Show The United States of Hollywood By ED Well weve we've finally gone and done it put an actor in the White House Farmers soldiers even a afew afew afew few lawyers have made it so why not an actor Who knows President Reagan might even get the federal government into the AC top 20 But Ronnie isn't the first former actor or actress to be given an important position in the US U.S. Government A former child star from the was Chief of Protocol in the State Department from 1975 to 1977 Her name Shirley Temple Black that little girl who sang Good Ship Lollipop many many moons ago But I ask you who is it now If Shirley and Ronnie can be good in Washington why not simply turn the leadership of our country over to actors and actresses in general After all a few of them have been playing Presidents and Congressmen now for years In order to best bring about the transition we must first concentrate on the Cabinet to see if actors really can run the country smoothly I have some nominations ready for each Cabinet position selected only after careful thought and a brief explanation of each choice Here then the Cabinet DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND SOCIAL SERVICES JACK KLUGMAN QUINCY I mean who else Having a coroner on the Cabinet would definitely come in handy This way we could find out if the majority of the solons in Congress are really dead or if they only seem that way DEPARTMENT OF STATE ALAN ALDA M M. M MASH A A. S S. S H For Captain Pierce it was a tossup between the State Department or the Defense Department I decided upon the State Department since Hawkeye would be best suited to keeping us out of a war rather than figuring out what to do after it starts I found somebody else for that- that as you'll soon see DEPARTMENT OF COMMERCE JOHNNY CARSON THE TONIGHT SHOW A logical choice if I do say so myself I mean Johnny could couldwell well he could he could be counted on for fora a grand entrance at the Cabinet meetings to say nothing about the occasional Congressional bash DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY JAMES DOOHAN STAR TREK Lieutenant Commander Montgomery Scott of the Starship Enterprise would know what to do about our energy problems right off the bat A single ounce of matter anti-matter as any could tell you has enough potential strength to destroy a planet a chunk to the size of a grain of salt could probably power an automobile for weeks Scotty would know how to harness it DEPARTMENT OF THE INTERIOR DAVID STAR WARS Darth Vader could really keep the various state governments in line If they tried anything funny hed he'd sic his Storm Troopers on them DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION DAVID L. L LANDER LAVERNE SHIRLEY A perfect example of what could happen to YOU if youre you're not careful DEPARTMENT OF HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT ISABEL SANFORD THE JEFFERSONS It was decided that there should be at least one woman on the Cabinet to say nothing of minorities Louise Jefferson was chosen because she has seen how both sides live a former neighbor of Archie Bunker now living in a elegant apartment Who better in Hollywood for HUD DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE HENRY WINKLER HAPPY DAYS I almost put Alan Alda AIda here but wisely figured that the thelast thelast thelast last place to put a man of peace would be the Defense department I figured that Arthur would do best here since in event of a war Fonzie could simply intimidate the world DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY LARRY HAGMAN DALLAS Who would be better with the handling of large sums of money than JR Ewing Besides the sooner we get him out of the oil business the better DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE PETER F FALK ALK COLUMBO Having been on both sides of the law he should know how the American court system works And that raincoat of his would set a good example to other Cabinet members and government officials who usually wear suits and ties He would be a welcome change from the sterility of formal wear DEPARTMENT OF LABOR CARROL OCONNOR O'CONNOR ARCHIE BUNKERS BUNKER'S PLACE Who knows more about the trials and tribulations of working class America than Archie self profess ed expert on everything And Im I'm reasonably sure that the Secretary of HUD see above would stop him from alienating minorities too much DEPARTMENT OF TRANS TRANS- DANNY DEVITO TAXI He seems to have the idea of mass transport in New Work down pat so why now let him rule the nations nation's highways Im I'm sure that he can sympathize with drivers everywhere and if he cant can't we could always get him a job with the UTA Page 5 |