Show Beat WordPerfect at its it's own game Butch Nielson Staff Writer IN N this age of computers it is almost a must to have some basic knowledge of word processing If youre you're a college student W soon sooner e r 0 or rat I later e r N v-v v Y y- y I. I youre you're bound to w. w end up with an English teacher that expects it at least that's what happened happened happened hap hap- to me at a time when Id I'd never even heard that letter four-letter word WordPerfect Now two years later after surviving surviving surviving I ing several breakdowns Im I'm going to explain how one can go about using WordPerfect without taking years to comprehend the software's apparent millions of functions most of which g seem to me at least to be utterly h useless I think the reason this program has so many possible functions is because its makers are ae obviously geniuses and when they were making the program they probably kept saying to themselves great but I know we can make it do more than just that In the process of making such a useful tool they made maae something that mat onlY geniuses could completely comprehend But there are ways to avoid any real comprehension of the program yet still understand how to make it work to your advantage First of all I want to make it clear that no noone noone noone one can really use WordPerfect without help from someone who knows the functions but butas as for the basics they're really not that hard to follow When you turn the computer on dont don't think something's wrong because the only thing on the screen is one little cursor the machine is considering whether or not it is in inthe inthe inthe the mood to work with you This process takes about a minute It seems to take much longer however if you are in a hurry When the machine has decided that it has nothing better betterto to do all kinds of computer nonsense will start flashing across the screen Ignore this If you try to comprehend it you will end up turning off the machine and asking yourself yourself yourself your your- self why you are attempting such a thing without a masters master's degree in some computer field If the machine does nothing leave quickly The machine doesn't like you and if you keep bothering it it may become violent When the nonsense stops the computer will show a neat graphics display with choices in the middle of the screen This means noth noth- ing Hit the return button and hope that the default was WordPerfect Now the software will stop and say something like not reading drive A. A This is a polite way of telling you that you are indeed an idiot and have no business being at a computer terminal in the first place ea a But dont don't worry All that 7 that's wrong is that you a 3 4 t need to put a disk that tat strange-looking strange bendable c square k I 1 into the little slit V II I in the front of the computer and lock it in there L presumably so the computer doesn't spit it back out at you when it realizes f its got a brain at least twice the size of yours If at this point you have decided the machine is right and you have no business even attempting to associate with it just hit the designated abort button which is in essence essence essence es es- es- es sence admitting defeat and the software will win winlet let you escape with your life and perhaps even which f 11 ll 1 net your YUUl Ul des ma vv III 1 ii to s ui cou tota y use to lU you at this point But if you refuse to let a machine ruin your academic career and hit the retry button button button but but- ton the screen will go blank and finally you are ready to begin typing Type whatever you want If you make a mistake you can erase it by using the backspace backspace backspace back back- space key If you miss the mistake you can go goback goback goback back to it by using the arrow keys key and then delete it by using the delete button or insert something new by typing it in the middle of what is already written This will cause what is already written to move out of the way ac ac- ac- ac cordingly Easy right There are also a bunch of keys to the left or top of the keyboard with F followed by a number on them These are the dreaded function function function tion keys If you need to use one of them try it only if everything on the screen makes perfect perfect perfect per per- sense to you This still might not work If something goes wrong ask someone who knows how it works Do not try to print or save a document or exit from WordPerfect the first time you actually get into the system without assistance from a skilled professional If you do you will most likely upset the computer computer computer com com- puter and it is bound to either delete or radically radically radically radi radi- cally change your paper These points are enough to get you started on your quest to battle the superior intellect of WordPerfect word processing program Good luck You'll need it |