.TTey Brian Gray f Definition of news is found in coffee shops We have a new boss at this newspaper. We also have an old question. : "What is news?" asked the boss. "All of you should ask yourselves this question. We need more news in the paper." Like I said, it's an old question. Symposiums are held throughout the . country on this very question, contributing more to the consumption of martini olives than any other single event. Thousands of trees are mutilated . every year for the purpose of addressing the question in college textbooks. At last count, 2,142 newspaper editors have pondered the heady question, a . direct correlation to the sales increase of Tagamet and Grecian Formula. ; It's an old question. And I have an old answer. Vif ' '"1 y',:llZ.!-. "News,' I told the boss, "is whatever people are talking about in coffee shops. It's silly to throw money at conventions and symposiums. Instead of flying to Atlanta for some seminar, just hang around an old-fashioned coffee cof-fee shop counter. Keep your pencil in your pocket-and your eats open " "" : "How about a local opinion piece on the events in Portland," he said. "The lead story in the 'Salt Lake Tribune concerned the government's recognition of Solidarity." , ' "Bad idea," I answered. MThe coffee shop guy can't even place Poland on the map, and the younger reader thinks Solidarity is a rock group." v "You're probably right," said the boss. "How about a nice story on the fusion exrriment at the University of UtahT"' , "The coffee shop guy doesn't understand it," I answered. "To understand under-stand fusion, you must have a knowledge of deuterium atoms and something some-thing called heavy water. To the coffee shop guy, there's only three types of water...Cold, lukewarm and the stuff you dip your contac: lenses in at , night." . "But younger, college-educated readers will understand fusion." "I don't think so. College kids think fusion is a type of New Wave jazz music. Most kids haven't done anything with science since they captured a grasshopper and suffocated it in a mayonnaise jar." . "What about the natural gas pipeline controversy in Bountiful?' asked theboss. ' ' - "Probably not," I answered. "The only people excited about the pipeline pipe-line route are those who'll see the pipe running under their patio. It's hard to grill a steak when a John Deere tractor is heaving dirt around your barbecue." bar-becue." "Maybe we could bolster our entertainment news." : "Now you're cooking!" I said. "The coffee shop guy is big on enter-, enter-, tainment But don't play up the Utah Symphony. The coffee shop guy is ' , more interested in what type of dress Cher wore to the Academy Awards." " And how about sports?" ' . " - -"That's a great topic of conversation. The coffee shop guy spends 30 percent of his time opening cream packets--and another 30 percent raying on about Karl Malone. If John Stockton ran for Governor, he'd beat Bangerter Bang-erter two-to-one. Gee, Tom Chambers is better known in Bountiful than : isMhWtosWtKtfr ' r!Sure. The coffee shop guy is always interested in a gobdoxing matcK ' And load the newspaper up with other coffee shop chatter. Stories on taxes and gas prices, stories on the cost of hunting licenses, stories on administrative administra-tive salaries and money scams. For good measure, you can throw in a few ' murder trials. Mayhem is always big at the coffee shop." The boss was pleased, but he still had a probing question. "Will the coffee shop guy actually buy a newspaper?" ;' I answered, "That's where our staff photographer comes in. The coffee shop guy appreciates fine photography. If you want subscriptions, have - Roger design a special Centerville-Woods Cross Swimsuit EditionThe coffee shop guys will love it" ' " The boss didn't smile. He ceremoniously ushered the out of his office. ; But I hope he appreciated my free advice. It was a lot cheaper than flying to : Atlanta,