th Q locked away avav from me for two weeks says he an anti antl l that was waa worse than going without food Smoke up then eye ys I There one due you As It will probably be my last I Iguess Iguess Iguess guess I will ivill says he Honest the old gent was so IO sure he hp hed 1 croak before mornin that he lie wanted to tu write some farewell letters letten but he was wal R as too done up for that tha I tucked him Into bed opened the windows and be bt before before fore I could get out he was wood like a hired man He was still the fog tog horn when I |