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Show .MONKEY DASHES. By the Writer. An Ely man chewed oft the ear ot another man and this in the time of ' prosperity and meat at only fifteen cent a pound. While Roosevelt was sending that fleet to Pacific waters he should -have detailed a battleship to guard the "port of Salt Lake." The Missouri river is reported as "stationary" at Kansas City. This famous old stream lias probably reached the density of the Chicago' at last. The heat wave moving westward Is identified as the one that started at Hearst headquarters Immediately following fol-lowing Justice Ingraham's decision in the New York mayorality recount case. Massachusett automobiles killed nine people in twenty-six days, and tho cliafleurs are bowed In shame that the figures were not reversed, 20 killed in nine days. They auto steam up and cheer up. The Salt Lake Stag who Jumped in front of a moving street car and proclaimed pro-claimed the arrival of the mlllenlum, has been a Stag too long. He ought to get married and thus insure himself against these mlllenlal dreams. A well-known educator of Fort Smith, Ark., married fifteen years, kitted his wife and then cut her throat. Doubtleis the latter act was unnecessary unneces-sary as she probably would have died of surprise over the first performance. "As crazy as a March hare" will not till tho description in the case of the Salt Laker who proclaimed the arrival of the "mlllonlum" there. That fellow fel-low Is as crazy as a Mormon bedbug whose feot are being tickled by Frank Cannon or a member of the Ministerial Association. A pair of English sparrows Is credited cred-ited with a possible 275,000,000 descendants. descen-dants. A pair that has certainly broken this record has been living all spring in the vines at the editor's bedroom bed-room window, and each morning at 5:15 of the clock it sounds like tho wholo Damm family comes to see "pa" and "ma." Inasmuch as Congressman Howell's familiarity with the European languages lan-guages begins and ends with the German Ger-man numerals, "eln," "zwel," "drel," "tier," etc., the assertion of the Herald's Her-ald's Logan correspondent th'at Joseph "went to study continental political methods" may be taken with a grain of salt. Last Sunday an Ogden minister preached on the subject, "To Hell and Rack," and the return trip Is chronicled chron-icled as ot particular Interest. Inquiry In-quiry over our wireless grapevine brings the admission that the Ogden preacher spent Saturday in Salt Lake City, but whether the trip inspired the Sunday evening sermon deponent salth not. Preston proposes to play thp Well-villains Well-villains a game of ball, fight em with stuffed clubs, razors or mowing sclthes or engago 'em in a four-round bout with gatllng guns, the only provision pro-vision being that Stoncy shall umpire the game. The difficulty now Is that Stoney wants 850,000 to do his part-Just part-Just sufficient to pay funeral expenses and leave his wife In comfortable circumstances. cir-cumstances. Butte's postmaster Is short $10,000 and has disappeared. In his disappearance disap-pearance he has the advantage of the writer, but In our shortage we have tho Rutte man skinned exactly seventeen seven-teen times, tho number ot years wo have been In the newspaper business. However, the Interest on this shortage short-age of $170,000 gives us a very good living liow, and there's no kick fiom tho editorial sinctum sanotorumioot-em sanotorumioot-em except on tho necessity of burning wood that costs $4 a pound 25 cents extra for sap and worm holes The holes weigh heavy and burn fast. Hut there's hope even hero, for Mr. John Wiseacre Harry, the famous Swiss inventor in-ventor now manipulating the Job plant at this oillce, has recently perfected per-fected an appliance for drawing all these hols and stringing them on wire. The Invention works very successfully, suc-cessfully, and a large building In which to store the holes is now in course ot construction. Eventually wo hopo to furnish various patent fetus factories with all tho cracks they need. A patent stretcher and clipper Is expected ex-pected to supply the demand ot various var-ious spaghetti factories now said to bo short bf the holes around which thev wrap their macaroni. Each stick of wood Ilka we havo In our back lot at $t a pound will furnish 1,000,000 holes as clastlo as Utah-Mex. rubber, so that when ono considers the number num-ber necessaiy for posts, sewer-pipe, garden hose, stove pipe, oil wells, shot guns, drain tile ana chimneys, It will bo seen that the possibilities of Mr. Harry's Invention and our woodpile (at $4 a pound) are very encouraging. encour-aging. As a 'hole wo feel very well satisfied. P. S. Tim liutto post-master post-master has been located at Mobile, Alabama, where he had established a postoffice in opposition to Uncle Sam. J |