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Show Li k fr- - -Efr. rMM'i While Mr. Winchell Is on vacation, his column will be conducted by guest columnists. CAN YOU TOP THESE? By HARRY HERSHFIELD Htidio humorist and member of the "Can Yuu lop This?" trio. "SENATOR" ED FORD concocted a radio idea that has sent morale to a new high. Assisting him are Joe Laurie Jr., and Yours Truly. Public sends in gags it thinks will stump these supposed humor experts. ex-perts. The contributions are read by able Peter Donald. Laugh reaction reac-tion is registered on decible system meter experts, unrehearsed, must top the meter score, with a gag on same subject. 130 is highest possible pos-sible score. TOPPERS: Clancey died and his wife decided to have him cremated, instead of regular burial. At crematory, attendant at-tendant tried to sell her an urn for his ashes. "Nothing doing," she cried, "the little loafer never worked a day in his life I'm going to put his ashes in an hour glass and he'll be doing something from now on!" A husband walked into the radio studio of John J. Anthony of the "Good Will Hour." He stated his case: "Mr. Anthony, I'm a very rich man. I am married to the most beautiful woman. We have yachts, polo ponies and mansions. We have five children and we're all in perfect health what I want to know, Mr. Anthony, is this what's my problem?" prob-lem?" A citizen was describing a political politi-cal dinner he had attended: "Soon as I got into my place, my watch was stolen. I went to the manager of the affair and complained. He told me to sit tight and all would be O. K. In ten minutes he returned re-turned with my watch. 'What did the crook say?' I asked. 'Sh-h-h he doesn't know I got it!' came the clincher." Cassidy was walking through the streets of London, paying little attention at-tention to the war. Fifteen minutes later he was running down the Strand, waving a door knob in his hand and yelling: "Let me get at Hitler's aviators let me get at his bums." "What happened?" asked a bobby. "They just blew a saloon right out of me hand!" cried the furious Cassidy. A panhandler accosted a citizen on Broadway: "Will you give me a dime for a cup of coffee, buddy?" "Listen, you," growled the grouch, "I don't give money to people on the street!" "What should I do open up an office?" retorted the toucher. Hitler ordered a captured general to be brought to Berchesgarten "I wish to humiliate him!" Arriving, the prisoner was told by Adolf: "I will show you that the Nazi mind is superior to your Russian intellect. We will now hold a quiz program. And we'll make bets!" "I can't compete com-pete with you financially, Herr Hitler," Hit-ler," said the visitor. "That's where the humiliation comes in," gleefully cried Adolf. "To every question I can't answer, I'll give you fifty dollars. dol-lars. To every one you can't answer, an-swer, you give me twenty-five dollars dol-lars go ahead, ask the first question!" ques-tion!" The Russian asked this one: "What goes up in the sky with 20 legs, makes ten somersaults, whistles whis-tles four times and then comes down with only one leg?" Adolf thought a minute and cried: "I don't know here's the fifty dollars!" "I don't know, either here's twenty-five dollars dol-lars back!" answered the Russ general. gen-eral. w Into the patent office rushed an inventor: "I want to patent this new cigarette lighter!" The clerk smiled: "Why bring another cigarette lighterwhy light-erwhy there are already thousands on the market." "But this one is different," insisted the inventor. "With this cigarette lighter, you push a button and an arrow comes out and points to a man with a match!" A supposed moron was brought to a medico for examination. The doc asked this question: "If I cut off your left ear, what would happen hap-pen to you?" "I wouldn't be able to hear." "Fine now, if I then cut off your right ear, what would happen hap-pen to you?" "Then I wouldn't be able to see." The physician was now puzzled and he asked: "If I cut off both your ears, why wouldn't you be able to see?" "Because then my hat would fall over my eyes." To help morale, a store advertised adver-tised that it would give away a pack of cigarettes free between the hours of 7 a. m. and 8 a. m. Long line , formed. Rushing toward the head of the queue, Maxie Goldberg was hurled back by a big bruiser in front: "Get in line with the rest of us!" Maxie tried it a second time and again was pushed back. The third time he tried it the bruiser knocked Mnxie down. Up rushed a cop: "Did he smash you?" "Yes." moaned Maxie. "and if he does it again I won't open the store!" |