Show Scribe Satisfies Satisfies' Desire To Be Football Nero Hero i HOW OV TO BE E A FOOTBALL HERO OR FIFTEEN THUMPS ON A DEAD MANS MAN'S CHEST By FRANK ALLEN Ever since I saw that the skeleton skeleton skeleton ton in m my bedroom closet was wearing a helmet Ive I've wanted to tobe tobe tobe be a football hero so the other day clay I trundled over to the dressing room to ask Mr Armstrong i if he needed any home-grown home what Utah makes makes Utah ball tot- tot ers Do you need any cut rate super special mail carriers I asked flashing my union card not suit Nope Hope said Mr Armstrong Armstrong Armstrong Arm Arm- strong all I need is a 3 pair of goal goalposts goalposts goalposts posts wrapped in sarongs The only things made the boys keep trying to cross the goal line lineup lineup lineup up to now have been curiosity the idea someone gave them that the end zone is thick with four leaf clovers and the Hodgson Hat Before Before Before Be Be- fore this interesting colloquy could continue a curious citizen in a 3 red and white jersey who looked so muscle bound that he couldn't comb his own hair stepped up and in intones intones intones tones which would make Lil Lily Pons sound like the noon whistle told me that Id I'd have to get a torso checkup check check- up over at student health before the they'd d even let me breathe deeply within whistling distance o of the athle athletic ic plant panL So I took a physical examination II The doctors who give the examination examination examination I nation have the bedside manners of ofa a bevy of wounded cougars and they're a lead pipe cinch to make an anybody body short of Clarence Gherke feel like a fugitive from an oxy oxy- gen tent Maybe Im I'm just an architectural architectural architectural arch arch- monstrosity but b by the time they got through criticizing me I felt like Princess Alice at a Democratic National convention I walked in to the first room feeling as chipper as a sparrow on ona ona ona a hat and flashed my best F F. D D. D R. R guess Who's vho's running for a third term smile at the medico medico med nied- ico who was over in the corner doing doing do do- ing a snappy land Dixie-land chorus of Here We Ve Go Gathering Nuts In May He turned out to be the eye specialist and his chief chie claim to fame was vas that he was the only optometrist optometrist optometrist op op- op- op in the world who thought that a retina was one of the fees an attorney charged How are they doc doe I asked after hed he'd been gazing at my optics as if he dropped dropped dropped drop drop- ped a bit of sand in them and was waiting for pearls to form Well Vell he said they aint exactly 20 ih fact youve you've got a brace of pupils pupils pupils pu pu- pu- pu pils that make you look like the twelfth school annex This first man was just a gazelle gazelle gazelle ga ga- ga- ga zelle compared to the rest of them though the others were about as complimentary as a bunch of Gestapo Gestapo Gestapo tapo agents examining the drin The anarchist who looked at my throat told me that my to tonsils sils i were so enlarged that if I ever got gotan gotan an apple caught in my throat Id I'd look like a pawn shop and if Id I'd Idlet Idlet Idlet I let him take them out we could win the summer squash prize at atthe atthe atthe the Pamona fair Then the misanthrope misanthrope misanthrope who checked my heart told me that my pulse was so weak that for the first fifteen seconds he thought that it was the echo from the hall chronometer With this sort of encouragement Charles A Atlas Atlas At At- t- t las would probably be shopping for an Iron Lung and Im I'm not At At- las So I turned in the skeletons skeleton's helmit and next week Im I'm going out for debate |