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Show UNCONVENTIONALITIES. "Slopplnger, If you had Just a few gralua of sense you'd know what a gibbering Idiot you are." "I won't dispute your assertion, KIIJorduD, but when I make a statement state-ment like that I want somebody to , have nerve enough to tell me l ui a atupld, turtle-headed liar." "When I look at you, Murdlestone, I can't help wondering If you're worth the atmopphere you displace." "It's hardly nwomsary for mo to tell you, Illlni, that you are . the lant man on earth I'd want to share a i stateroom with, but all the others on j the boat are taken." "Yea, sir, I've rend the manuscript of your story, and It's absolutely the rottenest I ever waded through. Here It Is. You siay leave tho door j open as you go out." j Ttst of Grsvlty. "Professor L'lobbs la a serious minded mind-ed man." "Yes." "lluve you ever seen bliu at a base- II gamer "No. Why do you ask?" "I was Just wondering what his conduct would be If the game were tied and a plnytr on the home team whose batting average was a Joke should walk up to the plute and slum out a borne run." Feaxlng the Boss. "Wha,? You didn't let your or.ee boy off this afternoon simply because he told you his grandmother wan dead? Don't you know that th moment left here ho went straight to the ball game?" "Yes. but what could I do? Th little lit-tle rasfal, taking a lng chance, looked me straight In the eye and utked imi politely would I like to attend the funeral. fu-neral. You csn't call a man's size bluS like that, can yau?" Run for Wrong Party. Mistress Oh. by the way, Hmlthers, Pve arranged for the breakfast In the servants' hall to be a quarter of an hour earlier In future. Brnlt hers Then, my lady, I beg leave to give notice. M hi tress Indeed! Why? Btnlthers W'll, my lady, It srems - to mo that this wtabllshment Is belrn conducted for your convenience rather than for that of the servants. Punch. VBRSATILE MACHINE. i'it 7 r .. t ,7 :'ij '..',; "Put your automobile doesn't turn turtle every day and seek a mud puddle, pud-dle, does it 7" "Oh! no. (Sometimes It turns bird nd takes to the air and then again tt turns monkey and climbs a trse." Plenty of Time. Kow asure sklrs us br.d Ami imtiir Wf-tns (n mll. put 1 woiili) not bo Anxious, frtrnd. To picnic for a whit- Effective President, "nosh!" said Mr. Nervepop, sfter Mrs. Nervepop bad i pressed the wish that a woman might be president of the fritted States for Just one week. -What could she do?" "What could she do?" retorted the lady. "I tell you this, James, that If I could get luto the White House with couple of good Swedes to help me I'd do more In a minute than any prerl-dent prerl-dent we've had In 20 yeara with both bouses of congress and his cable el behind be-hind him!" Harper's Weekly. A Fussy Boss. "Wbera In the dickens Is that office boyr "Cone down to the corner to look t the baseball bulletins." "Go and tell hlra to come to me at wice." "Don't be too bard on the boy." "Ill fire blm on the spot If be can't tell me exactly how the game is going." go-ing." Stingy Thing. Will net I't him bold hT bsnd. Will not M Mm him h-r; Hl whrn turn r" nut of town will harOlr irtss lir. Of the Active Transitive Kind. That'a the first time I ever beard anybody apeak of EmhJglns as a working work-ing man." "Rut he Is. Just the same; and I could give yau a long list of bis trust-Sg trust-Sg fellow cltLens whom be bas worked." Main Crcp. "There are so many things I was disappointed to Cod I couldn't raise a my farm." "I wouhJ be satisfied if I could only swlat It mortgaga on mine." Lock of Room. I 1n nut In a hammock swing. Hut don't ilM'rv ai'plniini. tor thst; Thrre's Just no plsc to put the (lilnf, llecsus.) I'm IIvIiik In a ttst. Just In Time. "Pa, here's something In this uewa- pnper about th) 'chorus girl lure,' What does that nuau, pa?" "Ahem!" coughed pa, with a know-' know-' ing smile that suddenly froze ou bis fuce. "It means nothing that concerns you, son. iHm't you see your mother standing In the door? Go to her at once." - Might Not Be So Bad. Prlg!?K I see the rapltcl at Albany j was io badly built that It Is likely to full at any time. Isn't thiil unfortunate? unfortu-nate? GrlgKNot necessarily. It might fall, you know, when the legislature was in cesHion. Life. PHRASE ORIGIN. Wilile Prehistoric Oh! mamma, what l papa doing with that telegram? tele-gram? Mrs. Prehistoric My son, ha'a merely breuking tho new a. It's the Weather. This morn's he's s m if 'bout CO linn s. Ami rre IIih tiny I" n'rr, Ii ,.-iiis in h .iiltr. likely that He'll yawn "bout fri more. She Had the Preference. Father (angrily entering parlor at 12:50) Look here, young man? Do you sUiy as late as this when you call ou other girls? Jack Huggard (trtmbling with fear) N-n-n-no, sir! Kb t her (appeased, as ho leaves the room) That's all right, then! (Aside.) Thank heaven! Mary has caught on at last! Puck. Up to Date. "What did she say when you told her that you were not worthy of herf "She said she wits glud I admitted It; but that her father had been bar ing me trailed by a detective and was quite prepared to prove it If I bad not admit 1(4 It." Coming and Going. "Mrs. Prown and Mrs. Green seero to have little to do but talk across tha fence." "Yes, they have plenty to talk about Mr. Hrown bns just come out of tha hospital and Mrs. Green thinks of going." go-ing." In the Future. "Have the Smiths any aeroplanes?" "No, they are so poor that tbey can-not can-not a fiord anything but an automobile." automo-bile." Getting a Cook. Her Husband I supxse you looked up the new cook's references? His Wife No, dear; I was afraid they might not turn out satisfactory. WOULD THINK 80. t'bolly I Just saved a guts life and she promised to marry me. Molly Didn't she prefer to drowal ' Literature. 1 .avrn't Krmr t r .nMM er rhyme Or tnalt'a et t'i I only bwl tlm slulT I rad t j.n (h baseball paae. No Quick Work for Him. Weary Willie This paper says tbat curved Jaws that msy be strapped to the hand have been patented by a Michigan Inventor to enable a man to husk corn quickly. Toddllii Tommle Who do yon suppose would want to busk corn quickly? Note of Alarm. landlady Mr. Fnlpe, le tt true the papers say th-re is going to be a reduction re-duction made In the tariff on prunes? Hoarder (hastily) -I hope not! |
