OCR Text |
Show vfkl.Phill!pr IY II KK TMTl't II I I I. ON lMH't HON Dear Klmer: Well, I am In the army, but I won't bo much help to it for a long time on account of being all worn out by the physical exami-j exami-j nation. 1 had an idea it was easy to get into a war today, but I find it Is , almost impossible. 1 can't make out yet whether 1 was being examined I for the army or for a Mister Amer- j lea contest. I ' My great great-grandfatlier fought at Bunker Hill when he had Hat ! feet, a complete set of false teeth and one glass eye. Always I have i the idea that what counts Is how a j man can tight and not what shape 1 his teeth are In or whether he has j had his tonsils out, but do 1 learn ; different! Even when I was examined for life insurance it wasn't so tough. Five times I try to explain to the doctors getting into the army wasn't my idea anyhow, and that I showed up because Uncle Sam invited me, and why treat me like I was trying to put something over? What was I drafted for, anyhow, a war or screen test? ... What gets me is the way they go over my teeth. Say, ain't it enough I should lick Hit- Pi .J ler without being f ' ' expected to eat T (I J? him? They poke l around my up- i " Jt pers and lowers j 'y ' loe they suspect- I was using somebody else's teeth and they find trouble I didn't even know I had with 'em. If my j teeth don't give me no trouble, why I should they worry the United States army in a time like this? I will ' lay you two to one that Napoleon's teeth were punkeroo and I think I read a piece once what said Julius j Caesar. George Washington. U. S. Grant and most of the Green Mountain Moun-tain boys didn't see their dentists ! twice a year, either. ... ' They go over my eyes, too. like j they thought they was examining , a guy who was making an appli- i . flr J cation to become -3y -j a watch inspec- y yi vrH , tor. I have been y wearing glasses j for a couple of -tf' . P' j years and I don't N . ' , have no trouble I getting around in civilian clothes, so I what makes 'em so worried I won't be able to recognize an enemy army when I see it? ... All my life I have no complaints about my ears, but these fellows at the induction look tc' 'em over' make i tests and shake J'5ij't; their heads as if i V Ct 4 they thu6ht they f V-J were the kind of "' ears lhat MIGHT wear out too ear- "" ' ' 1 ly in life. When 1 think it is all over they go over my feet, which are in swell shape like most Americans on account nobody no-body in this country uses feet any more. Everybody either drives an auto or is a hitch-hiker. Their feet are good now. but wait until they have been doing army patrol six months! ... Well, anyhow. I barely get in on account I am six points short of being the Perfect Man and once had asthma. Yours for a war anybody can get into, Luke. .... WOMEN AND DEFENSE C'E. V. McCoUum of Johns Hopkins told the meeting that the women of America could help in the defense program by seeing that their menfolks got proper food." News item.) Ladies, would you help defense? Would you make your country stronger? Feed your menfolks with more care Do not serve that hash much longer! Do you want our coastline safe From the batterings of Dover? Have a heart and do not chirp, "Honey, this was just left over." Are you for preparedness? Do you want the future sunny? Cut that old line, "Sorry, but We're just having cold cuts, honey!" . In this business of leasing war supplies to England, Elmer Twitchell hopes we don't wind up with nothing noth-ing but a mortgage on a couple of smoke screens. ... Well, nobody can say our defense program hasn't a lag to stand on. . SIMILES As unconvincing as a bald magician. magi-cian. As wpU spa d-d as a banquet menu Martin Rajjuway. |