| Show Are you ready for for- for President Buchanan Buchanan- Terry erry Dillon Associate Editor A ARE RE you r ready ady for President President dent Buchanan Are you ready for a hole in the ozone Are you ready for a hole inyo in yo your r head Dont Don't get me wrong I think the Buchanan administration administration administration ad ad- ministration will be more fun than thana a barrel of monkeys The five o'clock news is going going to to tobe tobe be one big come comedy y show show- show show- st starring Buchanan from Buchanan from here until doomsday l I would also like to express my thanks to P. P PJ P.J. for providing the answer to tomy tomy my question about why Republicans Republicans' get to be in charge of God In his new best bes seller Parliament of Whores A Lone Humorist Attempts Attempts Attempts At At- tempts to Explain the Entire US U.S. Government writes that God is a Republican and that Dem Democrats are like Santa Claus This book says is writt written n of course from a conservative point of is at least in its American form a philosophy that relies upon personal responsibility and promotes private liberty Yo You u k know now I personal per son a I responsibility as in the Savings and Loan rip-off rip and private liberty such as the religious right has to terrorize terrorize terrorize ter- ter gynecologists in North Dakota I sure hope Pat picks P. P PJ P.J. as his running mate says his books book's entire philosophy may be summed up by this analogy II God is an elderly or at any rate middle-aged middle male a astern astern astern stern fellow patriarchal rather than paternal and a great believer in rules and regulations He holds men strictly accountable for their actions He Jle has little apparent concern for the material well well- being of the disadvantaged He is politically connected socially powerful and holds the mortgage on literally everything in the world God is difficult God is unsen unsen- It It-is It is very hard to get into Gods God's heavenly country club Santa Claus is another matter continues Hes cute Hes He's ing Hes He's always cheerful And nd he loves animals He may know who's been naughty and who's been nice but he never does anything about itHe it He gives everyone everything they want without thought of ofa a quid pro quo He works hard for charities and hes he's famously famous famous- ly generous to the poor Santa Claus is preferable to God in every way but one one There is no such thing as Santa Claus Never mind that this analogy analogy analogy anal anal- ogy makes no sense either in inthe inthe inthe the r reality of a God who is an anold anold anold old grouch or to His connection connection connection tion to the Republican Party platforms ie i.e. God likes regulation Republicans like de And of c course urse it is absurd to argue the existence existence existence exist exist- ence of Santa Claus unless Claus unless you like Miracle on Street and Toys for Tots Who can argue with the likes of P. P PJ P.J. and Patrick and andall andall andall all the the- rest of those witty high the conservative conservative conservative conserva conserva- tive Republicans But before we all laugh ourselves s silly silly silly- just for comic relief relief let let me throw in a little piety from the party of the Santa Clauses Paul in his book A 4 Call to Economic Arms talks about his internal spiritual life and his driving interest in r ra spiritual striving Yes striving Yes hes he's a Democrat While being a s strong rong separatist separatist separatist-of of church and state that is is makes a good argument for political leadership that makes the search for understanding of pf our pl place ce in the he great order of things a priority He calls for calls for our national leadership that would make mighty the spiritual bonds that make us a people explains his spiritual connectedness ss in Heading Home a book about his struggle with cancer that God was always there for meNow the entire matter of belief is central to me and gives m me a true sense of direction H Heading Home ends with this prayer Let me dear Lord spend my life filled with the capa capacity ty to see what is before me and to be fulfilled fulfilled fulfilled ful ful- ful- ful filled in that sight Of cou course remarks arent aren't very witty or hilarious If Tsong s were elected president we might have to ponder the meaning of deeper deep r wisdom like that instead of being entertained As himself once remarked horrors Wouldn't we rather keep our hole in the ozone Wouldn't we rather keep the holes in our heads |
