Show what I- I S JiP fP n- n about thinks I Saluting the President PresidentS 1 ANTA MONICA CALIF S SANTA Top of the morning to you Mr President Elect Many happy happy happy hap hap- py returns But youve you've already seen the happy returns haven't you Weve We've been behind you right along At times some of us may have been so far behind you we couldn't seem to see you at all But why bring that tS up P now S As for those who voted the opposition ticket well ticket well Americans Americans Ameri Amen cans may be greedy to win but they're 5 sporty losers Besides Besides Besides Be Be- sides it'll soon b e eS ehard ehard S hard to find anybody se who was against you Among the S multitude the patriot patri patri- Irvin S. S Cobb ot who actually opposed opposed opposed op op- op- op posed you except maybe in a whimsical spirit will willbe willbe willbe be as lonesome as an honest bone in the average contest beauty-contest promoters promoter's promoters promoter's promoters promoter's pro pro- moter's body C S S Synthetic Napoleon Brandy T I WILL VILL now tell about Napoleon brandy Napoleon brandy is any brandy more than four years old if poured from a dark bottle with an N uN on it and decorated with cobwebs applied by an expert cobweb cobweb cobweb cob cob- web twiner before being served price to 3 per slug at your favorite robbers' robbers cave More for genuine guaranteed Napoleon Napoleon Napoleon Napo Napo- leon brandy is sold every month in New York night clubs alone than all of the regular Napoleons numbered numbered numbered num num- respectively I II n and III ever saw What brought these interesting sta statistics to mind was running into I a collector of Napoleon brandies Why some of his specimens must date back as far as 1914 But my aim is to collect the pistols pistols pistols pis pis- pis- pis carried by Jesse J James and the handcuffs worn by Billy the Kid Its It's a great ambition but may run into money because it will take a large hall to contain all the Jesse James six-shooters six and all the Billy the Kid handcuffs Ive I've seen S S S Hurrying to Get Nowhere WHEN I see a V V burning up the road and feel confident that ninety-nine ninety times out of a hundred theres there's no earthly need for his hurry I think of a Japanese gentleman who visited a typical New York go They started downtown The guide hurried his guest aboard a subway local yanked him off at Times Square jammed him on a packed express pulled him out of the express express ex ex- press further down and violently inserted him into another overflowing overflow overflow- ing local When they emerged at ata a way-station way the Japanese was I badly bruised rumpled and tram tram- pled He limped to his hosts host's office where they sat down with practically practically practically cally nothing to do except relax So he asked why they'd changed cars so often when the original train would have brought them along Yorker doing doing doing do Oh ItOh said the New ing that we save six minutes The oriental sucked in his breath politely and did some pondering And what he murmured then what were you going to do with the six minutes S S S Cobbs Cobb's Pet Annoyances SOMEBODY c writes in demanding demanding demand- demand ing to know what my pet loath loath- ings are Well Vell lets let's see sac Is it the fellow who having heard every blamed word you said waits until youre you're all aU through and then says What Or the barber who having finIshed finished finished fin fin- the job grabs up a towel and dabbles you with ninety hundred and seventy-four seventy separate and distinct dabs Or the clerk who when you go goin goin goin in for a pair of socks tries to sell you everything in the store including including including ing some p pajamas a j jam a m a s that you wouldn't be caught dead in Or the orator who says one last word and buries that last word under about five thousand other words Or the solicitor who begins by asking for just a minute and hangs on until you begin to figure the present Christian era must be approaching approaching approaching ap ap- ap- ap its close S S S Stage and Stock Market I ITS IT'S ITS IT'S TS T'S curious that two of the most A fascinating and envied professions and acting acting do do not necessarily call for mt int Not that there arent aren't brilliant perSons persons persons per per- sons plenty a-plenty engaged in both lines But the mimetic quality the knack of rendering other peoples people's lines perhaps without ever understanding understanding understanding under under- standing them may be but a sublimated sublimated sub sub- emotional instinct just as I sometimes the ability to make great gobs of money has nothing to do with brains or rather brains have nothing to do with it A certain man can smell out a hidden dollar exactly as a rat terrier sniffs behind behind be be- hind the wainscoting the rat which I another dog would pass unnoticed There are young ladies capably interpreting classic roles who probably I ably think Salome is the name of i an on Italian sausage IRVIN S. S CO COBB Service |