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Show A LIVERPOOL BILI. He Discourses- to His. Disciple On the Vanity of. nnman AmhitUa ; Wasted " tives of Distil- ? ' gnlshed Rustlers Dan De Quille, in San Iranmsco PostX Said "Liverpool EH" ' to. the premotti tory symptom of a hoodlum to whom, he was- giving a lesson in the . rolling, of a cigarette : "Young feller, I s'pose now as you're calkerlatin' to be a great man some day a man as will make' a noise in the world? Now,, youngster my adwice .to you is not to goto strivin' forAbigjianie,. or to go to frettirr' yourself green and yak ler to make a mark la the world. "Hit's all wanity and wexation oi speerit 1 I tella you this who has been young but now .is growin' in years. For years and years" I 'ad a hambition, and I, strove and strove, hopin; that some day I'd git to be an 'ack driver. But hit vos all wanity, my boy nothink in hit I - "You jist turn philosopher, young feller. fel-ler. That's the lay I'm on . Say to yourself your-self the world owes me a livin', and I'm bound to 'av it. That air's the motto to live up to. To live without care is my philosophy. All else is wanity. Behold the lilies of the walley, as toils not and doesn't spin ! "Wot does a man git for raakin' inventions in-ventions and the like? Nothink ! .Wot does a man git for makin' discoveries ? Nothink ! Look at Christopher Colambus, young man, and let his fate be a warnin' to you. Wot does he git for the trouble he had in discoverin' of America? He gits loaded with chains, and he gits tumbled tum-bled into a dungeon. He gits called a swindler and an imposture. Now they've found out that he didn't discover America Amer-ica arter all. So he had all his trouble' for nothink. Hit vas some Laplander feller up north that discovered the country, and he don't git any credit, for nobody has yit been found what can per-nounce per-nounce his name. "Wot does William H. Shakespeare git for the trouble he had a writin' of them plays o' his? He gits busted out entirely. . They now say there never vos sich a man as William" H. Shakespeare, and I believe 'em. No one man could a done it. Them plays was writ by a syndicate. syn-dicate. "Wot vos the use of Hassian writin' them poems o' his? He gits nothink! They say now them poems was writ by a Hirishman named "McGinnis, and I believe be-lieve 'em. "Wot vos the use of William Tell a shootin' old Gessler? He run a big risk of passin' in hfs own checks, and now j they say there never wos sich a man. I He'd better staid up in the mountains j and been a philosopher. j "See the life ole Crusoe led in that air I solitary island ! and now they say there never was no Crusoe. His repertation is j taken from him, -even when we know -it I says in the hymn book, 'He was monarch mon-arch of all he surveyed.' "It's been found out that the story of Captain John P. Smith and Miss Polka Hontas was all a myth inwented by ole William Penn to give a sample of 'good Injuns.' And see now, after Richard M. Johnson went out and killed ole Tecum-seh, Tecum-seh, they say he was shot with an 'oss pistol by ole Tippecanoe, and R. M. bein' dead he can't git up and show the skelp. Also, here's ole Geronimo; after he's gone and got up a repertation as Geronimo, Geron-imo, somebody'll find out he's somebody else a cussed half-breed, like enough. "There ain't no maelstrom, and .the Mahdi is a Hirishman. George Washington Washing-ton never had no little hatchet, and he didn't cut no cherry tree ; so, a3 a matter of course, he didn't never tell any lie. If 'the boy stood on the burnin' deck,' as we're told he did, he was the biggest fool boy I ever heard on. If there was any deck about hit, hit was a cold deck." "Now, young man, don't you never try to discover America, try to live on a lone barren isle, marry a squaw, stand on a burnin' deck, nor .inwent a straw engine ; cause you'll find out ven hit's too late that hit vasn't you at all, but some other bloody fool what's been dead for ages and don't know whether he ever done anythink or not ! Take warnin' by ole Keeley and his motor. Poor Keeley'a passin' inter the sere and yaller janders, and his great inwention ain't inwented yet. His motor may never mote, but if it does, why so mote it be. A hundred years from now people will say it was inwented in-wented by Mike Sullivan. You" see if they don't! ' "Wot's the use, young man, of you frettin' your gizzard at this stage o' the game? Beecher says there ain't no devil, Bob Ingersoll says there ain't no God ; both of 'em says there ain't no hell, and as for the 'balm in Gilead,' I say to you that you can put all there is of it in your eye, young feller. Take my adwice and lead the life of a philosopher ; git all you can out of the world and never do nothin' for the world, then you beat the world and are a true philosopher. Bear in mind that ;. , "Man springs up like a sparfowgrass; Goes through the world like a hoppergrass; Then lays down and dies like a jackass." - |