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Show 1 r r r rrr r O: TTeim (H)9ClliD(Bk : WDnfisttn . by David Fleisher There are ways to handle people who mouth off in theaters Over the weekend I saw "Cujo," a terrifying movie about a dog who gets bitten qy a bat, becomes rabid and then goes on the warpath after people. I enjoyed watching this movie, but unfortunately un-fortunately I wasn't able to hear all of it, not because I have bad hearing, but because there were some clowns sitting sit-ting behind me who talked during every scene. I figure I heard about half the dialogue; I'm going back to hear the other half this week. When the movie was over, several people in the audience wished that these clowns in the back row were "Cujo's" victims. ;. It should be pointed out that the t clowns, who probably had a collective :- IQ of 13, were not children but adults. : Much of their conversation had little to :' do with what was going on in the movie. You'd think they were attend-:: attend-:: ing a party and that the movie was ); being screened in another room of the house. One idiot kept trying to be more clever in his remarks than the idiot next to him. For example, in one scene "Cujo," the dog, attacks someone, and the one idiot screams, "It's din-din time! "Funny, huh? 1 In another scene, the dog sits on the '- hood of a car and peers inside at a mother and her son . One of the clowns I in the back yells, "Don't call me, I'll call you!" :-- At this point, the audience began to squirm. I heard a man in front of me mutter under his breath, "I wish they'd shut up. I can't hear what's going on." And the woman next to him replied, "They shouldn't let people like ; that in movies." ' There are certain movies where audience cross-talk is okay; in fact, in "Rocky Horror Show" you're sup posed to talk during various designated scenes. It's part of the whole experience of seeing this movie. The audience, literally, gets involved with the action on the screen, and it's fun and entertaining. However, "Cujo," and nearly every other movie, is more entertaining when actors on the screen do most of the talking, not clogheads in the audience. Local theater supporter Maggie Reno abhors idle chatter during a movie. "There's nothing more annoying an-noying than going to a movie and hearing the person behind you talk," she said. We began to list ways to handle han-dle people who mouth off in theaters, ranging from a mild verbal warning to physical abuse. In the physical abuse category, Maggie and I agreed that different forms of torture might persuade the clown to be quiet. One idea is to publicly humiliate the offender: place a blindfold around his eyes and parade him in front of theaters carrying a sign which reads, "Don't sit near me, I stink and I talk." A more extreme form would be to hang the SOB; just jerk him out of his seat during the movie and hang him in front of the audience. I'm in favor of hanging only as a last resort, after all other ways of persuasion have been exhausted. , Another idea is the big "drag down." This is when you grab the talking fool by the heels and drag him down the theater along the tops of the seats. As his head hits each seat he apologize: by saying, "I'm sorry." This may not be a good idea for two reasons. One, it would be distracting to the audience watching the movie; and two, the person per-son might die of concussion. Of course if he dies of a concussion, it would save him from having to experience the next form of public humiliation hanging. Whenever I would go to a movie with my sister in New York, we generally encountered at least one talking fool. My sister became a seasoned New Yorker, direct and to the point. She stared at the fool a few moments and if he continued to jabber, she said, "Shut up!" People sitting around us would voice their "shut up" as well, some hissed and made unflattering unflat-tering gestures with their hands (bash-fulness (bash-fulness is not particularly common in New York). If all this didn't keep the loudmouth quiet, my sister would get the usher. But sometimes the usher turned out to be a wimp in which case one would have to take the matter into his own hands. This brings you back to the physical abuse category (big "drag down" or public hanging). A person who talks during a movie in Mexico is subject to brutal retaliation. They throw objects (popcorn, candy wrappers, coke bottles, etc.). When I was in Mexico several years ago, I saw someone throw a full can of beer down from the balcony. It got real quiet after that. Before we resort to an all-out war against people who talk during movies, I have a modest proposal to make. This paper has a policy of publishing the names of persons convicted of driving under the influence of alcohol. I think that same policy should apply to clowns who insist on talking to one another while the rest of us are trying to watch a movie. As I walk up Main Street I hear the Ten O'clock Whistle. |