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Show Gadspurn's Luck. "I feel like apologising to GaJ-spurn." GaJ-spurn." "Why so?" "I have always thought him a hard man, but yesterday when 1 called on him to see if he would pay an account, he has owed our firm for some time. I found him with a handkerchief to his eyes, apparently in tears. Not wishing to intrude on a man at such a painful moment, -I hastily withdrew." with-drew." "Ha! ha! I also called on Gadspurn shortly after you did and found him still In tear." "And did you sympathize with him?" "Sure. In fact I got the cinder out of his eye that was bothering him so much." LIGHT WOULD SOON BE OUT. silk f&T&'v iiA He You used to say I was the light of your life. She Yes, but papa says you're burning the candle at both ends. Good News. Great joy is written on her fare, A happiness that knows no bounds; She hopes to trip with girlish grace Because she's lost eleven pounds. Wants Mulligan's Room. A little Irishman in a state of great excitement and deshabille ran into the lobby of the hotel. "I want a room," he said to the clerk, "and I want it quick." "What room do you want?" inquired the clerk politely. "I want 37." "But 37 is already occupied Mulligan Mulli-gan has that room." "I know he has," responded the little lit-tle Irishman. "I'm Mulligan, and I just fell out of the window." Photo Bits. The Hero and the Valet. "No man is a hero to his valet," said the ready-made philosopher. "Well," replied Senator Sorghum, "with so .many people willing to give admiring demonstrations without charge, a man wouldn't feel like paying pay-ing a valet to applaud." Mystery. Bacon I see Alaska has Its first 3ining-car made out of an old coach in the Cordova shops and managed by a man and his wife. Egbert Very interesting. But I think it would be more important to know what some of the dishes served an the dining-car are made of. A Disrespect. "Did you read the novel I have just gotten out?" asked the persistent author. au-thor. "Yes." "What did you think of it?" "It is one of those terrible practical prac-tical jokes that are constantly being played on the genius that invented the printing press." GIVING HER A POINTER.. - i 0), 0f i Miss Heavyweight Yes, I'd like to be a good basketball player. Are there any books you could recommend that would help me? Mr. Knowing Well, before taking It up you might get some points on "First Aid to the Injured." An Old Annoyance. The curtain rises, pleased we are To see the play begin, But cannot hear the famous star For people trqoplng in. Not Enjoyable. "Do you shave yourself?" askea the victim in the chair. "Sure thing," replied the garrulous barber. "And do you enjoy it?" "Never! Y'ou see, I do It when I'm alone, and so there's no one for me to talk to." WHAT PUZZLED PETE. The clergyman of a small town had a t'nie orchard and one night it was robbed, the only cine left being the robber's linger-print on an overrip peach. The minister had an onor nuuis photographic (-ulargeiue.it ol the finger-print made and, with ii under his arm, accosted the man he suspected. "Pete." he said, "someone .robbed my orchard last night." Pete gulped nervously. "Is that so. sir?" he said. "Yes, Pete, that's so," replied thf minister; "but the thief left his mark behind him and I shall easilv find him." "Yes, sir," said Pete, huskily. "Yes. Do you see this, Pete?" and the minister held up the huge enlargement en-largement of the finger-print. Pete made n gesture of despr.lrr "1 see there ain't no use denying It parson," he raid. "1 done it. P.ul I sure would like to know where you got that Impression of my corduroy pants." Point In His Favor. "You ought to he ashamed of yourself your-self to roam aimlessly about and never nev-er do any work," said Mrs. Naggers, to the ragged specimen of humanity who stood at her door. "That's true, mum," replied the wanderer. wan-derer. "And yet; you must give me credit for one thing." "And what is thai?" "Although I have been traveling over the world for more than twenty years, I have "never yet acquired the souvenir habit." Her Specialty. ; "So you took your wife to the baseball base-ball game?" "Yes," replied Mr. Meekton. "Did" she enjoy it?" "Only part of It. She thought they wasted a great deal of time running around the lot, but she thought, the arguments with the umpire were quite interesting." NO CHURCH CEREMONY. Bp - IS' Lovelorn You wish me to elope with your daughter! Why, sir? Harduppe Becaue, no wedding bills for me. Pay! Pay! Pay! " " ' ' In vain we Jacks kick up a fuss At garb worn by our Jills; The only footwork aked of us Is that we foot the bills. Honest, and Didn't Know It. "What's the matter here?" asked the customer after apples. "There are no big apples on the top of this barrel?" "I'll tell you about that," replied the dealer; "when I got the barrel packed with small apples there wasn't any room on the top for any big ones." Nervy. First Flatter My alarm clock never wakes me now Second Flatter Well, the noise isn't wasted; it wakes me every morning. First Flatter Is that so? Say, would you mind running down and pounding on my door when you hear it? Surely. Church You know, he's an Englishman. English-man. Gotham So I believe. "He told me he had a mortgage on his place over home of one thousand pounds." "Pretty heavy to lift, I should say." Once Enough. "Did you go to the theater while you were in New Y'ork ?" "Only once. After that I hung around cafes, thinking something exciting ex-citing might happen." . W here They Do It. ""Oh, the ease with which some men can master great difficulties!" sighed the sweet maid. "Oh, yes; I read novels, too," commented com-mented the young man. Go Away Dovkn. "Good gracious!" exclaimed the first amateur fisherman; "I'm nearly out o! -hooks. I don't think fishhooks go as fai as they used to." "Well, I know they do when they get into eels," replied the second amateur ama-teur fisherman, sadly. Kept Busy. "What do you do when it gets too cold to play golr, Mr. Niblick'" "Well, as a rule, I ke( p lu'pinp fur '.an early spring or a rhai:ci (U I south tor a month or two." v |