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Show PAGE 2 1996 THE ZEPHYRJAN-FE- B The army canceled plans to shoot missiles from its Green River base and fly them over Grand and San Juan Counties. Frankly, I was disappointed. What we here are a few more cheap thrills. Put a little more excitement into these bikers' lives than just the fear of the Dreaded Crotchsplit The Utah Congressional delegation proposed a measly IB million acre wilderness bill for Utah BLM lands, provoking an outcry from environmentalists and decent, godfearing people everywhere. Jose' Knighton got up at a public hearing in Moab and told the delegation that these meetings "are nothing more than a smoke screen thinly veiled conspiracy of Utah's ruling class. This charade is no more than Congressman Orton's masquerade as a Democrat." (This was actually convincing a highlight of my year.) EcoChallenge went ahead with its big race, despite overwhelming public opposition, but the race's organizer and spiritual guru, Mark Burnett, whined that "uncompromising environmentalists cost us hundreds of thousands of dollars and most of our energy." He promised not to come back to Utah for "a million years." Hopefully the human species will have run its course by the year 1,001,995 A.D. and the race will never return to the canyon country. EcoChallenge plans to screw up parts of British Columbia in 1996. My girlfriend moved ajvay to Texas to become a philosopher (heavy sigh). need-dow- anti-wildern- 1995. GOODBYE. GOOD RIDDANCE. I'm glad this year is over. It sucked. The Republicans assumed control of the Congress in January and ever since. I've had to endure a daily dose of the Pudgy Monkey Boy, Newt Gingrich. The O.J. Trial began a few weeks into 1995, and we had to endure that crap for most of the year. I can only remember one Qj Joke: "OJ, I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your blood is all over the crime scene." "What's the good news?" "You have really low cholesterol" A new County Council took over the reins of power in Grand County. And just once. I'd like to see Councilman Dale Mosher show up at a meeting riot dressed in black. He's like a cros4 between Rush Umbaugh and Johnny Cash. Please Dale...BRIGHTER COLORS! In Moab, the Big Tram gathered steam, despite public opposition. I can hardly wait for the scenic nightscaping to be installed so I can see for myself the dramatic interplay of light and shadow...huh? Wendy's Old Fashioned Hamburgers broke ground on its Moab store after clearing the area of all those unsightly trees. Groene moved away to Cedar City because there were not enough people here who hated his guts and liver to make him feel at home. Then, after going to all that trouble. Met Johnson, the King of the Cowboy Coalition and Greene's nemesis, moved away from western Utah to Wyoming or someplace that paid better. Now Groene has traveled all the way to Washington, D.C. so he can experience the true misery and frustration he has always longed for. EcoChallenge announced it would stage a 350 mile endurance race in southeastern Utah and would televise the Big Event on MTV. I was delighted. You can never have too many gonzo athletes running amok across the cryptogams. I spent more money on health care for my cats in three months than I have on myself in the last ten years. And then, when I tried to take 'Stupid' back to the vet for her booster shots, she went berserk and bit me. The miserable little ingrate. I was told that the reason I am in such a foul 'mood this year is because "my amygdala is stuck." The Sportsmen's Qub wanted the County Council to give them a couple of hundred thousand dollars for a parcel of land for which they claimed to have paid $40 in 1958. The county approved the deal but a threatened lawsuit by citizens caused them to back down. Now the Boys at the Sportsmen's Qub grumble about how them damn environ-meddledeprived them once again of their inalienable rights to make a buck (honest or otherwise). Remember! When in doubt, kick an environmentalist. One way or the other, it's always their fault. Marooney began to show signs of erratic behavior that were more erratic than usual. rs Fulghum retired as the Zephyr's 'roving reporter' and later moved to another continent In a personal correspondence he notified me of his new home town's grand opening and subsequent closure of the village's first bicycle shop. According to Fulghum, "The locals thought the bikes were a stupid method of transportation and the tourists all wanted to hang around the beach. At least somewhere in the world sanity prevails." Fulghum would not identify his location and there was no return address on the envelope. Marooney was seen in public places wearing his tennis shoes on his ears. Wendy's opened for business, but not before it took out a part of neighbor Dave Lyle's back yard. A dispute over the boundary led to law suits by both sides. After Round 1: Dave 1 Wendy's 0. Let's hear it for the Little Guy! on Grand County Jerry Noland and Two Jays Helicopters tried to do an aid-ru- n citizens who very definitely did not want a tour helicopter company operating near residential areas, by applying for a state land lease;, just across the border in San Juan County. The issue will be decided in the courts. Residents of Spanish Valley were reported to be in contact with a group of Afghanistan nationals who reportedly sell missiles on the black market. This story could not be confirmed. Stinger surface-to-aThe Kg EcoChallenge Race was aired on MTV. But where were all the environmental messages that were promised? The BLM threatened to withhold EcoChallenge's $80,000 bond, but as press time approached, attempts by the Moab District office to reach any kind of resolution continued to fall on deaf (and dumb as in dopey) ears at EcoChallenge, Inti. I started thinking (again) of moving to Benkdman, Nebraska. Marooney admitted in print to suffering from "chronic depression." "DEPRESSION?" I exclaimed. "I'll show you DEPRESSION." Marooney and I considered a bake-of- f of sorts, to determine which of us was more miserable. (It was lata determined that we were both The First Annual Swimsuit Issue was a hit with the locals, but since the tourist population during August consisted almost entirely of Europeans who don't have g senses of humor, it became one of the Zephyrs of all time. his nose. started smoking cigarettes through Marooney October.. .November. The budget crisis, a new Arty's, rumors of northside development; Randy Day's plans to build a 112 story condo on the Sand Flats, Bosnia, Enid and Joe Waldholtz's escapades... Late November. My cat 'Fuzzy' ran off and was gone for a month. Then, when I had about given up hope, she appeared on my doorstep, ate three cans of cat food, slept for 27 hours and then took off again. The cat is obviously a bigamist and maintains a second home somewhere. I'm nothing more than a free meal to that heartbleakin' kitty. I watched Enid Green Waldholtz weep and sob on national television for four and a half straight hours. Doctors have requested that she donate ha tear duct glands to ZEPHYR 73 publisher & editor Jim Stiles contributing writers S. Jones Qierie Gilmore Joel Tuhy Jane Scott Groene Hank Rutter Grizzard Mary Dan O' Connor Mike Marooney Ken Sleight historical photos Herb Ringer food editor Howard Johnson subscriptions & grounds maintenance Jan Peterson circulation 'computer Neils Adair whiz-ki- d Brandon Oreno The Hammer Still Marooney THE ZEPHYR, Copyright 1995, All rights reserved The Zephyr is published monthly 01 times a year) The opinions expresed herein are not necessarily those of its vendors, advertisers, or even at times, its publisher. All photos by editor unless otherwise noted. 'half-baked.'- ) worst-sellin- PRINTED WITH THE ZEPHYR SOYINK Write to: P.O. BOX 327 MOAB, UTAH 84532 259-77- , SUBSCRIBE NOW TO THE CANYON COUNTRY (801) ir The Zephyr, P.O. Box 327, Moab, UT 84532 One year (11 issues)...$15 Two years (22 issues)...$28 Three years (33 issues)...$40 This newspaper may make you side, but you can't blame it on the ink. 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