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Show WALLOWING IN ELEGANCE. Two mountaineers Who Try Hotel Life for a Time. - ' Old Jerry Crosscut had riot been east of the Rockies since .'49 until he and his old pard, Fat Bill, pulled up at the Hotel Ryan the other day. As he glanced up at the magnificent facade he remembered what he had read about the great caravansary cara-vansary in the remote mountain camp, and he involuntary murmured: "It air an imposing pile, William. It's built in what, them newspaper fellers call the Quinine style, and just beats all for health." "Do you wish to be shown to your apartment apart-ment row?" said the urbane clerk, as they registered. "Nary show," said the old man, reflectively. reflect-ively. "I think I understand you," said the clerk, smiling. , "We will try and make you comfortable, Mr. M (glancing at the register) Mr. Crosscut. "Yes, it air Crosscut the same. You can read writin'-very slick, but 'comfortable' 'comfort-able' won't do. We air goin' to wallow in elegance like it is ' advertised in the papers. Do you catch my drift?" "I think I understand you. You wish to live high. I'll put you on the Bixth floor if you wish." "Now you are talkin'. There is noth-in' noth-in' too high for. us,, and nothin' too rich for our blood. We follow the rules. VVe deposit our valuables in the safe, and you must follow the small bills. Here is my pocketbook ; you can prize that at $10,000. . No, we don't want to leave our suspenders. - We ain't tenderfeet. Our suspenders is alongside our swaddling clothes. Here, take this small gun (unstrapping (un-strapping a revolver). Put 'leving thousand thous-and on it ; I wouldn't sell it a cent less." "You don't expect us to pay such prices for this junk-shop truck, do you? You couldn't collect $10 in the courts on all of it." "Never mind the coorts. I'll collect it if the things is lost. I'll keep this gun with me. Now, my young friend, you can bring on your sable. African nigger." "Jim, show these 'gentlemen to No. 411." "Yes, show us to No. 411, and don't miss a figger. You hit it just right or thar will be a war." "You mustn't mind Jerry," said Fat Bill to the clerk. -'He's been a sort o' suspicious-like, and keeps his back to the wall ever since he killed Shady Mountain Moun-tain Mosley ; but he will get used to the place after a while." "I I don't mind it," said the clerk nervously ; "he seems to be a very nice man, but a little peculiar." "Yes, he are bloody peculiar bloody peculiar." "Hit's a cage that's what," remarked the old man, as the elevator started. "They are going to hist us to the upper level. Keep your signal ropes tight young feller." Lord! Many'sthe time we had to crawl into the timber when the ropes hez been tangled. We hev traveled we hev eh, Billy?" "Now, African," said Jerry, as he proceeded pro-ceeded to undress; after reaching 411, "you stand in that corner, and when I give the signal you smother them lamps." "I kin put out the gas," suggested Fat Bill. "The nigger can go and send up a bokay of sweet violets to remember hisself by." "You can't put out no gas for me, William. Wil-liam. There is more'n a million people smothered every year by knowing too much about tavern gas. There is a knack about it which we ain't on to. Now, Sable, kill the lights, and mind that no fire starts in this joint to-night. We hold you strictly responsible. I'll cut your liver-colored heart out through the small of your spotted back if I hear a whimper before mornin' louder than the moanin' of the wind. Do you sense me ?' ' "Lord, boss ! Does you suppose I'se going go-ing to burn the hotel up a purpose?" - "You mav be all right, but I suspicion ye." In the morning the old man awoke, and he saw the annunciator with the usual legend le-gend written under it : 1 Ring for Bell Boy. 2 Rings for Ice Water. 3 Rings for Porter. v "Bill," said he, "do you see them remarks re-marks on the wall : 'Two rings for ice water, three rings for porter?' How many rings will it take, I wonder, to bring red likker? Touch her off on porter por-ter for a starter." Fat Bill reached out of his bed and complied with the request, when the porter por-ter came. "Well, boss?" "I knowed they wouldn't follow the small bills. Jest see that snuff-colored cannibal, William, where is the Oriental cuspidor filled with porter? Where is the solid gold plate, with incense and cigars on it? African, you go down the shaft again, and you tell the superintendent to put his ear to our telephone, and mind the small bills." The clerk went up shortly afterward and found the old man plugging the annunciator an-nunciator with his revolver at six paces. "See him, William see the liver-colored pointer ! " Where is your alabaster jug of precious ointment? Where is the Egyptian snake plate, filled with sea biscuit? bis-cuit? You call this living high? Blank me if I don't plug every telephone in this house'" But he didn't, as the police took him awav murmuring that if he had another gun'he wouldn't be "took alive." St. Paul Northwest Magazine. |