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Show MR. TWITCIIELL VIEWS WITH ALARM Paul R. Burkholder, associate professor pro-fessor of botany at Yale, predicts that we will be eating "vegetable steaks" and drinking "soybean milkshakes" milk-shakes" in the near future. The professor pro-fessor says this will come about with the conquering of "ignorance concerning con-cerning nutrition values, the elements ele-ments of an adequate diet, and vitamin vita-min B content." Elmer Twitchell threw down his paper and made a wry face. "Somebody's "Some-body's always lowering my morale," he sighed. "The very thought of a vegetable steak is terrible. It'll be pretty awful if all we get out of this World war is a tenderloin of artichoke!" arti-choke!" As for milkshakes, Elmer admitted admit-ted the ones he has been getting lately tasted pretty funny and the drug-store clerk might be using soybeans soy-beans in them right now. "I want a federal commission for the Control of the Soybean," he declared de-clared with feeling. "They're letting let-ting it run wild. And I'm for less talk about vitamins and less scientific scien-tific exploration into what's in vege-tables vege-tables today that nobody suspected was there yesterday. ' "Oh, for the days when a man sat down at the table and simply ate. what was put before him without with-out any thought of vitamins, proteins pro-teins and all that! The good old times when all he had to decide was if the vittles tasted good! i "I used to enjoy my meals. I was a good feeder up to about ten years ago. I thought a soybean was a Chinese bran. Proteins were never mentioned in my set For all I knew of them vitamins were something some-thing in geometry. Then I began to hear a lot of talk about nutrition values with warnings about-what certain things in a square meal could do to me. I began to get nervous about eating at all. "But I managed to get along pretty pret-ty well for a while although eating ceased to be the fun it had been all my life. Then came the glorification glorifica-tion of the various vitamins, with every radio program yelling about 'em. The vitamin ballyhoo went so far that about four years ago I found I couldn't look a dinner plate in the face without misgivings. "If the hostess said 'Won't you have some more lamb stew, Mr. Twitchell?' I couldn't say 'Yes thanks, like I used to. I had to stop and think it over, wondering if Yale had gone into the matter of lamb stews and turned In a verdict. "It was the same way with everything. every-thing. I grew cautious about liver and onions, furtive with regard to a New England boiled dinner and very apprehensive about that old standby, stand-by, ham and eggs." Elmer was weeping. "It's just too bad," he sobbed, "why can't they do something about Yale professors, chemists in general and the soybean and vitamins A, B and C in particular?" par-ticular?" New York's policewomen have just been equipped with a cowhide bag holding a .38 caliber pistol, a medium red lipstick and a powder puff. We expect any day now to hear some desperado shriek, "She pulled a lipstick on me!" "Use your gun as you do your lipstick," cautioned Mayor LaGuar-dia LaGuar-dia to the policewomen. At first we thought this highly dangerous advice. ad-vice. We thought it might do a lot of damage to a lady's hps. But it seems the Mayor added the clause, "use it only when you need it; don't overdo either."' This may be hard for a policewoman police-woman to follow. What the Mayor probably meant was, "Don't blaze away with your lipstick the minute you get in a tough spot; try pacifying paci-fying the offender with a little rouge and a kick in the shins first." It is reported that throughout Germany Ger-many the people are soft pedaling the "Heil Hitler" to such a point that the Nazis are rebuking them and demanding more oomph in it. Possibly the Germans are feeling a terrific urge to scrap the greeting and substitute "In Der Fuehrer's Face." Ima Dodo's by-frlend Stupe Mc-Gonlgle Mc-Gonlgle says he can't get Into the war because they're only going to take fathers. The Nazis have 30 different ways of expressing it when they have taken tak-en a big licking. And they will soon be able to use them all at one time. Said the Nazis fleeing "across the Dneiper "It was our mistake going In deeper." deep-er." Reaction Fancy skaters wherever seen Tend to drive me off my bean. And I can icream until I'm green At fancy skating on the i creen. A young candidate for the nav;' was being put through a genere knowledge test by a board of ac mirals. "What kind of animals ea'' grass?" one of them asked. 5 The candidate fidgeted ani1 stared out of the window, but saiP nothing. The question was repeal ed but he still remained dumb, f "Surely," said one of the examiners, exam-iners, kindly, "you can answer If simple question like that? I wil repeat it. What kind of animal"" eat grass?" "Animals!" gasped the bo "Why, I thought you were saying admirals.' " . . !' |