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Show Monday Opinions September 29, 2008 Gdd save the Executive Branch lalienating the political Left Sfrom the populace. Nixon Opinions writer later accidentally disgraced the office of president; ergo We live in a society peoJordy Kirkman/ UVU Review everything Nixon did must ple. Take bodily function have also been a disgrace. management for example. What uproariously foul Though it usually goes withdishonesty. It was no more out saying, every once in a while some dastardly mis- wrong when Nixon did what creant comes ambling along, the liberal media termed soiling the world around "illegally" expanding the them with reckless impuni- powers of the president than ty. And in those instances it when Bush did it. Nixon is up to the good, the decent, demonstrated an profound the exemplary, the veritable understanding of the vision moral rocks of Gibraltar, as of the founders when he it were, to give society the said, "if the president does There are so many chisHeather Jones sort of stern reminder about it, it can't be illegal. I mean, eled abs and gleaming teeth Opinions writer what the core components checks and balances and due in this race, no one even of the social contract are. process are simply courteI have a crush on Todd cares about John McCain See, somewhere near the top sies that we, the majority, or that other old white guy Palin. of the list there is a rule that afford marginalized minoriI know, I've never met - what's his name? Right, says it's just not socially ac- ties to prove our benevothe man, or even heard him Joe Biden. The two candiceptable to defecate in plac- lence. That's what the disafspeak or read more than a dates who have the most es where others have to live. fected are for: opportunities few trite quotes that escaped experience and knowledge With 2008 being an election for charity. The article went his lips. But he still makes are sitting around soaking year, never has there been a on to state that today's issues their dentures while America me smile. more pertinent maxim for a are "too grave" to be filibusHere is a man of the prepares for election day the truly decent and moral soci- tered by a squabble about house, soccer dad, and tough same way we get geared up culture . . . wah, wah, what? ety to live by. as nails Iron Dog champion for the Academy Awards ~ a For instance, a recent Well we're going to need a who races and wins ~ even red carpet gamut. Why else satirical piece published in square-nosed shovel here, with broken limbs. He's got would the media constantly the British tabloid rag The also a baggie and a rolledjust enough Eskimo in his compare Obama, who's runEconomist titled "Richard up newspaper, because The blood to give him a perma- ning for president, with PaMilhouse McCain," uses a Economist just .left some nent tan and a lovely smile. lin, who's vying for VP? It's bit of poorly-crafted, conde- bulls— in our public sphere. because we prefer to see the scending, tongue-in-cheek Unacceptable! Yeah, he's yummy. humor to insinuate that RichAnd why does this mat- beautiful people. I got so upset after readard Nixon's introduction of ter? It doesn't. It makes no ing this treacherous bit of The scary part is that most what it calls "the politics of smut I had to take a cold difference whatsoever in the Americans don't even realize cultural resentment," into shower. As I hunkered uncourse of this election. Or they have a bias for babes. the presidential campaign der the cascading streams of does it? We refuse to admit it. We are was somehow a disservice water, blindfolded, with one America loves attractive intelligent, educated citizens to the American political arm covering my nipples, people. Research has shown who research the issues and process. The basic rationale wearing rubber gloves, using that we automatically assign vote for the best candidate, of The Economist stated that my padded tongs to scrub to good-looking individuals no matter how blue their during the 1972 presidential my, you know, down there such favorable traits as tal- eyes are. Sure. If you say so. campaign, Nixon cornered parts, the answer sprang ent, kindness, honesty, and Voters can deny the effect of the market on populism forth: Sarah Palin. She's a intelligence. It's been a long attractiveness on electability a tactic used with roughly woman, right? Women are time since we had an attrac- all they want, but evidence equal frequency by both considered a minority. And tive man in the White House. continues to confirm its disparties and to roughly the if, as a woman, she doesn't (Have we evex2 Bill Clinton turbing presence. Our politisame measure of success voice any discontent with you say? Um, no.) And now cians have become celebriin decades prior — to gain Nixonian tactics like balwe have- Obama, who gets ties. And as Kim Kardashian political leverage with av- lot initiatives proposed by more press foFslooking good proves, the only qualifier for erage Americans, thereby home-schooled Baptist on a surfboard' than he does that title is . . . what does for his political positions. Kim Kardashian do? I don't We have the sexy librarian, know, but she's beautiful, so along with her "first dude" people like her. Todd, who is single-handedIs it possible America ly invigorating snowmobile thinks, even subconsciously, sales everywhere. The Pahaving a beautiful leader will lins have adorable children actually make America a with trendy names ~ one more beautiful place? No one of the surest ways to attract would be ludicrous enough admirers in America. And to suggest a dazzling smile let's not leave out Cindy, equals political proficiency? who can hold her own at a ladies' lunch, has good taste, Of course not. But we will and lots of money. She's the all be more willing to watch closest thing to Jackie Ken- the State of the Union adnedy we have as far as fash- dress from now on, no matter which candidate wins. ion is concerned. LaVerl Christianson "First Dude" easy on the eyes I'm not talking about torches and pitchforks here. That would be too kooky. But there will be shovels involved, as well as plastic baggies. As for the rubber gloves and the tongs, just leave that part to me. women in Colorado — that declare a fertilized egg to be a human life, rendering all forms of abortion and some forms of contraception to be the same as murder — intended to rally fundamentalist conservatives to the polls, then that justifies it. Who are we to question the next vice president of the United States of America? McCain made a wise choice in selecting her as a running mate. The only possible better choice would have been a reanimated Spiro Agnew— Nixon's first VP—dressed in one of J. Edgar Hoover's dresses, to simply pose as an example of unquestioning compliance not just to women but also gays, minorities and immigrants alike. That way Palin could have stayed home where she belongs. Why don * t people realize that just because a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without the notice of our Creator, that doesn't mean that our empire can rise without making his aid a legislated directive? Why don't people realize that free speech only works when marginalized minority groups keep their mouths shut? And, likewise, that freedom of the press only applies to publications that tacitly agree to reaffirm the world-view of the majority? Consider yourself warned. The Economist. At the end of the day the McCain/Palin campaign should be flattered by their comparison to Nixon/Agnew. It's The Economist that should be ashamed of their attempts to discredit the well-established stratagems of the Right. This aggression will not stand. The dookie left by the "openminded" European liberals at THE ECONOMIST must be disposed of. the culprit rebuked, censured and emasculated. We must all, as the majority, share in the collective burden. I'm not talking about torches and pitchforks here. That would be too kooky. But there will be shovels involved, as well as plastic baggies. As for the rubber gloves and the tongs, just leave that part to me. Jordy Kirkman/UVU Review Easy 9 Staff 8 T7 1 5 2 7 9 have a famous blog, what would it be about? 1 5 6 9 2 7 1 It would be about how the term "famous blog" has subsequently become an oxymoron, seeing as how even the most famous of blogs would still be drowning in an ocean of paragraphs and cleverly constructed sen-Robbin Anthony, Office managertences about someone's pet and what it did the other day that was just so cute they had to Me! If I could have a famous blog, it would write about it. be about fashion. Because then maybe deigners would send me things for free. -Jordy Kirkman, Multimedia editor log izen peace1 pla t to be so. 3 3 7 6 8 5 4 2 5 8 4 6 6 9 -Mel Sundquist, Life editor Hard 9 7 4 5 9 1 2 3 3 3 4 7 7 7 9 -Jennie Nicholls, Editor at large I I . i 8 0 e i i. a ' a i: i 2 1 I already have a famous blog. it's about pocket dancing. Holla! It would be a blog devoted to world travel with neato clips of my interaction in other cul-Ethan Dodge, writer tures. Too bad I haven't been out of the U.S. Yet. Your mom. Or your dad. Maybe your grandpa. -Amie Wells, Asst. News editor 5 1 6 About how amazing the world of music :an be, while at the same time be so weird. Like Family Force 5 on Gotee Records, or Iodine with dW Records. What is the world coming to? 6 e i 8 4 8 9 6 3 bout how we - as making this a more ible if we all intend c f ! ' I 5 ' r ', 9 6 1 1 B C Z ej 9 I • 8j6 e; z t G C O i i r 2 ; e • a L i r C 9^S t\e L B S D Bill 4 i » ,. i e 1 S > 6 8 L 9 C ' 1 i »' e v e t C 9 Z a • I C B Z 1 6 G i; c 8 • C i B I -GregWilcox, Web editor I would have a blog where cheating p<© ticians, lying priests, bishops and all the fake It would be about trucker hats. How to prophets could confess, a n c Q t a ^ m y blog wear them, where to wear them, why to wear would send them a u t @ i a t e 4 B H B r e r them and the reasoning for the mosquito ing them how they are unrrejwssa^ si mesh in the back. And why they make Andy and dregs of society. Someoner^tto rel Kerlin so hot right now. them. -David Fullmer, writer |