Show 0 CL aba Z t Tombstone Inscriptions PHOENIX ARIZ A A gentleman gentle- gentle A man took me sightseeing through a cemetery that tha t abounded abound abound- ed in proud mausoleums and nd stately shafts I figured he wanted to show me that rich folks continue to enjoy the utmost luxury even after becoming de de- de ceased How futile and how vain are most tombstone They give the theda da dates tes of birth and death events in i neither of which the departed had any so say-so unless unless he committed suicide And just as the av- av Irvin S. S Cobb graveside eulogy eulogy eulogy eu eu- eu- eu logy is a belated plea for the defense offered after the evidence is all in so an epitaph is an advertisement for a line of goods which permanently permanently permanently perma perma- has been discontinued Somehow this burying ground stuff reminds me of hired critics of other mens men's efforts The difference between professional book reviewers review review- ers and the other is that the latter do their work after you pass on but the reviewers cant can't wait until youre you're dead to write your literary death notice for you Maybe critics are to authors what fleas were to David Harum's dog they keep authors from brooding on being authors Catching Barracuda L LEO EO CARILLO is quite a yachtsman yachts yachts- man when not acting for the screen or leading parades Hes He's our champion parade leader Its It's got gotso so they dont don't dare let a colored funeral funeral funeral fu fu- fu- fu go past his house for fear hell he'll rush right out and head the sion On one of those days when there wasn't a parade he took Victor Moore foore and me mp out on his boat We Ve caught a mess of slim yet fragrant fish Leo called them barracuda but with their low retreating foreheads foreheads foreheads fore fore- heads and greedy jaws they looked more like shyster lawyers to me methe methe methe me- me the kind who chase ambulances and eventually get disbarred Glad Mad Iad Artists H HERETOFORE the glad mad geniuses who produce masterpieces masterpieces masterpieces master master- pieces of sculpture and painting which resemble nothing on heaven or earth or in the waters below except possibly some bad dream which these parties had once while feeling feeling feeling feel feel- ing pretty bilious have depended upon the ultra among the intelligentsia intelligentsia intelli intelli- for support But now one hears divers millionaires millionaires millionaires million million- aires may endow for them an academy academy academy aca aca- demy or a gallery gallery or or possibly its it's an asylum for the more violent cases Anyhow theres there's money behind behind behind be be- hind the cult and when money gets behind a thing in this country it itus us ally flourishes provided the money doesn't get too far behind as happened in 1929 when the rest of the country was trying to figure out what had become of the deposits and investments which we of the sucker class had entrusted to our leading financial wizards Still we of that same ignorant mass group do not have to buy examples examples examples ex ex- amples of this new We dont don't even have to look at them unless were we're in Germany and are escorted to the official state-run state display by a I regiment of Nazi storm And aside from their ideas of I what constitutes art its it's said that I Isome some Borne of the artists themselves are not really dangerous merely annoying annoying annoying annoy annoy- ing in an itchy sort of way In other words they're all right if you dont don't get one of em cm on you Pugilistic Authors IM I'M M ALWAYS missing something On the occasion of one really historic historic historic his his- battle between a brace of distinguished distinguished dis dis- dis writers I yawningly left the scene before Sinclair Lewis and Theodore Dreiser quit swapping hard words and started swapping soft blows And it was just my luck to be out here recently when Ernest Hemingway Heming Heming- way threw a book book or or maybe it was wasa a publisher anyhow some such hard knobby object object object-at at Mr Max Eastman and Mr Eastman retorted retort retort- ed cd with a tremendous push which damaged Mr Hemingway not at all The typical writer no matter how red-blooded red his style may be packs all nIl his wallops in his pen and never neverin neverin neverin in his fist There have been exceptions Once Rex Beach cleaned out outa a night club all by himself but his opponents were hoodlums not fel reI low He had something substantial substantial substantial sub sub- to work on Some of my belligerent brethren in the writing game never lose an argument but on the other hand none of them ever won a fight Neither did their literary opponents In fact next to the average professional professional professional pugilist I can think thin of no one who in the heat of combat equals a writer for showing such magnificent magnificent cent self-control self when it comes either ei- ei either either ei ei- ther to inflicting personal injury or sustaining same IRVIN S. 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