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Show IMONDAY, APRIL 9 ; 2001 PAGE 11 UNIVERSITY JOURNAL OPINION BEST BRANDS • BEST PRICES DAVE BARRY Traveling TOGS COMMENTARY Clothing & Accessories Pay all your bills to me Several months ago, ·out of the blue, a company named "Cingular" started sending'R'le bills. I had never heard of Cingular, and I honestly did not know what these bills were for, so I put them in the pile where I keep documents that I intend to scrutinize more carefully later on, after mydea~. · Then I started seeing lV commercials for CingLilar, but of course they did not make it clear what Cingular is, because the First Rule of Modem Advertising is: "Never reveal what you are advertising ." In ~e Cingular commercials - maybe you've seen them - these little characters, which look like mutant starfish from space, walk around and make gestures. • Eventually, I found out that Cingular is the new name of,my cellular telephone company. It used to be named BellSouth Mobility. Before THAT, I think it was just BellSouth, and before THAT, it was Southern Bell, and before that, I'm sure 1t was several other things. If you go far enough back, you'd probably find out that at one time , the name ·actually included the words "telephone company ," so you could tell , from the name, what it did, which today would be a serious violation of business ethics. So I paid my Cingular bills, because I need my cellular phone to communicate vital information ("Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? I can't hear you . Heflo?") . I apparently have a special cellular plan wherein all my calls are routed through a Burger King drive-thru intercom in Bolivia. · This brings me to my idea for how you can make big money. You start by inventing a new, modern-sounding company name, such as "Paradil" or "Gerbadigm ," which are .coined words that connote a combination of "paradigm " arid "gerbil." Then you print official-looking invoice forms for this company , and you send out a mass-mailing of bills for, let's say, $20 .38 a piece, to several million randomly selected people . YotJ enclose an announcement with a perky corporate marketing statement that is clearly a lie. and thus appears totally realistic, such as: "We've changed our name to serve you better!" Granted, some consumers would throw the bill away. But a LOT of them would pay it. because they're used to companies suddenly mutating on them . Yo1,J'd get rich! The only flaw in this plan is that the postal authorities might question its legality. If they give you any trouble, refer them to me, OK? My name is now Enron P. Citigroup. Dave Barry is a nationallv-svndicated columnist. Online Workshops! Kaplan's onfine workshops are fast and focused. They're the perfect-and at s29 each-the most affordable, high-quality review you will ind! Hone your skills in: Basic Math , Advanced M ath, Arguments , . 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