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Show fhl.Phillipr ELMER TWITCHELL AND I THE VICTORY GARDEN Elmer Twitchell issued a communique commu-nique today announcing that he has launched his spring Victory Garden drive again. "I never won a victory over it yet," he said sadly, "but I am going to try once more." "I can't give you much time," he told reporters. "I'm going over the whole situation to check up on gains and losses in my campaigns so far, find out where I am, consolidate my forces and decide on my 1943 tactics." "What's your tactical position?" a reporter asked. "I'm not positive," he replied. "This is only my second summer in the field. Last summer it was touch and go most of the way, with a pretty pret-ty serious defeat at the finish. I held my own until August when overwhelming over-whelming forces just about ruined me." "Are you more confident of victory vic-tory this season?" "1 am stronger than I was a year ago, I've trained hard all winter. I've got some new weapons and I have the will to win." "Do you intend to wage a defense or offensive war?" "I found out last summer that you can't get anywhere with a Victory Garden on the defensive. Those damned bugs love it if you stay on the defensive. That's right up their alley." "Don't forget," Elmer resumed, "that all these garden pests and blights were in a much better position posi-tion than I was when the fight started. start-ed. They had been doing nothing else but waging an all-out war for years. I was green at it." "Was it the element of surprise that bothered you?" he was asked. "Not so much surprise as the power pow-er and determination of the enemy," he replied. "And of course their reserves are inexhaustible. I'd lick 'em and think I had wiped out the last bug, and up would come, another an-other battalion of 'em. That sort of thing gets pretty discouraging." "Who do you think was your toughest foe?" a reporter asked. "I thought General Aphis was tough early in the season but later the Mexican Bean Beetle proved harder to beat. His armored attack on bean vines is terrific. Then came the Japanese Beetle. He used heavy tanks and is strictly a suicide fighter." Elmer seemed depressed just reviewing re-viewing last year's garden campaign. cam-paign. ' 'I threw them all back up to midsummer, but then General Cutworm Cut-worm attacked in force, using blitz methods. He was supported by waves of corn borers, potato bugs and snails." "How about your chemical warfare?" war-fare?" he was asked. "Oh, I gave 'em all I had, but they had too many fresh shock troops to throw in. But do you know what really broke down my morale last season?" "No." "The neighbors' chickens," concluded con-cluded Elmer. "That .was what got me. I thought they were neutral. They were Fifth Columnists!" Add similes: As funny as New York talking about crime waves in other cities. Ima Dodo thinks that the new Tracy-Hepburn film, "Keeper ol the Flame," is a heart-stirring drama of the winter struggle with the oil furnace problem. Larry Singer thinks some con- gressmen who turned down the Ruml plan thought they were voting against Rommel. R. Roelofs Jr. wants to know iJ you remember away back when antipasto included a sardine? And when you could get a radio repaired? Can You Remember Away back when you could walk right past a food display in a store window without looking? "M. G." suggests as his own beverage bev-erage plan: Free beer and pretzels from the cradle to the grave. Hi-Remember Hi-Remember away back whn the wail was "all meat and nc potatoes"? W. B. FSRIOLA. E. Arcy nominates frr the civilian "E Aivard" Oswald KillufJ who ajtet 30 years experimenting has evolved a method of baking an apple pie without seeds or bits of c?re in it. "Hitler's mental trouble has passed the phase where it could only be recognized by specialists. It is now obvious to the layman." Swiss dispatch. dis-patch. wiiaddaya mean by "now"! A Guernsey heifer on a farm in Elms-wood, Elms-wood, V. V., suddenly stopped contented content-ed grazing, lore across the field and dove into a swimming pool. Such behavior be-havior is hard to explain. But we must remember that a cow can't gel into the headlines today by merely doing tht things mother used to do. |