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Show THE CANYON COUNTRY WATCHDOG By Scott Groene, Herb McHarg 6 Liz Thomas of the Southern Utah Wilderness Alliance Aliens to construct anti-earth gamma-guns in the Lockhart Basin: Under the guise of “Legacy Energy Corporation,” aliens submitted false Applications for Permit to Drill (“APD”) in the Basin. The aliens actually intend to construct underground cities, with only the launch devise, disguised as an oil well, visible to the human public. Alien sympathizers will blade new roads to the underground city portals that are camouflaged at the base of EDITOR’S NOTE: I’m not responsible for this. REALLY. I’m not. ORVs are alien!: NASA — A top secret report uncovered today confirms suspicions that off-road vehicles are the creation of evil alien forces. The catalyst for this report was former Senator John Glenn’s recent trip back into space. Mr. Glenn was shocked and horrified with his god’s-eye view of the Colorado Plateau - "[the area] looked like spaghetti carelessly dumped on a red-brick floor. Last time I orbited over the area, meandering shadows from deeply trenched canyons dominated the view. There was no sign of human folly — not even one of those RS2477 claims." Upon further study of Glenn’s photos, cryptic messages were revealed in these seemingly haphazard trails. Interpreters from Cisco are working on the translation. This finding gave BLM scientists the shield they needed to come forward with their data. For years, scientists have been studying a peculiar organism that infiltrates the human body via various mediums. The micro-organism can enter orally through certain brands of beer, ocularly by leaping from television screens during WWF, monster truck shows, "Cops," and similar programming, or by inhaling the fumes cast by two-stroke engines. Once inside its human host, the organism first drains the brain, and with this energy it invades the rest of the body. During the "transformation" stage, the metamorphosizing individual will begin to become entranced by television advertisements, magazines, billboards, etc., that display ORVs. One lady. who lost her husband to the alien forces stated: "Jimmy would hang-out in the neighbor's garage for hours salivating over Jesse’s tricked-out truck, the "Riparian Ripper," and I swear he almost dropped his beer when he got a look at the ATVs and motorbikes on the trailer -- it was awful." At its final stage, the individual, now fully alien, actually purchases one of these mind-munching machines. The report tracks the genealogy of the alien beast to the original CEOs of the manufacturing companies. A CIA agent explained that "following the chain was quick and simple -- this family tree didn’t have many branches." Capturing the CEOs was more difficult, however. Federal agents spent days chasing the assailants around the maze of trails that twist through millions of acres of public lands. "You could never count on them staying on designated trails, so you had to keep a look-out for places where they blasted across the land, the tracks through the cryptos were an unfortunate give-away," said one agent. The agents’ strategy was to eventually corner the ORV propelled CEOs between WSAs, but as another agent exclaimed: "That was next to impossible. First, there were many times more areas open to ORV travel than not. Second, there were routes separating the WSAs, and even routes cherry-stemmed deep into them. When we finally thought we had them, they just rode off-trail into the WSA. Once inside this corridor of solitude, it was easy to find them by hiking or horseback. Our main advantage was that we could hear their machines from miles away, and that we worked with the land, not against it." Little Baullies Mesa may be cleared for UFO Landing!: A recent investigation by SUWA ‘has revealed a long string of cover-ups by the Forest Service and the BLM. Using the code phrase “vegetation treatment (or manipulation),” aliens are working with the agencies to clear strategic areas for UFO landings. Little Baullies is no exception. The aliens have brainwashed the BLM into mowing down nearly 2,000 acres of pinon/juniper forest on a mesa between Elk Ridge and Arch Canyon drainage of Comb Wash. The mystical power of the area has drawn people over the ages, leaving behind spectacular ruins and petroglyphs. Prior to English translation, early drafts of the environmental assessment for the project were written in bowlshety-wretouric, a language used by aliens from the Cortez galaxy. Schematics of the “hydromulcher” showed how the machine would be rocketed through space to the mesa, and how the cockpit would be converted to accommodate a larger, human driver. Correspondence between the BLM and alien forces disclose other-worldly intentions to land monstrous airships on reconnaissance missions to collect ancient ruins that together form the keys to distance galaxies. The aliens plan to hunt down grave robbers and ruin thieves, stealing back the artifacts to complete the keys. Clearing the area of pinon/juniper forest will also help the aliens to further cripple the earth's environment, along with the morale and physical health of earthen beasts and humans, making an invasion and eventual take-over easier. SF the guns. Bighorn sheep and raptors will be used as ingredients in the brewing process for the gamma-ray potion. With one of their APDs already approved and new leases available above the Basin, this may complete the alien's arsenal. : Aliens plan to convert the Book Cliffs into invasion staging area: The rugged, primitive nature of the Book Cliffs is in danger of a complex strike by alien forces. Similar to their plans in the Lockhart Basin, but on a much larger scale, aliens hope to build nearly 1,000 anti-earth guns and an intricate underground city throughout the Book Cliffs region. Using the alias of many company names, the consolidated alien forces are poised for attack. Major strike points will be the Lower Bitter Creek unit of the Red Rock Wilderness proposal, and points southwest including Nine Mile Canyon. In the Nine Mile area, aliens plan to take power from the rich Fremont cultural remains and convert it to their evil cause. Utah Delegation is one evil alien being! Genetic testing of skin tissue left at poll booths on the “yes” areas for nasty propositions 5 and 3, has revealed that the each member of the delegation was cloned from the leader of Step-Mother Earth. This hellish planet is Our Earth's exact opposite and is located at the farthest reach of space. On Step-Mother Earth, there are no wilderness places where humans and animals can seek solitude and escape the quickly advancing industrial zones. Instead, the strip mall and industrial congested spaces are broken-up only by “heritage” and “conservation” areas, where the developments of man are glorified and dominate the scene. ORVs are a constant presence, and there are miles of road winding through each acre. The Utah Delegation (along with Alaska and Idaho) are the chosen disciples of the Step-Mother's leader, with a direct command to plague our earth with their sickness. Should the destiny of our public lands be determined by a galaxy far-far away? : 4 i The crazed Liz Thomas and former SUWA man, the Beloved Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument Plan: Scott Groene. The BLM has finally issued its Management Plan for the Monument. Based on a cursory review of the Plan, it appears that the BLM has outdone itself on this one. As you will recall, President Clinton designated the Monument at the vehement urging of the Utah delegation (and perhaps in part, due to the solicitous seductions of the Kane and Garfield county commissioners and/or their alien counterparts). In a nutshell, it appears that the Monument will be managed for scientific research, visitor services, and commercial development to further line the deep pockets of corporate America. Senator Bennett and Congressmen Hansen and Cannon are reportedly ecstatic about the Plan, and have vowed their continued support of President Clinton to show their appreciation for the Monument. The Plan weighs in at a healthy 15 lb. and is chock full of interesting scientific analysis WE REMEMBER MARSHALL... Yes, even as a little boy, he could not be separated from his wheels. And we are happy to announce that Marshall recently gave up his trike and went to a real bike. Albeit with training wheels. RENTALS SALES SERVICE 497 N. 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