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Show OPENED BY MISTAKE B 1 B! ' BAER (Copyright 1920 By Universal Ser " ice i SAN" FRANCISCO, July 2 Tho 1 convention Is nearlv healed. In a few hours, the delegates will come out from under verbal ether, tho party I surgebna will put seventeen stitches' in their platform, close the door and 1 hang this sign on the knob. ' Opened by . mistake " The wild, buffetlsh roar of a walrus calling for It-s mate Is but a cootlshl chirp compared with the office calling for Its inmate In the words of Near-' Admiral Grayson, the only admiral licensed to carry n scabbard full of quinine pllli the office sicks the man For six days, the auditorium has re. senibled the laughlns room in the Mat'.eawan comic academy with the Tower of Babel was a monologue compared com-pared with this convention. The cackling cack-ling of gee-se saved Rome but thevi couldn't save anything in this convention conven-tion except a little gooseflesh. The delegate and accomplices have squawked 'emselves sour. And the would do oven bettor If they knew what it was all about. In picking out the auditorium as a chlrplns guragc the Democratic selected se-lected a place where the sweet, financial finan-cial lone of Caruso have almost made folks forget what they paid for the price of a neat Where Ysaye has lulled thousands into a subnormal stale of mental rapture, the raucous voice of the Democrat has been lifted in egotistical lamentation prophesying prophesy-ing the four lean years that ill .soon descend upon the Bgyjftlan officeholders. officehold-ers. While Paderewaltl, McCormlck and Mischa Klman have toyod with heartstrings, heart-strings, and pursestrings. the Democratic Demo-cratic chairman has played with shoestrings. shoe-strings. Where Galli-Curci once made hundred feel like millions, the cam-' palKn committee ha. made millions look like Jitneys. The chautaucpia pipes of Bill Bryan have desecrated' the home of music and fine arts, run-j nlnp the gamut of Democrat emotions from the Melancholy loganberry tremolo tre-molo to the rouieh, manly soprano of the League of Carrie Katlona In a voice choked with fal teeth ana with Ideas looxer than an old-fashioned old-fashioned bed slat, the ballyhoo. r has nominated the chosen won of un III-choaen III-choaen Uelea-Atlon and has aecn his nominee fold up like the InsldSS of a Pullman eleeper The diaphragm of the kevnoter has bellowed his party platform to the world and It Is still a secret. Stretching a double oct.-ve upon the ronsonant battered aeons-tiTi aeons-tiTi he has thrummed upon the Harp That mr Through Tar.i'e Halla and nobody heard & sound. Wet planks wre ground silently in-' to sawdust on a rubber saw. Conven-I tlons are rlther maxim silencer or. megaphones. Ital Issues have been. Ignored by both parlies. The barber' hn.H shaved the man but there are .tiil six or seven wild hairs on his chin. The difference between the Rcpub-j llcan and Democrat conventions stems to be about three cents a mile. They! didn't do anything that couian t have! been tranKarted through thi- malls! during a strike of lettercAxrler. A nnn-artlsan sgulnt at both platform-si indicates that Sam Llod will be our next president and the new adminls-! tratlon will be run on the old polleles: of work for the worklngman. luxes for the taxpayers and tho adminls-! trash will not be responsible for hats and overcoats. Having (ravelled thousands of miles to stand still, the boys will now ad-' Journ. r- aj home The convention was a success, but oh that such a flower should Moon. I lo wither In a week. I Xo man had the foresight to pro- p-'Si- ,i plank ,,n w I,. .Ju ,,r,i.I the doctor nrrlves. The nr.iy thing the I country con do is to drop n raisin into a hot water bag and hope- that its ' political plpe. Allah bs with us. Allah being hort for Allahcohol. lt us bow to the yeast like all good rumhdmmedana, ami trust that the next four vears will i bring us nothing that wo haven't had m hlldhood. |