Show Be Exceptional Fat People and Nerds Rule the World 4 ki r By Edward Fuller Opinion Editor j rule the Nerds and fat people world This fact is especially evident in the leadership of the lone super super- on earth mutt mutt superpower superpower today I will present evidence to support support support sup sup- port my claims after I explain the reason reason reason rea rea- rea- rea son for my testimony Young people of college age are often insecure about themselves This week I have chosen to honor all who feel that they dont don't measure up to the beautiful people or members of the cool cliques on campus Take heart my fellow outcasts Our day will come I hereby submit for your consideration consideration consideration consider consider- the track record of nerds outcasts outcasts outcasts out out- casts and fat people of our time They are often the trailblazers and leaders who eventually rise to the top like cream in the them thein in n society's kettle of conformity An accurate inscription at the base of the Statue of Liberty might read Bring me your nerds your dorks and huddled fat masses Allow me to present Exhibit A Bill Clinton Classification Intelligent pudgy man with a knack for romancing the girls no one else would take to their high school prom He is a former Rhodes Scholar with an Arkansas accent Possibly a high school band nerd as his wheezing is at It con con- P U 11 us that he is an accomplished accomplished accomplished saxophone saxophone saxophone saxo saxo- phone player indicate Clinton has publicly admitted admitted admitted admit admit- ted that he did abnormal things with another fat nerd nerd Monica Monica Lewinsky Clinton is a leading theorist in the new philosophical school of thought that views views sex as an abstract n con- con s 's r f. f r l k n nV L V V Vr con's W v X 1 ft hij i t t Jt Y r Some notable no a I e nerds l ruS' ruS al and u p powerful weil v A wv lt B x w. w P g nR V V t e j 5 J tt ws tf H it kult h t d f d X tm mi n an and not as a simply defined physical act If you have volumes of book- book knowledge but not much common commonsense commonsense commonsense sense and want everybody to like you but they pick on you anyway Bill Clinton is your role model I 1 have chosen Clinton's nemesis Are as Exhibit B Newt Gingrich you surprised that I didn't say Ken Starr You thought that I would dredge up the remains of that dead horse that has already been beaten to death for its didn't you Ken Starr is a little lower on the list Newt is vs more inte interesting esting Classification Evil fat nerd This specimen is particularly slimy slippery slippery slippery slip slip- pery pungent and aggressive Gingrich slings mud when threatened and t other t I. I bottom u feeders mates mullet to lu prey on its rivals especially larger would-be would predators like the Biggest Fish in the Political Pond It would likely be safe to assume that any larvae with a name like Newt was not the on magnet campus during his formative years Gingrich's smile is like that of the Grinch and by all appearances one can be sure that this dirty uptight critter has never missed a meal If you are a vindictive instigator who wants to exact revenge on all those popular people who make your skin crawl Newt Gingrich is your role model Exhibit C Al AI Gore what a bore Classification Bionic wallflower geek He is a heartbeat away from the presidency if he has one You just know that this guy was the life of the party as a college kid Not Be careful careful careful care care- ful if you ever shake hands with this political m mannequin you might get a splinter of wood lodged in your palm Gore is not fat but fat is not a typical typical typical ical characteristic of most inanimate objects If you arent aren't a graceful person have little spontaneity and you hang hangout out with fairly popular folks despite not quite fitting in perhaps AI Al Gore is your best bet as a role model I hear you ladies You have role models models models mod mod- els who dont don't fit the beautiful and cool mode also Exhibit D Janet Reno Classification Predatory tomboy nerd who goes into the fray with both fists flying Reno has it all Power brains beauty and a marvelous physique Okay she has brains and power Meet the attorney general of the United States ladies and gentle gentle- 0 men This upwardly mobile specimen specimen men is a fearsome entity atop the heap of her lawyer and cop under under- lings Reno has a hide tougher than leather and is always ready and will- will the with 1 woul tt db 1 ing to LV u get gei IL in m me Ull I Ill WILli uc UI e challengers to her authority and those with deep pockets full of prizefight prizefight prizefight prize prize- fight money Renos Reno's knuckles bare-knuckles brawl with the Nerd Champion of the World Bill Gates has reached the middle rounds and her grit and determination determination determination deter deter- will probably ensure her victory if she doesn't tire herself out outon outon outon on the Gates' Gates crafty rope a If you dont don't care how you look when you roll out of the sack and come to class have doubts about your sexuality and have a recurring urge to knock somebody's block blockoff off This off This nerds nerd's for you Oh you want other women of distinction distinction distinction dis dis- dis- dis who arent aren't quite cool I hereby submit for your consideration Exhibit E That two-headed two monstrosity monstrosity monstrosity mon mon- of influence Oprah Winfrey and Rosie ODonnell Classification Buffalo Gals Oprah is constant state of flux between fat and skinny and always is willing to provide an ample shoulder for her guests to cry on She is such an avid bookworm that she started her own own book Try that on this campus bub bubo Prepare to be classified as a nerd Rosie has a Tom Cruise fixation is somewhat androgynous androgynous androgynous and is a loving fun-loving buxom brunette who sporadically breaks out into song and fires stringy rubber objects at her guests Would you reply to that personal ad If you are bodied big-bodied hearted big-hearted extremely talented compassionate and everybody everybody everybody every every- body tells you everything Oprah and Rosie should be your role models Fat girls of the world unite If money is how you measure success success success suc suc- cess look no further than the King of all Nerds Geek of all and still the reigning Richest Man in the GATES Classification Dorkus Erectus This specimen is the most highly evolved and perfectly adapted form of nerd- nerd life on the planet Gates' Gates tentacles hold the in their grasp as P and possibly the keys to the future if we are to believe that computers are the future Unfortunately for Gates he stroked the wolverine-like wolverine fur of the Ragin Reno the wrong way and he is currently engaged in a battle to the death with the aforementioned predator nerd If you are bright predisposed to getting unsightly haircuts extremely t 11 t j k i-k r v 4 n f ft that n n 4 d 4 fk n fr competitive m III things mai on t i L require physical exertion but do require mental virtuosity and the killer instinct Bill Gates is your role model Now go in peace I could go on with examples of people like Mike Eisner Mouse- Mouse eared crown wearer of Disney's evil empire Stephen Spielberg Nerd ruler of the office box-office and great nerds in history like Albert Einstein or Thomas Edison Be an innovator You can accomplish accomplish accomplish great things by thinking for yourself and being true to yourself My point is this The most powerful powerful powerful pow pow- erful people in the world attained their positions by using their brains and aspects of their persona that make them unique You will never be able to please everybody Being cool or normal normal normal nor mal doesn't ensure your success or happiness Be smart and be exceptional jI I. 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