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Show ' ONE HE DIDN'T C0RT- ma1n'naDdidate fo'congre'"3'1 been 1 mak,ng ; a Bpeech 6(ne t0wns Pf bi8 district where he ,'a not wel1 Known personally, and lrhe evening hile waiting for a t J, he strayed ' a butcher's shop nd, without fh g Who he was 'ban t0 PumD me butcher to find duthow he stood. tJid yOU hsr thiQ aft. ernoon?" he Inquired '-fter some gen-I gen-I erai talk. n, Yes'" rePtted the butcher, "I was l tnere. ,','What did you think of It?" -t-snaw!" said the honest butcher, a Ze fflada a betier speech than that apr,rUandred UmM trying to sell 15 The rjl soaP ones-ytvfandidate ones-ytvfandidate concealed his Iden- Resenting an Indignity. "Josiah, what was all-that racket in the front hall about?" "I was kickin' an agent out; that's all." "What for?" "Insultin' of me." "How?" "Mandy, you know, an' everybody knows, that .my- motto has always been 'No north, no south, no east, an' no west,' an' that chap knowed it as well as anybody; so why should he" "Yes, yes, Josiah, but how did he Insult you?" "He wanted to know If he couldn't sell me a sectional bookcase!" ENVY. ; Tommy My brother Will has got scarlet fever. Visitor You have my sympathy. I suppose you're sorry for him. Tommy Sorry for him nothing! Why, he won't be able to go to school for two months. Market Glutted. Talk is rather cheap: and why? Because, you understand, There's nearly always a supply Exceeding the demand. Man With the Motor. "Women do not especially admire handsome men." "That is true," replied Miss Cayenne. Cay-enne. "As I sat on the piazza I saw a number of good-looking, well-dressed youths cut out by a man whom automobile goggles rendered entirely unprepossessing." Coming Out. "New gown, eh?" "Yes, I got this to wear at Mabel's coming out party; what do you think of it?" "Mabel's coming out party?" "Yes." "I think if Mabel comes out any farther than you come out of that gown someone will telephone for the police." The Birthday Present. Big Tim Sullivan was being congratulated con-gratulated by a New York reporter on the superb charity of this annual dinner din-ner to 7,000 Bowery men. "Well." said Mr. Sullivan, modestly, modest-ly, "I confess it's at least a charity that pleases its recipients. It's not like the young woman's birthday present pres-ent to her beau. "A young woman, having landed a young man at last, thought she'd give him a birthday present. . So she went into a cigar store and said: " 'Give me five cents' worth of your very best cigars, please.' " High Finance. "What do you charge for a glass of milk?" "Ten pfennigs." "Can I go with you into the shed and have it straight from the cow?" "Yes, but that will be 16 pfennigs." Quite the Reverse. Mrs. Goodsole How did you happen hap-pen to go to the dogs? Everett Wrest 1 didn't lady? De flogs always come to me If I'm not careful. Truly Distressing. "Charley Sappington is bewailing iis hard luck." "What's the matter now?" "He spent months learning how to become an expert turkey trotter and lust about the time he became proficient profi-cient the dance was pronounced passe." The Situation. "Do you think your father would object ob-ject if I called you Mabel?" "He might think It a trifle odd. You see, my first name is Maud." GAVE PC.. New Preacher Well, Tommy, we had a fine dinner; It must have cost your papa a great deal. Tommy I guess it did. I heard him tell maw that he'd have to eat free lunch for two weeks to catch up even. Nothing to Brag About. There was a man in our town who would not advertise. But since he many pockets picked. Perhaps his course was wise. On Pelham Road. They were motoring indolently through the Bronx. Twilight had sat down upon the land. The sudden roaring of wild beasts from the distant dis-tant zoo caused the fair one to start. "Oh, Jack!" she cried, nestling closer, "where would you go if you saw a dozen lions bounding along after aft-er us?" "If I saw a dozen lions bounding along after me," grinned the heartless wretch, "I'd go to a Sanatorium." Judge. Bobby's Bad Break. Kloseman (out eating) Why do you look at me so intently, little man? Bobby I was looking to see if you was black. K. Black! Why should you think I was black? B. 'Cause I heard pa say you was awfully niggardly. , A Real Treat. "Did you enjoy the opera?" "Extremely. The girl who was with me knew the domestic history of every ev-ery society leader who was there." HE KNEW. Willie Father is the captain of our ship at home and mother's the first mate. Sunday School Teacher What are you '. Willie I guess I'm the compass they're always boxing me. A Football Subject. "Well, young man, ready for college?" col-lege?" "Yep." "What important subjects will yon take up this fall?" "The first thing is the matter ol the forward pass." Obvious. "I suppose, Mrs. Comeup, as you aspire as-pire to our set, you have a good family fam-ily line?" "Of course, we have. How else do you suppose we could hang out our washing?" Retort Courteous. He I never saw such a woman! You're always looking out for something some-thing cheap. She Yes, -unfortunately. That's how I came to marry you. The Material Difference. "My friend is a strong man. He has a hand of iron In a velvet glove." "That's nothing. I've got a friend with brass knuckles in a handy pocket." pock-et." ' Prepared. He nays anent th universe, "Whoopee! Just let her roll!" j His lot in life rniKM be far worse I He's bought his winter coal. I Too Cruel. j "I find my butler has been helping i himself to my cigars." "Want to give him a lesson?" i "I certainly would like to." "I'll give you a box of cigars my wife gave me. Put those where you usually keep your cigars ''f' "I merely want m' J.es-son, J.es-son, not aspyhyjy' J |