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Show A2 The Emery County Review, Tuesday, October 14, 2008 The News Off The Beaten Path MUG SHOT D E DA Z LIGHTER SIDE The Thrill of Cattle Hunting James L. Davis Hunting season has arrived once again, which would normally mean that at some point or another one of my children will begin to moan about the inherent injustice of having a father who does not hunt. Usually the biggest whiner is my son, Casey, who cannot understand why I do not wish to march out into the wilderness and kill something. I have tried to explain to him that it is not that I am against killing something, I am just against killing something I won’t eat and the things that you can hunt and kill, I will not eat. My lack of interest in hunting has long been mistakenly attributed to some belief that I am a tree hugger of one kind or another. Just to set the record straight, I am not a tree hugger. OK, I admit, I did hug a tree or two in my wilder days, but it was less a hug and more hanging onto something so I didn’t fall down. I don’t hunt because I am picky about what I eat, but when I give this quite rational explanation my son reminds me that I have threatened to kill him on numerous occasions. “If you kill me are you going to eat me?” he would ask. For this reason I have ordered a 55 gallon drum of barbecue sauce, just to keep him off guard. This hunting season I hope to dispense with the hunting whine of my son because I fully intend on taking him hunting very soon. While everyone else is busy tromping through the wilderness in search of deer or elk or antelope or any of the other woodland creatures that are at this very moment wondering what they have done to make so many people want to kill them, my son and I will be hunting as well. You see, our deep freezer is in need of replenishing, so we will be hunting cattle. “Cattle?” My son asked while sitting at the dinner table. “What do you mean cattle?” “I mean cattle. Cows. Moo. Beef, the main ingredient in fine hamburgers everywhere.” “You can’t hunt cattle Dad.” “Certainly you can hunt cattle. I’ve seen huge herds all over the place.” My son shook his head, which he is prone to do when having a conversation with me. “That’s cattle rustling Dad.” “No, cattle rustling is when you steal a cow. We’re going to shoot a cow.” “That’s not hunting.” “What would be missing?” I asked. Being inexperienced in hunting, I thought maybe he knew something that I did not. “You have to be out in the mountains, tracking the animal, hunting it down, taking aim with your prey in your sights.” He had obviously been reading something I hadn’t. “Yeah, well, we’ll do all that, just with a cow, or would you prefer a steer? Maybe I’d better get us a steer.” “Do you know how much trouble you’d get into if you killed somebody’s cow?” “It’ll be our cow. Instead of sending a cow to slaughter we’ll take it out and hunt it down.” “In the back yard?” “No, not in the back yard.” He obviously wasn’t thinking clearly, what kind of hunt could you have in your back yard? “We’ll take it down to your grandpa’s property and set it free. We’ll give it a good head start while we slip on our camouflage gear, and then we’ll hunt the beast down.” “What, while its chewing its cud in the middle of the field?” I shook my head. So little imagination in one so young was downright depressing. “It won’t be chewing its cud in the middle of the field. We’ll make it stampede.” “A stampede of one cow?” “One steer. Sure. Why not? More than one could get pretty dangerous.” “How are we going to make this steer stampede?” “I’ll shoot at it first.” “What if you hit it?” Casey asked. I could see he was starting to think this idea over a little bit. And all this time he thought I was crazy. “It’s not possible for me to hit it. I can’t hit the broad side of a cow, or anything else,” I said and in this I was not lying. In military training I was given three, 30-round clips and an M-16 and told to shoot my target as many times as possible. I missed it every time. My drill instructor was speechless for perhaps the first time in his military career. In eight years of military service I had the distinction of never actually qualifying with my M-16. This is perhaps a good reason why they put me in a job that required a pencil instead of a weapon. “So we’re going to hunt down and kill a cow in Grandpa’s field while wearing camouflage?” “Sounds great, doesn’t it? You can have your first kill and I’ll take photos of you with the ferocious steer.” My son thought for a moment and then smiled and nodded his head. “Can we have the head mounted?” Suddenly I wished I had just stuck with saying I didn’t hunt. Casey Wood thanks actress Leigh Taylor Young and sponsors after winning first place in the film festival. Future Spielbergs Gather Star Theatre held its second annual Huntington Film Festival on Oct. 10-11, and amateur filmmakers gathered to view their efforts. With special guests, actress Leigh Taylor Young of Picket Fences fame and motivational speaker John Morton, fans of film enjoyed a night of filmmaking fun. Winner of the film festival for the second year in a row was Casey Wood, who took first place for his short film Tiny Cops and second place for his film Ridgefield. Taking third place was Reed Cook and his short film Jousting. First place prize was $250 and second place was $100. The third place winner won $75. Chuck Shepherd Lead Story The world’s most extensive array of animal “rights” took effect in Switzerland in September. Dog owners must take, at their own expense, classes in pet care (and anglers must take a class in humane treatment of fish). Animals listed as “social” (including goldfish, hamsters, sheep, goats, yaks) must be kept with or near another of their species. Goldfish must have some “privacy,” e.g., no completely transparent tanks, and can only be killed humanely (never flushed alive). Even mud-loving pigs are entitled to showers. Yet, Swiss animal rights activists complained that the country still permits trading in cat fur (supposedly a pain-reliever for rheumatism), and that some new protections (for example, for rhinoceroses) are still inadequate. Family Values -- Wealthy advertising executive Robert Schwartz died in 1997 and left a sizable estate, including a special “Party Trust” for his relatives, but with one condition: They must all celebrate Schwartz’s birthday every August for at least 10 years at a posh party in Naples, Fla., with all expenses paid, and people missing two straight, or two in five years, would forfeit their inheritances. The Naples Daily News reported in September that each adult relative would receive up to $2,500 per party attended, and a final Party Trust accounting is now in the hands of a judge. -- David Norris never knew his father, who left home when Norris was 5 months old. Now 22, Norris is serving a minimum-12-year sentence for killing a man after an earlier rape conviction and is housed in Peterhead prison, which is the primary lockup The Duplex NEWS OF THE WEIRD for Scotland’s sex criminals. Soon after arrival, according to a Scottish Daily Record report, Norris ran into David Gilles, 39, serving life for the kidnapping and sexual torture of a young woman, and realized that Gilles is his dad. -- Michelle Cossey pleaded guilty to one count of child endangerment in September in Norristown, Pa., admitting that she had bought her son Dillon, 14, a rifle and gunpowder (which prosecutors say Dillon was planning to use in a Columbine-style attack on former classmates at Plymouth Whitemarsh High School). Michelle said she had no idea of his plans, but only wanted to help boost Dillon’s “self-esteem,” since he is severely overweight and had left school after the seventh-grade because of bullying. Bright Ideas -- Wendy Brown, 33, was charged with identity theft in Green Bay, Wis., in September after she enrolled at Ashwaubenon High School pretending to be her 15-year-old daughter (who actually lives in Nevada). Though Brown has a “history” of identifytheft issues (according to a school official who spoke with Brown’s mother), one motive in this case was to fulfill a longtime dream of becoming a cheerleader, and she had been attending practices and had made the squad, according to school officials, even though some people had noticed that she looked a little older than the other girls. -- Entrepreneurs: (1) Sarah Lavely opened Sarah’s Smash Shack in downtown San Diego this summer, inviting people who are angry at someone or something to slam ceramic plates, vases and glass pieces (such as framed photographs of an ex-) against walls in special rooms (15 minutes, 15 plates, $45). (2) Australian Wool Innovation recently introduced, for the Japanese executives’ market, a washable business suit that can be cleaned in an ordinary shower and will dry overnight, virtually wrinkle-free (and, in a pinch, can even be worn in the shower). The Classic Middle Name (all new!) Arrested recently and awaiting trial for murder: Nathaniel Wayne Lee, Attalla, Ala. (September); Michael Wayne Wood Sr. (arrested in Michigan in August as a fugitive from a 2005 Oklahoma murder warrant); Jeffrey Wayne Riebe, Myrtle Beach, S.C. (August); Barry Wayne Kaalund, Durham, N.C. (August); Joseph Wayne Keeler, Largo, Fla. (August). Captured after escaping while serving time for murder: Marlow Wayne Reynolds, Rosharon, Texas (September). Fugitive warrant issued: suspected murderer Larry Wayne Brucke Jr., Lenoir, N.C. (September). Least Competent Criminals -- Not Ready for Thugdom: (1) Police in Wilmington, N.C., arrested Anthony Mallette, 30, and Capria Rouser, 28, in September, driving a stolen car, after they had allegedly tried to extort money from the owner for its return. They wanted $40. (2) Two men attempted an armed robbery of the Brighton Mini Mart in Chicago in August, and when it was over, the man with the gun had accidentally shot himself in the foot and been stabbed in the back by the 61-year-old store owner. The pair fled, but the wounded man was arrested in a hospital waiting room. -- Rookie Mistakes: (1) Kody Merrival, 21, was arrested in Iowa City, Iowa, in September after he used an alleged stolen credit card in three different establishments. At a coffee bar, he asked for points on his personal account while using the card; at another store, he absentmindedly signed his own name; and in the third, he offered his own ID to accompany the card (leading the merchant to confiscate the card and notify police). (2) Tommy Patterson, 41, vacationing in Ormond Beach, Fla., in July, decided to do some impromptu shoplifting at a Wal-Mart, according to police, but was caught after a chase that was brief because he was still wearing flip-flops from the beach. Update The brain “fingerprinting” work mentioned here in 2000 and 2003, whose hypothesis is that different areas of the brain are active when a person recalls an actual experience, as opposed to recalling merely learned information, was used in June in Pune, India, to secure a woman’s murder conviction. A neuroscientist convinced the judge that the suspect’s responses to questions could only have come had she actually made a purchase of the arsenic in question and traveled the exact route taken by the alleged killer. Hey, Want to Go Hang Out? Daytime burglar John Pearce, 32, was arrested in Dartford, England, in August after getting his foot caught in a window and hanging upside down for over an hour in full view of congregating (and taunting) neighbors before police arrived. However, in Chester Township, Pa., in July, scrap-metal burglar Charles Ancrum, 50, beat that record, hanging from a window for an entire weekend, dead, after he broke his neck attempting to climb into a residential garage. (While sticking his head through a small window, he fell off the sawhorse he was standing on.) (Copyright 2008 Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate.) By Glenn McCoy |