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Show JOSH BILLINGS' PHILOSOPHY. Dry Toast. Yung [Young] man, take it eazy [easy] ; yu [you] kant [can't] lift a ton at once if yu [you] try, but yu [you] kan [can] lift menny [many] ov [of] them, 50 pounds at a time. It iz [is] a good plan to keep six inches in reserve, the man who jumps az [as] far az [as] he kan [can], soon gits [gets] beat. Most people never sarch [search] the reckords [records] bak [back] ov [of] a man's outfit and bank account [account] to find out hiz [his] karakter [character]. I beleave [believe] in all kind ov [of] religions breede [breed], if they are square, and I beleave [believe] a man kan [can] reach the gates ov [of] the Kingdom of Heaven in a coach and six, just az [as] well az [as] on foot and carry a pack. Thare [There] iz [is] nothing so safe az [as] humility; but thare [there] iz [is] lots ov [of] humility while it looks humble and sad iz [is] only squinting. Mi [My] dear boy, don't forgit [forget] this; About the only plezzure [pleasure] yu [you] will hav [have] in yure [your] old age, will be in looking bak [back] on the trail yu [you] hav [have] cum [come], and yu [you] have it almost in yure [your] power to make the retrospect plezant [pleasant] or sad. I never giv [give] nor receive presents, the custom seems to be a pretty one, but a hard on to average; if yu [you] give more than yu [you] receive, yu [you] kreate [create] an obligashun [obligation]; if you giv [giv] less yu [you] excite surprise [surprise] , if yu [you] giv [give] pound for pound yu [you] are called a Mercinary Kuss [cuss]. Men ov [of] grate [great] genius have not allways [always] control ov [of] their powers. They often overshute [over shoot] the mark they aim at, and az [as] often demolish the one they hit. The grate [great] mistake iz [is], mankind are trieing [trying] to kno [know] too much. Our first parents made the same blunder, and found out a good deal more than they knu [knew] what to do with. If a man haz [has] got nothing but the truth to tell, ke kan [can] afford to be simple; but if he iz [is] dealing in lies, he must pik [pick] hiz [his] language. Thare [there] iz [is] enny [any] quantity ov [of] people in this world who have got to kno [know] a good deal less than they kno [know] now, before they will kno [know] enny [any] thing more. The world are welkam [welcome] to my kind wishes. i [I] enjoy more in the gift then they possibly can in the receipt ov [of] them. Thare [there] iz [is] probably nothing that would ruin us more effectually than to have all our prayers granted. |