Show I MODERN DERN FABLES The Among Keen Modern Got the RigHt Reformer Voters Fable Oit of By George Ade I NCE upon a time a Member of the Graduating Class Clase ad advanced advanced ONCE 0 his left Foot and talked for fifteen Minutes The College Man in Politics Some other Seniors in various fresh water Institutions had sprung the same estee scholarly arse including jog ing Gestures But this Young Man thought that he was breaking br pew new ne Ground He had discovered the Formu Formula la Ia for a Poultice that would draw all aU Wickedness out of or the Body Politic He Me had a large snowwhite Utopian Uto lan Scheme for tor turning the Rascals Out and filling all the Offices with pale haps I who wore Specs and talked grammatically gra To the Collegian seated among his 1118 Sofa Pillows and twanging the Banjo Jn in the Gloaming this whole Business of reforming the Universe is as at simple as tiC It A B C The first thing to do is to Educate the Masses After that Induce Bust Busi Business Bu i ifie ness less fie Men to attend att Primaries and take tas nn an interest in Ward Vard Politics Th Then rhen n fill all the Minor offices with learned Gentlemen of ot unimpeachable chable Charac Character ter and there you are The Graduate delivered a good hard Roast Boast on the respectable r Staat Home I He struck straight from the Shoulder at the th Prominent Citizen who is so fO busy with his lila Income that he refuses e eto to get out and give his Time and Money to the glorious Work of Municipal Re Reform Reform form torm When hen he returned Horn Hom he told his I r I I IThe The Young Reformer I Father all about his hit Plans for redeem redeeming lug ing the City and State I Forget For et it said his Parent Chuck it Take something for It ItI itI I 1 have haye fitted myself for a Career I said the Young Man I am are away up upon upon upon on Tariff Reform The Law Luw of Supply and Demand is simply Nuts for me I Ican Ican Ican can repeat the Constitution with my eyes shut and can quote John Stuart Mill by the Yard It Is a Shame to smother these giltedge Talents in a Manufacturing Business The University University sity city Man owes owen a certain Debt to Co Ce clety Ou u bet he does said the Old Gen Gentleman Gentleman Gentleman warmly And if he mind his Ps and Qs Society will throw him down and choke him and take it away from front him You dont seem to bank very much on Unselfish Patriotism said the Son You are the Type of Commercial Cynic ic that I walloped so hard in my Ora Oration Oration Oration tion Personally you blow a Safe or climb a Porch and yet you refuse to Buckle on the Armor and at attack attack attack tack the th Forces of Evil If It I you dont want to fight the Battle of the People at least you might stand on the Side SideLines SideLines I Lines and root for Honest Govern Government Government ment mont mentI montI I I r rooted for one or two Campaigns I replied the Father and when I wanted to get a Permit for tor a k to the Factory the Forces of Evil I looked up my Record and immediately gave gae me the Boots as it were Fortu Fortunately Fortunately Fortunately I was acquainted an Agent of Darkness named Fatty Dinkle Mr Head rises straight from his Collar I regret to say that he Is the Managing Editor of a Thirst Parlor with a Crap Game upstairs and a Dope D pe Laboratory In the Basement Mr Din Dinkle Dinkle kle squared me with the Gang Gan and I T got my Permit In a Spirit of Gratl Gratitude I tude I slipped him for his Cam Cain C n J i sP sPI i I I I l I J r rI I i ij j I II II I I I HI I Would Prefer the Sunday School I Superintendent Fund Since then we have hae been I Good Friends He sees that our Vested Interests do not get the Short End of I it at the City Han Hall Alt All that he asks in return Is a little Remembrance along about Election Time and then an X t opposite his Name on the Official Bal Ba Ballot Balot Ballot lot I would have preferred to get the Permit through the t th agency agen of our Sun day School Superintendent I regret to say however that he has no Drag so I had to get next to some one who could deliver the Goods Perhaps you with your our wide knowledge of Political Economy and the Principles of Coy Gov Government Go can tell me of some other Scheme that I might have used As yoU know kno I am a Pillar PUlar of the Church and I do not use Tobacco In any Form therefore it revolts me to be friendly with a but we had to have i the or shut up Shop To be sure we might have stood out We might have hae taken a Tip from the Col lege Oration and refused to compro compromise compromise compromise mise with the Practical Politicians If we ne had done so I have hae a large Oil on Painting of ot our Competitors chipping in freely Creely to protect us in our Rights Righta When the Masses are aie Educated such lIuch men as Fatty Dinkle will not sit alt in the Council Chamber said the Student St I IL I I L thought of that at the time said Ute time Old Gentleman and I decided that I we would have to wait walt Years to get that Permit via yla the Education of the Masses We were in a Hurry to get the Plant working and decided that we WI could not wait walt that long The average Hustler of today cannot Educate the Masses with one Hand and meet Bills with the Other But If It you ou want to get Into Politics and scour It up and de deodorize odorize It I can promise you ou a grand Opening I wilt will Introduce you to Fatty and he will take you ou out and show you Plenty that John Stuart Mill never neer mentioned in any of ot his Books The Graduate said he was keen to v Mr Dinkle Squared Mo Te With the Gang study the Problems at close range so he took a letter of Introduction to Old Dinkle The Boss of ot the Ward greeted him warmly to the Club he be said and I then he called up the House We are always glad giad to find a Money Guy who wants to get Into this Game With I that Front of yours you can ketch the ther r Swell Mugs and Ill line up the tha Hick Hickeys HIckeys I eys e s You tout me inc to the Willie Boys Bo s si i and Ill ru keep you strong In the Booze BOOM Joints Well rib up a lead pipe Com Coin Combination Combination and play pIa both Ends against the Middle Your Father can work vork the Church Vote and furnish the Coin As I understand it you wan want to g pt get t tinto into the Legislature Le slature Ill keep you In Inthe the th Legislature Young FelloW as long longas as your Precinct goes for me Now put your our Jewelry in the Safe and hide your Money In your Shoe and Ill take you out to meet the People that can do you some Good But before we start I want to give you one friendly Steer StoOl have to provo prove right at the Start that youre against all an this Civil Ser Service Service Service vice Reform and Mid business or both of oC us will get Murdered the first Place we wego wego wego go into Your Motto from this Minute is No Gas No Water No Police Pollee And If It you want to get in right make it Strong That Fall Fan the brilliant Son of oC the tRe Manufacturer was elected to t the Legislature by a Spontaneous Uprising of the Common People Peo MORAL MOR LIt It requires a PostGraduate ate Course to round out a Mans Train TrainIng log ins Copyright 1901 Bol by Robert Howard Rus Bus Russell Russell BusselL sell |