OCR Text |
Show THE ZEPHYROCTOBER 1990 PAGE 20 for baloots searching lost and confused in san francisco jim stiles We were out on tho west desert, puffing on a couple of Royal Jamaicans and getting depressed listening to Tracy Chapman sing "Fast Car. My attorney, Willy Flocko, suggested that I turn the tape off. "If you get Into one of your blue flunks, ITU ruin the entire trip, he advised "Besides, a man can't enjoy a good balloot In a bad mood We were on our way to San Francisco, the City by the Bay, home of the Golden Gate, the Giants and the 49'ers, Tadch's Grill and the International feasting grounds for After emerging from the Earth, we were In front of the Hyatt Regency, architectural marvel that I could not possibly describe except to say that It has a really lobby and belongs In the 23rd Century. Willy hailed a cab, and asked to be driven to Bank of America building. an big the you remember to bring your tie? he Inquired. "You bet Its right here In my pocket" Dld baloots. Balloot What are these baloots, I kept wondering. I knew I'd led a sheltered life, raised In Kentucky, transplanted to Moab, but I'd never even heard of a balloot My attorney explained... he sighed "Truly a delicacy for a gourmet palette. They're duck smoked, fully developed embryos, actually smoked right In the egg shell. I think If I had a choice between it and Beluga caviar, Id demand the baloots every time. "Well, I asked, "What part of the embryo do you eat? "What part?" Willy cried Incredulously. "Why all parts. All of It You eat the whole thing! "You mean you eat the feet? The beak? The feathers? "Of course ... The feet are the best part I thought of this as we climbed the Sierra Nevada, and descended Into Lake Tahoe. We were both confronted and subsequently terrified by the sight of tens of thousands of was people. The traffic, which Just a couple of hours ago In Nevada had been Pla Zadora now bumper to bumper. We crept through the casino district at South Shore was playing the Main Room at Harvey's. What a gal, that Pla Zadora - talk about talent We crossed over the state line. "I'll be glad when this traffic thins out I said. "This Is a nightmare. "Thin out ... youre dreaming, Willy replied. "Welcome to California. Itll be like this all the way to the coast Willy, as usual, was right By the time we reached Sacramento, the freeway had grown to ten lanes. The traffic was still bumper to bumper, but almost everyone was to my freeway traveling between seventy an eighty miles an hour. I started I with In was and soon the best of and lane Louisville, Jumping very bumper riding days I I I ... these California drivers. felt great felt alive. looked over at my attorney he looked pale. "Pull over, he said quietly. "Ill drive. Well, It was his truck after all. I relinquished the wheel and settled down In the passenger seat At first It was difficult to adjust to Flockos less frenetic driving style, but It did give me time to keep a lookout for the first balloot stand. As we approached the Bay area, however, I was still searching with no luck whatsoever. We arrived at the condo In Alameda In the late afternoon. After wed unloaded the gear, Willy proposed we go the City. "We'll save a lot of time, my attorney suggested, "If we ride over In Bart "Bart ..., I wondered. "Is he a friend of yours? "Youve really been In Moab too long, Willy said, shaking his head In sad disgust "BART stands for Bay Area Rapid Transit Its a damn subway. "Of course, I said. We went to the Frultvale station, and purchased our tickets through a computerized ticket machine. We then had to Insert our tickets In the computerized turnstile to allow us access to the platform, where we waited for the computerized train. A computerized voice announced that the next BART to San Francisco would arrive In three minutes. On the platform, a hundred or so people stood or sat on the benches, waiting. Some read their late edition Examiners, but most Just lingered quietly. No one was speaking; It was the quietest group of one hundred persons I think Id ever seen. In three minutes, the BART arrived on schedule. This machine must go from 0 to In 60 about seven seconds. After a couple stops, It plunged Into darkness, Into the tube and the watery depths of the Bay. My attorney claimed that The Transit Authority had Inserted underwater glass windows to observe aquatic life; however since we were traveling at such a high rate of speed, It was Impossible to really appreciate the view. "Ah yes, baloots." non-exist- ent flash-backi- ng A & B AUTO 405 N. Main 259-518- 1 "Well good. Put It on. n ' V rv Were going to The Camellan Room and you need a tie to get In. tried to tie my tie without the aid of a mirror, while our cab driver, a remarkably skilled helmsman named Juan, careened through traffic at a breakneck pace. At one point, we shot between two parked cars with no more than an Inch of space to spare on each side at about 50 mph. A pedestrian, a tourist no doubt, stepped Into traffic, directly In our cabs flight path. Juan rolled two lanes over, In front of an oncoming cable car, and then slammed left, leaving the pedestrian spinning but unscathed. "Deaf, dumb, blind, and lobotomlzed, he snarled. In another minute we were at the Bank of America Building. We rode the express elevator to the fiftieth floor - The Camellan Room, an Incredibly posh, walnut paneled, drinking and eating establishment, with giant 12 foot tall plate glass windows that looked out over the entire Bay Area. We settled Into padded leather chairs by a window pointed at The Golden Gate. I felt a little uncomfortable. I had worn my tie, but what would these people think of my Vision-we- ar skateboard sneakers with ' ollle pads? A waiter approached our table. Willy leaned over, "For Gods sake, dont order flDr. Pepper or a Mountain Dew, I OK? "Hey, I replied Indignantly, glve me a little credit We ordered drinks, and Flocko ordered up some oysters. I asked If they had baloots, and the waiter eyed me cautiously, shook his head and left "Baloots are a Phlllpplno specialty, Willy explained. "This place serves mostly seafood. Around us, wealthy men and women, elegantly dressed, drank Beefeater Martinis and discussed the day's transactions. I tried to eavesdrop on nearby conversations, but they seemed to speak In some kind of binary foreign language. All I could ever hear were numbers. They paid no attention to my dirty red sneakers, but one young professional woman at the next table shuddered when I referred to oysters as "slippery little buggers.' AW dUSf A T00R. HCLPlttfi, KUWAtfl KM&.PieASE'IIUNKHW TWy biu., Tor. HELpoiO me RESTORE MY T0W6R 0 restore lost power |