Show NYE TAPS IllS BRAIN I j He Answers Some Questions from Anxious Inquirers I RIGHTS TO DEADHEAD TICKETS j j I I Fast Railroad Time and the Assassination of Hens Some Pointers on Dress Suits j I and Autograph Albums I FOR Tile SUNDAY HERALD By special arrangement with the author The following letters of inquiry are awaiting answers and hasten to squire myself with the correspondents by replying re-plying through tho customary channel in order that tho general public may thus share in tho benefits of a well stored mind and the patient research of a life tune tuneEeuben Reuben P Coon of Waushara Wis Writes as follows Will you tell me whether I ought to attack the tkstre Iit SHE RAISED THE HATCHET manager referred to personally or through the papers Six weeks ago a theatrQ manager told me that if I would notice his theatre each week I would be entitled to two tickets at his house I publish a small but pure and sprightly weekly paper here called The Waushara Tidings I spoke of the theatre pleasantly pleas-antly but for six weeks could not getaway get-away to Chicago to see the play as my boots was not yet completed Night before last I went in and took twelve people as I regarded myself as entitled to two tickets per week for their the-ir weeks Judge of my surprise when 1 was met gruffly at the box office by a man who sneeringly gave me two tickets only and told me to move on My friends thus had to pay 18 for tickets besides car fare as I had came away ill prepared to meet such an exigency feeling certain that I would be treated light when I got there Now should I attack him personally or give him a 1 cutting editorial in The Tidings Tell me as soon as yon can as I ought to attend at-tend to it right away before the matter blows over You should write him a scathing letter let-ter print a highly abusive editorial at the same time and then attack him with 1 brass knucks on ihs following evening It has been held by the supreme courts of Massachusetts and Nebraska that a J weekly or a daily notice of a theatre or railroad is cumulative and entitles the noticer to the aggregated increment of cumulative notices For example if a paragraph soothing to a railroad be good for a pass a repetition of the soothing sooth-ing paragraph would entitle the noticer to still another pass and so on Therefore There-fore if you had chosen to remain at home all the year and mention the theatre regularly and in a friendly way daily you would be entitled at the end of the year to what might be culled a Wau shara day at the theatre with souvenirs You could also have the house perfumed with crab apple blossom and soft voiced ushers would come and bathe your heated heat-ed temples Now knowing the law and your rights in the case nothing remains for you to do but to attack the manager and make him wish that he had reconsidered the matter before he had so rashly consented to be born P D Q Amherst 3Iass writes to know 1 what is the fastest railroad time made in America 2 Also whether it is proper for a wife in the absence of her husband to kill a hen for dinner and whether it does not coarsen one to do so 1 The fastest time made for one mile ro far as 1 know was oOf seconds Edward Osmond engineer The fastest ten miles was made on the Lake Shore and Michigan Michi-gan Southern by a locomotive conveying a fire engine to Sing Sing time 8 minutes min-utes It was done in February 1S74 The fastest time for 111 miles was made in 1881 time OS minutes It was on the Canada Southern and was the occasion occa-sion of the conveying of Mr W H Vanderbilt Van-derbilt whose flippant remarks and low estimate regarding the public were the cause of the deepest shame and sorrow on the part of the public 2 A woman may or may not kill a hen as she may deem proper Mr McAl lister says but she should not mutilate it through tenderness of heart 1 once knew of a beautiful society lady who lost her husband b y death He caught cold while sitting up at night in a neg lige shirt waiting for his wife to come home from one of the Patriarch balls in New York He died quite suddenly leaving his beautiful wife almost wholly unprovided for The life insurance company com-pany burst with a loud report as ho breathed his last and so alma was left alone in New York with no means whatever and as she sewed some new gamps into her rich decollete party dresses the ready tears rolled down her beautifully calcimined cheeks Driven at last by the pangs of hunger she decided to kill a hen of which she had seven in her own right on the death of her husband It was a sad sight to ECO her in her heavy long crepe veil 1 which was soon covered with burdock burrs chasing a demented hen athwart tho back lot No one could with dry eyes view the once proud and haughty society leader chasing this frightened fowl with a cistern pole through the tansy bed while the mischievous breeze caught up her drapery and flinging it far and wide gave fleeting visions of hand embroideruxj and lisle thread socks and pantalettes with costly nich ing around the edges Many who saw her turned away to I hide their swift falling and scalding tears At last she disabled the hen at idled id-led her to the block where an obtuse hatchet was ready to behead the po rand r-and somewhat senile fowl Twice she cnnf QnJlfiE Dink nalm and rtftti ma f j weapon only to give it up again Twice sho gathered her strength but the fowl appealed to her got powerfully that she turned away The third time she raised the halchetshe held in her right hand to take tho lifo of the hatchit she held in her left and closing her eyes with a faint groan she brought down the shining blade with all its force cutting off the beak of the poor hen just back of the front teeth 4 1 I With a shriek of agony the great society so-ciety leader went to her room and flung herself on the bed After taking a long draught TOni a beautifully lacquered tear jug holding about a gallon she became be-came calmer Tha hen was found years after half way up the rain water pips of a deserted chateau and was recognized by the absence of a bill and the amalgam amal-gam filling in ono of her wisdom teeth Ali Boba Cairo Illinois writes to ask how long it takes to properly digest i the food we most commonly eat That depends of course on what Ali most commonly cats Patti de foi gras requires three hours and fortyfive minutes min-utes Roast canvasback duck stuffed with olives and followed by a short crisp speech on the tariff requires over I four hours for digestion Roast beef re quires three hours soft boiled eggsL three hours Also hard boiled or fried on both sides or blind in both eyes 1 as Mr McAllister so naively puts it in his great work on society as he found Ii it suffering from exposure Fromage de brie requires three hours and thirty minutes baled hay one hour j I and twenty minutes custard pie three 1 hours potato top greens with pigs jowl II I a la Delmonico requires two hours and eighty minutes milk two hours and fifteen I fif-teen minutes homemade bread made i during the honeymoon three weeks angel food made from celestial recipe i i twentyfour hours chicken teme two hours chicken passe three hours chicken I i alumode two and threefourth hours i Lalla Rookh East Friendship Rhode i j Island asks 1 When is the proper time j i j to put on a full dress suit and what I should wife wear when I am dressed j in a full dress suit 2 What will a full I dress suit cost 3 Should one wear full dress on communion Sunday unless in I j good standing in the church 4 You I must mix up a good deal with the best I society in Hew York is there as much drinking there as we read about o Is there any way of removing a blrtlmiarlc or superfluous hair G Who wrath Beautiful Beau-tiful Snow 7 Where can 1 get Ella Wheeler Wilcox Poems of Passion 8 What is good for sleeplessness 9 1 What would bo a good verse for an I autograph album 1 The proper time to put on a dress i suit is dinner time according to the best usages though if we have a picked upI I dinner and in the middle of the day I often omit the full dress an come down in the same suit which I have worn in the forenoon while breaking steers or doing other light household work Dinner Din-ner dress contemplates however that tho dinner shall not be earlier than G oclock People who cut dinner promptly when the noon whistle blows rarely wear full evening dress at dinner for they would have to again shuck themselves them-selves before they could resume their plowing Nothing is in worse taste than the custom of plowing or husking corn in full dress If you have just purchased pur-chased a new dress suit yon will probably proba-bly wear it a little earlier in the day than you will after you have had it sometime some-time 1 Do not be too eager however to wear it for it is very poor taste indeed to wear full dress at dejunay or at massY mass-Y our wife should also wear full dress when you do unless she should prefer to remain out of sight The wifes full dress may consist of lace overdress with waist and skirt or skirt anyhO Some wear a corsage in placo of the waist and filled in with illusion though it is more common to scorn all efforts at illusion and be perfectly frank open and aboveboard above-board At first your wife will liesitate about appearing in full dress but by resorting re-sorting to stimulants she will overcome this natural reserve and converse with great freedom 2 A full dress suitwill cost you the price of a good cow at least say from Si5 to 100 though the former price will give you as good satisfaction if done by a good honest tailor as the latter In England you can get one of equally good quality for G and there will be enough extra cloth in the suit to makeyour little boy a ii ce overcoat j j overcoatIFj j j I Es I r 6 J r I Yo P t 1lj J j j 5i t i I 1 y j r 1 h Il v I t J I r2 IJifGtr I if oS 1t J fjl I nsJifit j At n 7 I fj r I Wi I lfJtV i J 7 1d9 i t 7 7 p V I j k A 1 i BREAKING A STEER IX A DRESS SUIT I 3 One should not wear a full dress suit or blow ones nose on a black silk handkerchief at the communion table It is vetre and visavis Even if you are in good standing yrn Rili look better bet-ter in a black frock coat with vest and trousers of some dark material The same rule will apply to immersion Never try to attract attention by being immersed in full dress A young Jndy acquaintance of mine obtained remission of her sins and while being immersed in a full dress Crapo de Sbeeney of elaborate elabo-rate workmanship caught cold in one of ler lungs after being all het up by waflr ng to the river being a little behind tune and now coughs like everything 4 No there is far less drinking in New York than generally reported so far as good society is concerned In our set which really has a great influence in molding the customs of Europe we rarely rare-ly drink to excess Now and then wo take a glass of beer with our victuals or drink a little bitters in the spring of the year but most of us can drink or we can let it alone We seldom let liquor get the best of us and some of us do not drink at all I think I use less and less of the vile demon every year I hate tout to-ut an enemy in my mouth that will not give ne the use of my own brains fpt more than mll ur or twoadayj < si < 5 i You may remove a birthmari by using a stump puller but you must use discretion with it or you will give yourself your-self needless pain The same is true of superfluous hair You can remove it J hut in duririiur un the roots blowing I I them out with dynamite great care must I be used not tp hurfc tho pores of the skin orfollicSs4i ri PiP1 T t I 04 very good verse to write in an album I think would be something like the following Go little booklet go Bearing each honored name I Till everyvrhere that you have went Theyre glad that you have came i e 2itn I |